The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Love Letter Gone Wrong – Five

It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG written and submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to

This week’s love letter was written by one of the featured bloggers who attended THE MEETING OF THE BLOGGER’S ALLIANCE  over at Kayjai’s Blog. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.


Dear H.E.,

I am your biggest fan. What I mean when I say biggest is that there is no one that adores you more than I do. I print out every blog post that you put up, and I have them put together in a folder with a drawing I’ve done of what I imagine you to look like. I’ve read Gods of Asphalt 17 times, and I can tell by your writing style and the things that you say on your blog that we are meant to be together.

I’m sure that sounds crazy to you, but if you would be willing to let me take you out on a date, I’m sure that you will feel it too. I thought you were a man at first, and that had me questioning my sexuality, because I never thought I was gay before, but your words just SPOKE to me, and I couldn’t stop thinking about you. When I found out you were actually a woman, I felt relieved, because now I know that we can be together the way we were meant to be, and I don’t have to worry about taking it up the butt.

I have to tell you something that really bothers me though. It really upsets me when you are flirty with that Glitterbutt girl on your blog. Wait… that’s not right. I meant that Sparklebumps whore. I know that she’s trying to steal you away from me, and what you can’t see is that she’s a manipulative little bitch. When I see how you respond to her in your comments, it makes me soooo upset; I’ve started having panic attacks when I see her comments on your blog. The only way I can feel better is by masturbating with shampoo while imagining you are here with me, caressing me and whispering that everything will be alright. I had to start using salon-grade shampoo though, because Herbal Essences was giving me a weird rash. What I’m saying, H.E., is that I am begging you to stop this relationship you have with that slut, because if you don’t, I’m going to have to take more desperate measures. I don’t like that Savor person either.

I imagine every day what our life will be like together; you will write your books, and I will spend all my time worshiping you the way you deserve. I can help you give your kids cereal in the morning, and I will even be the one to call and order pizzas for them and their friends. When Prince Charming gets married to one of the many girls that adore him, I will hold your head and lick your tears away for you.

I can’t wait until you realize the closeness that we share. I’ve never had anyone make me feel the way that you do. My Aunt says it’s because I live in her basement, and I need to get out and find a nice girl, but I know that you are the only one for me, and so I’m saving myself for you. I know that you will appreciate my dedication, and it will be worth the wait when our love can finally be consummated. Until then, if you would do me a favor and send me a high-definition picture of your boobs for me to hang on the ceiling above my bed, then I can fantasize about what it would be like to have you here with me.

This is the 7th letter that I’ve sent you, and I need to let you know that if you don’t respond promptly to this, my last letter, I will have to ride my scooter to New Hampshire and find you, to show you how much I care. I thought that my letters spoke for themselves, but maybe I am not a great writer like you are, and I will just have to prove myself to you in person. Please, give me a chance, because without you I’m lost.

With all the love in my heart, and all the lust in my drawers,


P.S. I’m serious about the Sparklebumps issue. If you can’t be completely committed to me because of her, I will rid you of her manipulations.


59 responses

  1. I am stuck between two people I wanna say, I will think it over …

    December 30, 2011 at 4:37 am

    • I’ll be here… 🙂

      December 30, 2011 at 7:14 am

      • I am gunna go with Sparkle, although she wasnt my first choice 🙂

        December 30, 2011 at 7:25 am

        • OMG…The Mayans are right! The world really IS ending! Someone said Sparklebumps WASN’T their first choice! OH THE HUMANITY!!!

          December 30, 2011 at 7:30 am

          • Yeah! That’s what I was thinking! What the hell? 😉

            December 30, 2011 at 9:45 am

            • There is a first time for everything Girls 😉

              January 1, 2012 at 9:53 am

  2. I will keep guessing kayjai until I get it right.

    December 30, 2011 at 6:27 am

    • Now that’s diligence!

      December 30, 2011 at 7:14 am

  3. foul mouth, intimidating, yet feels threatened. Its Kathy Griffin. I’ll take my book now please.

    December 30, 2011 at 8:20 am

    • Don’t you already have a copy? Oh that’s right. You stole JEB’S copy. Dick.

      December 30, 2011 at 8:22 am

      • Articles like this really grease the shafts of kndeowlge.

        April 21, 2014 at 5:03 pm

        • HE, are you greasing the knowledge shaft again?

          April 21, 2014 at 5:05 pm

          • I about pissed myself laughing at your comment, mostly because I missed the Spam one before it. 🙂

            April 23, 2014 at 9:28 pm

            • Ha! That would have been a little odd out of the blue like that.

              *writes it down to reuse*

              April 23, 2014 at 9:30 pm

              • That would be totally random, like this:

                April 23, 2014 at 9:42 pm

    • You know Kathy Griffin, H.E? That’s kinda awesome…

      December 30, 2011 at 9:46 am

  4. Yep I did but the little bastad took it back,and now the pag… nevermind wrong book. And who’s dick? This is HR. No coffee yet?

    December 30, 2011 at 8:29 am

    • Dude, gross.

      December 30, 2011 at 8:32 am

      • Haha. That’s what she said. 🙂

        December 30, 2011 at 9:47 am

  5. Perhaps the identity of this admirer is best kept secret? I mean I they seem to value their anonymity. You know, from law enforcement…

    December 30, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    • That may be a good idea….

      December 30, 2011 at 6:55 pm

  6. Gotta be Sparkles.

    December 30, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    • That’s two for Sparkles!

      December 30, 2011 at 6:58 pm

  7. Super sweet letter. Anytime someone is masturbating to you with expensive shampoo you know they are on solid psychological ground.

    December 30, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    • So that’s the secret. Expensive shampoo. If I knew that, I wouldn’t have spent six years in an Australian prison.

      December 30, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    • That’s right. It’s only top shelf shampoo for the likes of H.E.

      December 30, 2011 at 6:57 pm

  8. Hmmm…tough one…I too have to be with Megan on this one and vote for Sparklebumps…

    December 30, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    • And Kayjai makes three for Sparklebumps!

      December 30, 2011 at 6:59 pm

  9. I’d hang your boobs above me on my bed too… 😉 (drum roll snare..)

    NO IDEA who this is. Not good at this stuff.

    December 30, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    • Your ceiling isn’t big enough…(drum roll snare..)

      December 30, 2011 at 7:00 pm

      • My kind of girl… I love me a girl with A huge amount of personality on the one hand, and on the other a massive amount of intelligence.

        That’s the kind of combo I can really sink my teeth into… 🙂

        December 30, 2011 at 7:12 pm

        • That’s right. We girls with big brains get all the boys…

          December 30, 2011 at 7:14 pm

  10. Sparkle. Also, Herbal Essences, H. E., so obvious what you must use to masturbate in the shower while imagining the two white lines are two legs that stretch out to that golden sunlight in the distance, that shining light that gives me life…..

    Um…. I love lamp….

    December 30, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    • Yup. You caught me. I have narcissistic personality disorder, so I masturbate to all things H.E. related. Herbal Essences shampoo, Hairy Elbows, Huge Erections…

      Um…I think I ate your chocolate squirrel…

      December 30, 2011 at 7:49 pm

  11. Not to intrude but I’m pretty sure that was a hot Carl not a chocolate squirrel.

    December 30, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    • I suppose Hot Excrement would be– nope. Sorry. Just too gross to go there.

      December 30, 2011 at 9:11 pm

      • GAH!!!
        Going to have to start flagging my emails for content!!!

        December 30, 2011 at 9:24 pm

        • Yeah…I forgot to tell you that after 9pm my blog turns into a frathouse.

          December 30, 2011 at 9:27 pm

  12. Mine turns into a pumpkin. And tonight around 2am, my extremely hideous and inconsiderate Shithead-In-Law is coming with her boyfriend and staying at our house, somehow. I don’t know how I end up in these situations. And I can’t even drink, because my daughter gets off work at 11 and I won’t drink and drive at all, pretty much. I have no way out of this.

    Anyway, fuck that fucking fuck, and also Hairy Elephants and Horny Emus and ….

    Wait a minute – did Guapo just admit he’s going to start “flagging his e-mails”? For “content”? You crazy kids with all your slang today. ‘Flagging your emails for content.’ What a jizzaster.

    December 30, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    • I know what you mean. I prefer the good old days when Dodging the Llama was all the rage.

      December 30, 2011 at 10:48 pm

      • Como se Llama? (That’s Spanish for “How’s your llama?”)

        December 30, 2011 at 10:55 pm

        • I don’t remember the Italian word for “dodge” so all I’ve got is “Spostare la Llama!” Which means “Move your Llama!” Close enough I guess.

          December 30, 2011 at 11:02 pm

          • Mi llama es verde.
            Su llama es un Chevy.

            Hotspur, I was innocently enjoying the banter and witty repartee, when suddenly a Hot Carl dropped in my inbox.
            I was trying to eat some bread, saw it and pinched the loaf. Steamed, I was.

            December 30, 2011 at 11:07 pm

      • December 31, 2011 at 5:17 pm

        • December 31, 2011 at 5:58 pm

          • I just want you to know… I actually listened to that whole song… Ok I lied. no I didn’t.

            December 31, 2011 at 6:13 pm

  13. Actually, it was Lama, because it was dodging the Dalai Lama. Secondly, I don’t really think Como se llama means How’s your llama? It means What is your llama’s name?

    And turd, I think you’re just klinging on to the yule log because you’re afraid a part of you is going down the drain.

    December 30, 2011 at 11:38 pm

    • Thaaat’s right…lama. I couldn’t for the life of me remember how that all got started. Now I feel ashamed of myself. And by the way, Il nome de mio Llama es Carl.

      December 30, 2011 at 11:49 pm

  14. That’s all a bunch of crap up there . Frat house, close all the right letters just put together wrong.

    December 30, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    • Si! Es verdad. Tienes un Carlos Caliente!

      December 31, 2011 at 12:06 am

      • GAH!!!Really. Just…GAH!!!
        Necessito une tenedor para mi ojos!!!

        December 31, 2011 at 9:55 am

        • No puede un tenedor Caliente Carlos – que requiere una cuchara!

          December 31, 2011 at 1:23 pm

  15. December 31, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    • Ok… That was just wrong.

      December 31, 2011 at 6:15 pm

  16. Dammit! Can’t believe I missed this one!!! :S . Happy New Year HE! 😀

    January 1, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    • We missed you!

      January 1, 2012 at 8:43 pm

      • It’s been a big Indian-wedding party. But now I’m almost back to college :p .

        January 2, 2012 at 11:46 am

  17. t.on.air

    Hi there,
    this is hilarious. great idea H.E. Ellis! keep up the good work.

    February 12, 2012 at 7:13 am

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    September 21, 2014 at 10:44 am