The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Take GENUFLECTROL!

Have you ever sat down to your keyboard, stared at your blog and had nothing come to mind? I’ll let you in on an embarrassing secret…so have I. If like me, this has happened to you, then you may suffer from a condition endured by many around WordPress; a condition known as “Lame-ass Blogger Syndrome.”

Little is known of what causes Lame-ass Blogger Syndrome, an affliction that affects as many as 1 in 3 bloggers world wide. Despite the demoralizing statistics there is hope; hope in the form of one blogger impervious to the perils of Lame-ass Blogger Syndrome.

A blogger named Edward Hotspur.

Researchers from around the globe have spent months studying Edward Hotspur’s blog in order to isolate what makes him so damned awesome. Once this information was gathered scientists partnered with pharmaceutical giants such as Merck, Pfizer and Pez to bring you a cure in the form of a little orange pill called GENUFLECTROL.

Now you may be thinking: “What can I do to rid myself of Lame-ass Blogger Syndrome and become more like Edward Hotspur?”

The answer is “TAKE GENUFLECTROL!”

GENUFLECTROL is a prescription medication that has been proven to work for most lame-ass bloggers and here’s the proof:

Clinical studies have shown that 4 out of 5 bloggers with chronic Lame-ass Blogger Syndrome improved their sparkline erections with GENUFLECTROL—compared to only 1 out of 4 who took sugar pills.

Chances are GENUFLECTROL will also work for you. But getting sparkline erections is only part of the story. In a global survey, sufferers of Lame-ass Blogger Syndrome identified three key elements of a more satisfying blogging experience:

1.       Getting hard sparkline erections

2.       Maintaining sparkline erections

3.       Becoming more like Edward Hotspur

GENUFLECTROL can help with all three. Check out H.E. Ellis’s story to hear how GENUFLECTROL helped her achieve and maintain hard sparkline erections.

“I used to be a typical lame-ass blogger….no creativity or motivation; living the shame of consistently being one-upped in the comments by the great Edward Hotspur. It was then that he introduced me to the wonders of GENUFLECTROL. Now I’m blogging like crazy and am full of win!”

GENUFLECTROL ISN’T FOR EVERYBODY. IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION BELOW.

  • Do not take GENUFLECTROL if you take Viagra as this may cause a catastrophic brain boner.
  • Discuss your general health status with your doctor to ensure that you are healthy enough to engage in blogging activities. If you experience ass cramps, knuckle lock or severe kung-fu grip while blogging seek immediate medical help.
  • In the rare event of a sparkline erection lasting more than 4 hours, seek immediate attention because you may have just become Edward Hotspur.
  • The most common side effects of GENUFLECTROL are audiophilia, asianopathy and severe smart assedness.

While no drug can cure Lame-ass Blogger Syndrome, GENUFLECTROL is your best bet to a fulfilling blogging experience enjoyed by many, but none more than Edward Hotspur.

Take GENUFLECTROL today!

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61 responses

  1. this is Hilarious and yes I suffer from “Lame-arse Blogger Syndrome”

    December 21, 2011 at 5:17 am

    • ….arse?…..BRILLIANT!

      December 21, 2011 at 5:19 am

      • I really don’t even want to think about the way you think I say that! ahaha That did not make much sense.

        December 21, 2011 at 5:26 am

  2. Anonymous

    any side effects we should be worried about?

    December 21, 2011 at 5:53 am

    • You may, on occasion, be overcome with a burning desire to be a smart ass. While you pee.

      December 21, 2011 at 10:06 am

  3. Imogen Shepard

    You are MAD! lol! I am still flipping laughing as I am writing this! My God the stuff you come up with. So cancel the ‘Like’ and turn it into a ‘LOVE as I have had a shitty night but you have made me crack up laughing through the whole post this morning’ button! Words fail me H.E 🙂 ! Luv you for this and anyways 😉 This is just too funny!

    December 21, 2011 at 5:55 am

    • That’s because I took my GENUFLECTROL!!!!!

      December 21, 2011 at 11:56 am

  4. Brilliant post! Where do I get this… how you say.. GENUFLECTROL? And does it come in liquid form?

    December 21, 2011 at 5:55 am

    • Sadly it is not yet available, but I understand the liquid version should be on shelves this coming spring; followed closely by the suppository form for stubborn lameness.

      December 21, 2011 at 10:08 am

  5. I loved this post. If more people were like me, then there would be mostly guys on the planet wait a minute that’s not good what happened to my punctuation? I didn’t know what ‘sparkline’ meant, so I had to Google it. Just so none of the rest of you have to look it up, it means “The penis of a dragonfly.” Since I’m hung like a dragonfly, that makes perfect sense. Here’s to dragonfly penises!

    Honestly, admit it – you have never in your life seen the phrase ‘dragonfly penises’ anywhere. And now you’re going to use it so much, it becomes an internet meme! Just like my penis. I apologize if my mother is reading this.

    December 21, 2011 at 6:32 am

    • Your mother just called and she told me to tell you to stop touching yourself.

      December 21, 2011 at 10:10 am

  6. I have to get me some Genuflectrol!!

    December 21, 2011 at 7:40 am

    • Luckily for you it’s cheaper in Canada.

      December 21, 2011 at 10:11 am

  7. I so need this… I will have the MEGA super duper extra strength dose please.

    December 21, 2011 at 7:46 am

    • In pill or suppository form?

      December 21, 2011 at 10:12 am

  8. So my affliction has a name and apparently I’ve been taking the wrong drugs to alleviate the syndrome…..

    December 21, 2011 at 7:57 am

    • Me too. I just recently came off of HELLICILLIN. Didn’t do a damn thing for me except turn me into a dude.

      December 21, 2011 at 10:13 am

  9. I’ll have you know that after taking Genuflectrol, I suffered from side effects not listed in the warnings:
    – Loss of use of both pinkey toes
    – Severe drooling (ok, I had that before, but hey, if I can cash in on it…)
    – Anal Seepage (why are the side effects of the cure often worse than the illness?!?)

    I have settled my lawsuit with Pez (they are making a dispenser based on me!), and am currently initiating a lawsuit against reckless endorser, Edward Hotspur, for control of the route of his morning drive.

    December 21, 2011 at 8:42 am

    • Oh God…you at the wheel of Scenes from a Morning Drive? Great. Now I’ve got to read a blog with subtitles…

      December 21, 2011 at 10:14 am

  10. But wait…I’m already on a prescription for FUCKITOL. Are there any adverse side effects which might result from mixing the two meds?

    December 21, 2011 at 8:55 am

    • You should not take doses of FUCKITOL and GENUFLECTROL within a four hour span of each other. To do so will lead to a condition called INCIPIENT DOUCHEBAGGERY.

      December 21, 2011 at 10:30 am

  11. I would take this simply for the purpose of getting and maintaining a sparkline erection….

    December 21, 2011 at 9:22 am

    • Honey, you’re responsible for more “Spark” erections than any dose of GENUFLECTROL. I think we need to bottle YOU. 😉

      December 21, 2011 at 10:17 am

      • When will that come to the market, and will it be over the counter?

        December 21, 2011 at 10:34 am

        • It’s available now in both pill and suppository form.

          December 21, 2011 at 10:37 am

          • Sign me up.

            December 21, 2011 at 10:41 am

  12. Brilliant just brilliant, you just keep raising the bar. Then jumping over it. Keep it coming.

    December 21, 2011 at 10:24 am

    • That’s what she said.

      December 21, 2011 at 10:25 am

  13. LOL!!
    And now we know H.E’s secret to unending awesome posts 🙂

    December 21, 2011 at 10:24 am

    • GENUFLECTROL a day keeps…the…..doc…
      Crap. I forgot to take my meds.

      December 21, 2011 at 10:27 am

  14. Do you know whether any animals were harmed in the testing of Genuflectrol?

    December 21, 2011 at 10:33 am

    • I’ll warn you there were rumors of testing done on Roosters….(I’ll let you think on that).

      December 21, 2011 at 11:48 am

      • “That’s disconcert…disconc…I say that’s discon….that’s rough.”

        December 21, 2011 at 11:52 am

  15. “Brain boner.” That made my day. I have a new favorite compound word. 🙂

    December 21, 2011 at 5:22 pm

  16. My new favorite word is “compound.” I’m a pissa.

    December 21, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    • My new Favorite word is chowda’ 😉

      December 22, 2011 at 4:54 am

  17. I’m really hoping to get something for my “Not Funny Enough” Disorder.

    December 21, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    • I know what you mean. A comedian friend of mine got funny boned and needed a colostomy gag.

      Ba Dum Bum.

      December 22, 2011 at 12:25 pm

  18. I took some Genuflectrol, and I saw this tunnel. When I went into it, I saw lots of different people, all with my face, and they were all saying “Hotspur, Hotspur. Hotspur? Hotspurhotspur.” So weird.

    December 21, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    • Awww….EH? Did you go to the carnival and get lost in the room with all the funhouse mirrors again?

      December 22, 2011 at 12:26 pm

      • I guess you never saw Being John Malkovich.

        December 22, 2011 at 7:03 pm

        • Nope. It’s going on my list of blog posts called “Confessions of a ___________ Virgin.” That’s where I do reviews of movies that the entire world has seen, but for whatever reason I haven’t.

          December 22, 2011 at 7:06 pm

  19. Anonymous

    I tried Genuflectrol, and ended up with the worst case of diarrhea ever! Damn

    December 22, 2011 at 8:52 am

    • You had Hotspur coming out the ass, I see.

      December 22, 2011 at 12:29 pm

      • Don’t google Santorum. Don’t google Santorum.

        December 22, 2011 at 7:06 pm

  20. I don’t take drugs. I’ve learned through meditation how to come to terms with being a boring asshole.
    PS-Edward is a genius, boner or no.

    December 22, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    • A genius he is.

      December 22, 2011 at 4:48 pm

  21. Did you lose a bet with Hotspur?

    December 22, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    • Hostpur is awesomesauce for promoting the hell out of my book and for being an all around good guy.

      December 22, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    • Wow. You’re saying the only way Hellis could be nice to someone is because she lost a bet? That’s just mean. I’m telling.

      December 22, 2011 at 7:05 pm

      • Absolutely not. Just doing an endorsement background check. I do that on every product (and political candidate). It’s a phobia.

        December 24, 2011 at 8:45 pm

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  23. Reblogged this on H.E. ELLIS and commented:

    TODAY IS A SPECIAL DAY DEVOTED ENTIRELY TO EDWARD HOTSPUR. TAKE A TRIP OVER TO HIS BLOG AND YOU’LL SEE WHY. UNTIL THEN, PLEASE TO ENJOY THE FOLLOWING POST!

    June 2, 2012 at 9:33 am

  24. I love it. I’m going to start making a list of all the crappy blogs I can send this to.

    June 2, 2012 at 10:22 am

    • Good idea, as “crappiness” is one of the many afflictions GENUFLECTROL is aimed to relieve!

      June 2, 2012 at 10:24 am

      • lol, hey, thanks for helping.

        June 2, 2012 at 10:25 am

  25. At last a cure for LaBS. This gives me hope that I may yet overcome FLaBS (Fatal Lame-ass Bloggers Syndrome. Perhaps they’ll develop a Genuflectrol vaccine for wankers like me. Until then I will continue to aspire toward being more like EdHo.

    June 2, 2012 at 10:48 am