The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

My Secret Admirer – Five

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Since the first two correct guesses already have copies of my ebook, I’ve decided to pass along a copy to the third correct guess. Find out who that is by clicking on the trophy to your right.

Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook taken a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to


Dear H.E.,

I am your biggest fan. What I mean when I say biggest is that there is no one that adores you more than I do. I print out every blog post that you put up, and I have them put together in a folder with a drawing I’ve done of what I imagine you to look like. I’ve read Gods of Asphalt 17 times, and I can tell by your writing style and the things that you say on your blog that we are meant to be together.

I’m sure that sounds crazy to you, but if you would be willing to let me take you out on a date, I’m sure that you will feel it too. I thought you were a man at first, and that had me questioning my sexuality, because I never thought I was gay before, but your words just SPOKE to me, and I couldn’t stop thinking about you. When I found out you were actually a woman, I felt relieved, because now I know that we can be together the way we were meant to be, and I don’t have to worry about taking it up the butt.

I have to tell you something that really bothers me though. It really upsets me when you are flirty with that Glitterbutt girl on your blog. Wait… that’s not right. I meant that Sparklebumps whore. I know that she’s trying to steal you away from me, and what you can’t see is that she’s a manipulative little bitch. When I see how you respond to her in your comments, it makes me soooo upset; I’ve started having panic attacks when I see her comments on your blog. The only way I can feel better is by masturbating with shampoo while imagining you are here with me, caressing me and whispering that everything will be alright. I had to start using salon-grade shampoo though, because Herbal Essences was giving me a weird rash. What I’m saying, H.E., is that I am begging you to stop this relationship you have with that slut, because if you don’t, I’m going to have to take more desperate measures. I don’t like that Savor person either.

I imagine every day what our life will be like together; you will write your books, and I will spend all my time worshiping you the way you deserve. I can help you give your kids cereal in the morning, and I will even be the one to call and order pizzas for them and their friends. When Prince Charming gets married to one of the many girls that adore him, I will hold your head and lick your tears away for you.

I can’t wait until you realize the closeness that we share. I’ve never had anyone make me feel the way that you do. My Aunt says it’s because I live in her basement, and I need to get out and find a nice girl, but I know that you are the only one for me, and so I’m saving myself for you. I know that you will appreciate my dedication, and it will be worth the wait when our love can finally be consummated. Until then, if you would do me a favor and send me a high-definition picture of your boobs for me to hang on the ceiling above my bed, then I can fantasize about what it would be like to have you here with me.

This is the 7th letter that I’ve sent you, and I need to let you know that if you don’t respond promptly to this, my last letter, I will have to ride my scooter to New Hampshire and find you, to show you how much I care. I thought that my letters spoke for themselves, but maybe I am not a great writer like you are, and I will just have to prove myself to you in person. Please, give me a chance, because without you I’m lost.

With all the love in my heart, and all the lust in my drawers,


P.S. I’m serious about the Sparklebumps issue. If you can’t be completely committed to me because of her, I will rid you of her manipulations.


Dear Kevin,

Thank you once again for volunteering to be the administrator for THE GODS OF ASPHALT fan site.  While I am glad that you are honored to accept the challenge, please understand that delivering a daily podcast dressed as Gus and lining the set with life sized cardboard versions of the characters as you see them wasn’t part of your assigned duties. Nor was the creation of a livejournal fan-fiction site which I would like you to disable at once. I have received many complaints about the RAPHAEL/RIVER/SAWYER fan page. At the very least you should have displayed a disclaimer before readers entered the site and encountered…well, you know.

Please also understand that my blog supports my book promotion and therefore the fan site you’ve agreed to run. Fellow blogger and GOA fan Sparklebumps is a longtime friend and supporter of our efforts. She is not a “Sex-crazed Usurper” as you have referred to her on several occasions. I have also been informed that you have submitted receipts for the purchase of a pallet-sized amount of Herbal Essences shampoo. Accounting has no intention of paying this or any other debt you have incurred based on your deviant sexual proclivities. This includes the recently purchased squeeze horn and silver handlebar tassels for one 1993 Yamaha scooter. Let me state finally that at no point will you and I “get it on like Donkey Kong” in this or in any lifetime. EVER.

All the best in your future basement driven endeavors,

H.E. Ellis





19 responses

  1. YaY!!!! Finally success…

    January 1, 2012 at 8:17 am

  2. Yay for Kayjai! Watch your inbox! 🙂

    January 1, 2012 at 8:33 am

  3. What the hell? It wasn’t Kathy Griffin?

    January 1, 2012 at 9:01 am

    • So close.

      January 1, 2012 at 10:55 am

  4. Well I never 😉

    January 1, 2012 at 9:52 am

    • haha 😉

      January 1, 2012 at 10:55 am

  5. Holy crap- that was funny and disturbing. Makes me not want to make writing good so I don’t get followers.

    January 1, 2012 at 9:58 am

    • Both a blessing and a curse.

      January 1, 2012 at 10:58 am

  6. We all guessed it. None of us have hangovers. We’re all awesome. We’re going to have a good year. No, we’re going to have a GREAT year. I’ll write something about just how this will go down.

    January 1, 2012 at 10:08 am

    • For some reason I have a hangover even though I didn’t drink. I think you subconsciously sent me yours. Thanks a lot, EH.

      Looking forward to that post.

      January 1, 2012 at 11:00 am

      • Hellis, you’re so cool that your hangover stars Zack Galafaniakis.

        January 1, 2012 at 1:16 pm

        • Just like the tattoo on my ass.

          January 1, 2012 at 3:01 pm

          • That’s not what the tattoo says. It’s more like… nevermind.

            January 1, 2012 at 3:58 pm

            • hehehe….

              January 1, 2012 at 4:31 pm

  7. *gets popcorn*

    January 1, 2012 at 6:35 pm

  8. Was going to add something, but I think the comment string above says it all. And more.
    Too too much more…
    And now, off to check out this Sparklebumps of which you speak…

    January 1, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    • She’s well worth the trip! You may want to start flagging your emails for content now. 🙂

      January 1, 2012 at 7:23 pm

  9. I’m so lame I can’t figure out where to leave a comment on these things. Someone deserves credit for good writing and whatnot. Please deliver to the appropriate person. I would kill for one love letter where someone was “taking and extra long shower” and using extra shampoo in my honor.

    January 1, 2012 at 8:56 pm

    • I’ve got the best blog friends, don’t I?

      January 2, 2012 at 7:55 am