The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Secret SPaM – Part One

For this week’s SPaM I had the privilege of sitting down to an interview with a man who’s known world wide; a man whose public persona is larger than life, but whose private world is shrouded in a centuries old mystery. In this three part series we will discuss his career, his home life, his influence and ultimately his legacy. This is by far the most in-depth probe I’ve ever done for a SPaM post that I believe you’ll find both eye-opening as well as entertaining. Today I sit down with none other than…


Part one of our interview takes place in Santa’s private quarters at his North Pole command center. Haggard and spent from last night’s epic trip around the world, he nurses what the elves tell me is his “tonic,” prompting me to open questions quickly and dive right into the meat of his story:

61 responses

  1. Yeah, that’s the guy that sent me that shitty response…

    December 26, 2011 at 1:31 am

    • Sorry Sparkles. I say we vote him out and elect a Mrs. Claus. Her platform can be, “Shoes in every closet and sparkles for everyone!”

      December 26, 2011 at 8:29 am

      • I can’t possibly please EVERYONE…

        December 26, 2011 at 8:44 am

        • You’re right. We’ll stick to you just pleasing me. 😉

          December 26, 2011 at 8:45 am

  2. Poor Santa… sounds like modern technology has turned him into a drunken grump! Looking forward to what Mrs. Claus has to say. 😀

    December 26, 2011 at 5:02 am

    • hehehehe…..

      December 26, 2011 at 8:29 am

  3. You caught brain in a red suit and high heels and cornered him into an interview didn’t you ?

    December 26, 2011 at 5:30 am

    • Certainly looks that way. 😉

      December 26, 2011 at 8:29 am

  4. Oh. My. God. THIS IS AWESOME!!! Love this interview…can’t wait to hear Mrs. Claus’ response…You know, you think you know the big guy in red, but really you don’t. Eye opening. Really.

    December 26, 2011 at 6:50 am

    • And it’s a three parter!! Santa’s got LOTS to say.

      December 26, 2011 at 8:30 am

  5. I don’t know whether to be pissed that you’re dissing my idol here, or just laugh my ass off because this is brilliantly funny! Good job! 😆

    December 26, 2011 at 7:13 am

    • Yeah, I was sweating sacrilege here. Thanks for being a good sport. 🙂

      December 26, 2011 at 8:31 am

      • Of course! I was just kidding about the “dissing my idol” thing anyway. I do love Santa (the idea of Santa anyway) but I also have a twisted sense of humor and anyone who can make me laugh that hard get’s a “thumbs-up”. Besides, I don’t go for posting negative shit on blogs; if you don’t like it just move on. 😉

        December 26, 2011 at 4:46 pm

        • Which is why you are always welcome here!

          December 26, 2011 at 4:50 pm

  6. Most original Christmas post on WordPress! Well done!

    December 26, 2011 at 7:51 am

    • Thanks! Tell me, you must have encountered a man like this once or twice is your profession. My condolences.

      December 26, 2011 at 8:32 am

  7. Santa needs to get laid….

    December 26, 2011 at 8:34 am

    • You have no idea.

      December 26, 2011 at 8:35 am

      • This is where I would chime in and say, HO HO HO. but I won’t.

        December 27, 2011 at 9:16 am

  8. This is a hard-hitting interview, and I’m glad you quickly dove right into the meat of this big red man’s story

    December 26, 2011 at 9:07 am

    • God I wish I’d thought of that.

      December 26, 2011 at 9:08 am

      • I think you did. That’s why there’s this penetrating interview that gets deep inside this rotund giftslinger.

        December 26, 2011 at 9:28 am

        • Rotund giftslinger? That’s it. I’m totally plagiarizing this comment for Part-three!

          December 26, 2011 at 9:30 am

  9. Who knew Santa has such a potty mouth.

    December 26, 2011 at 9:57 am

    • Oh…it gets better, trust me.

      December 26, 2011 at 10:38 am

  10. Nice job. After seeing this side of Santa I understand more, even a guy that works one night out of the year, his job is quickly becoming obsolete. Nobody wants to play with wood, it’s all about plastic and batteries now. An under-appreciated man who only comes once a year and most don’t even believe he’s real, yeah you would be drunk too. All respect to you Santa.

    December 26, 2011 at 10:11 am

    • Why does it not surprise me that you would think he’s awesome?

      December 26, 2011 at 12:58 pm

      • H R Nightmare

        So what if I think Santa is awesome? I am in awe of the man. He only works 1 night a year, lives off of milk and cookies and can see everyone being naughty (hello Sparkles) at any time. What’s not to love?

        December 26, 2011 at 7:19 pm

  11. zencherry

    Mwahahaa! Santa and the cookies, the ‘white’ Christmas…it all suddenly makes sense.

    December 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

    • Yes. Yes it does.

      December 26, 2011 at 12:58 pm

  12. Barbara Walters is going to be so jealous you bagged the Santa interview…

    December 26, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    • I’ll admit she was up for it first, but I heard at the last minute she got placed on the “Naughty” list. Makes you wonder….

      December 26, 2011 at 1:51 pm

  13. Wholly cookies and milk! Who knew?

    December 26, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    • I never saw it coming. 🙂

      December 26, 2011 at 5:12 pm

  14. I think the blow he’s snorting is cut with something worse than baby laxatives. Is he giving out orgasms again this year?

    December 26, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    • I didn’t get any so I guess I’m on the “Naughty” list. Or maybe it’s the “Nice” one…..

      December 26, 2011 at 5:19 pm

  15. I think Santa has a little attitude problem.

    December 26, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    • I’m thinking being surrounded by non-stop holiday music doesn’t help.

      December 27, 2011 at 1:00 pm

  16. Somewhere, a child has booted up his new laptop he received for Christmas. Filled with joy and thanks, he went straight to google to find where to email his thanks to the Wondrous Elven Red One. Excitedly clicked one of the links he found that led to a wordpress site. (because it had such exciting tags as Christmas, Holidays, Interview, Sex and Porn.

    And is now bawling his eyes out.
    Thanks H. E.

    (No.I am not that child. But I used to tease the little wimp at lunch every day.)

    December 27, 2011 at 10:44 am

    • OMG….That’s going to be the official title of my next book:


      On sale wherever tinsel and dildos are sold.

      December 27, 2011 at 12:56 pm

      • 9 stores just popped into mind.

        December 27, 2011 at 1:39 pm

        • Toys for Twats? FAO Schlong? Fredericks of The North Pole?
          Crap. That’s all I’ve got. Damnit where the hell is Hotspur?

          December 27, 2011 at 1:42 pm

          • Think he’s on line 7 of his last post.
            Ah. Line 8.

            Let’s see…The Salivation Army, Toys R Butts, Five Guys Burgers and Fish?
            Wow, I’m going to stop – this won’t get any better…

            December 27, 2011 at 1:45 pm

            • Ok, that’s it. You’re totally getting SPaMmed. Don’t make plans for March 5th.

              December 27, 2011 at 1:48 pm

              • Well, OK, but I’ll be heavily sedated then as early March is my annual trip to Indonesia to get my feet scraped.
                They use sea urchins and water lilies!

                December 27, 2011 at 1:59 pm

                • I just threw up in my mouth. Although water lilies sound better than a “milk” bath. Gag.

                  December 27, 2011 at 2:12 pm

                  • If you were in Spinal Tap, it would have been someone else’ mouth.

                    December 27, 2011 at 2:18 pm

          • Victoria’s Secret Santa, Toys N Us, McWhoremick and Schick, Forever XXI Inches, Jesus n Things, Great Clits, SuperCunts, Labia Shack?

            Sorry, that’s all I could come up with in 5 minutes. Dare Me Queen? InBack Steakhouse?

            Hancock Fabric?

            December 27, 2011 at 8:24 pm

            • FINALLY! You never disappoint, EH.

              December 27, 2011 at 11:19 pm

              • That’s what she said. Until she looked in my wallet.

                December 27, 2011 at 11:29 pm

                • Dude, I’m begging you, get help!

                  December 28, 2011 at 8:26 am

                  • I’ve got a team of writers that come up with a lot of this stuff already. Is that what you meant?

                    December 28, 2011 at 10:33 am

                    • *banging head against desk. Repeatedly.*

                      December 28, 2011 at 10:42 am

  17. Santa revealed! (reality show in works?)

    December 27, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    • Sigh…if only. 🙂

      December 27, 2011 at 7:15 pm

  18. I found you via Life in the Farce Lane, and, contrary to everything I consider holy, I clicked on your link. I spend too much time doing this blog stuff. I don’t like it one bit. In fact, the last thing I need is another blogger to follow. But what can I say? When Santa starts throwing words around like “fucking,” I gotta get in line.

    January 2, 2012 at 10:10 am

    • Welcome aboard the crazy train! It only gets worse, I promise you. 🙂

      January 2, 2012 at 10:15 am

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