The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Love Letters Gone Wrong – Six

It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG written and submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to

This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who hit the “Like” button on the ADVENTURE SPaM post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.


My dearest darling,

Like every night since I first devoured your blog I could not sleep again last night. I laid in bed and constant thoughts of you flooded my head. Even my complete set of glow in the dark Star Trek action figures which are perfectly arranged on my homemade replica of the Enterprise’s bridge could not distract me. (NC-1701 because you should know I am a purist.) The more I get to know about you without ever meeting you the more certain I am that your phaser will stun me into blissful submission. (I hope that did not sound gay. I like Sulu and everything, but not in that way.)

As I squirmed under my Federation comforter I thought about your curly or wavy or straight or long or short hair, your left index finger with its nail painted black, your two alluring shins. But don’t think I love you simply because I imagine you are beautiful. My feelings go much deeper. I love the way you use a computer to type big words and long sentences. I love that when you show photographs of your car they can be tractor beamed to pinpoint your exact location. I love that you have birthed children and are fertile like an Iowa cornfield. (As you know that is James T. Kirk’s home state.) Although we have never met “in the flesh” I can easily lie in bed and imagine what that fleshy meeting will be like even as I stare at my full wall photo collage of Uhura.

I know you must get love letters all the time, my little tribble. I know you have your choice of male specimens who promise you the world. I know I am facing stiff competition. Do not let that trouble you. I am sure once you tell me who these other men are you will never hear from them again. That I promise!

Now that you finally know the intensity of my devotion I’m sure as you think about me laying in bed tonight you will also have trouble sleeping. I am sorry for that, but love is never easy especially when it hits at warp speed.

Forever yours,


45 responses

  1. This guy !!! (^.^) I’m laughing my head off at Iowa cornfield and stiff competition XD.
    Is it John?

    January 6, 2012 at 2:50 am

    • That’s vote number one for John!

      January 6, 2012 at 5:42 am

  2. HR? … No, I do not know. I am guess HR.

    January 6, 2012 at 3:33 am

    • That’s vote number one for HR (and yes, it is possible to vote for someone who has written a letter previously. Some bloggers sent in more than one, and since they’re all amazing I plan at some point to run them all).

      January 6, 2012 at 5:43 am

  3. I was going to guess kayjai again, but there wasn’t one ‘F’ word in the entire letter, so that rules her out. I am guessing Dayton Ward. I already have a copy of your super book, but I love contests, especially those of the guessing kind. Great work on the blog H.E. Love your work!

    January 6, 2012 at 6:01 am

    • That’s one for Dayton. Sorry, Kayjai. See what happens when you behave?

      Thanks for the blog love!!!

      January 6, 2012 at 5:06 pm

  4. Guapo.

    January 6, 2012 at 6:36 am

    • Wait, he didn’t like that blog. He hated it. I’ll go with me. No, not me. Um…. Libra?

      January 6, 2012 at 6:38 am

      • No, I loved it.
        It’s the 70s post that made me ill…

        January 6, 2012 at 12:26 pm

        • Yeah, I can’t get that half-naked pic of Pete Rose out of my head either.

          January 6, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    • Why thank you, EH. You are a rather handsome man yourself.

      January 6, 2012 at 10:09 am

      • I just got this. I was talking about El Guapo. If I was talking about you, I would have said Guapa, because of the alveolar fricative subjunctive modifier that requires the letter A to be assigned to the ends of words about chicas in Spanish. Wow, that totally sounded like I knew what I was talking about!

        January 8, 2012 at 10:20 am

        • Why thank you, EH. You are a rather handsome man yourself.

          January 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm

          • Fuck! Is EVERYONE looking in my fucking window with a pair of binoculars?

            January 8, 2012 at 4:12 pm

            • It was just one person. But he put the pic online

              January 8, 2012 at 6:42 pm

              • I am CRYING laughing at this!!

                January 8, 2012 at 7:04 pm

                • What the – how did you get that pic, you Bandit? Now everyone can see my Cannonballs. Run! It’s my Longest Yard!

                  January 8, 2012 at 8:38 pm

                  • Now I’m BAWLING!!!

                    January 8, 2012 at 8:42 pm

                  • Yep, it’s a bear alright…

                    January 8, 2012 at 9:05 pm

  5. HR

    I vote Ms. Megan. Your misdirection isn’t fooling me, missy. I’m on to you.

    January 6, 2012 at 7:34 am

    • That’s a bit childish isn’t voting for me because I voted for you 😉

      January 7, 2012 at 3:34 pm

  6. “My little tribble” – I love that. Very funny letter!

    January 6, 2012 at 8:44 am

    • Yes it is!

      January 6, 2012 at 5:10 pm

  7. Hey, Sights, take it easy on the fucking f-bombs, will ya? I fucking love them and appreciate every fucking one of them. I’m guessing fucking Mr. Ward as fucking well, even though I too have a copy of H. E’s Awesome Fucking Book! There…all done now. Thanks. Fucking-A. Sorry, had one left over.

    January 6, 2012 at 9:49 am

    • Oho, the Fuckcounter is buzzing away from this one! With posts like this one, I will have to replace the batteries before the day is out.

      January 6, 2012 at 1:39 pm

      • I can lend you some batteries. I’ve got a stockpile of them.

        January 6, 2012 at 5:19 pm

        • Heheheheheheeee …*ahem* *straightens self up* Apologies abound for my profanity laden phrases…wanna buy a watch? *flips open trench coat to reveal knock off Rolexes strung haphazardly on the lining*

          January 7, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    • I wrote a book for that? Wow…I AM GOOD!!!

      January 6, 2012 at 5:11 pm

  8. Gotta be SyghtsnBytes – he was strongest on the Star Trek love I think…

    “you will also have trouble sleeping”
    Yeah…now that this is stuck in my head, I probably will…

    January 6, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    • Shelve it along side naked Pete Rose and the Wookie porn. Alright, alright. Here’s a mental palette cleanser.

      January 6, 2012 at 5:13 pm

      • TOO. CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
        What do they taste like?

        January 6, 2012 at 5:38 pm

        • Pete Rose. *doh!*

          January 6, 2012 at 6:44 pm

          • There’s a special place in Hell for you, Hellis.
            A place where nerds rework classic cars to look like Star Wars and Star Trek spaceships (but dont tell you which) and everyone listens to Gordon Lightfoot.
            At full blast.

            And no, it isn’t a town in Burbank. That’s a different kind of hell.

            January 6, 2012 at 7:12 pm

            • Oh…God…and Sammy Haggar is the front man for Van Halen…and everything is fuel injected…and men wax their..uh, stuff…AND THE DEVIL IS A YANKEES FAN!!!! OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!

              January 6, 2012 at 7:18 pm

              • Just found out I’m going to see VH with DLR in march, DC

                January 6, 2012 at 9:13 pm

                • GAHHH!!!!! I’d kill to see David Lee Roth in all his Zubaz glory!!!! Even if he is older than my parents!!!

                  January 6, 2012 at 9:25 pm

                  • give me an address/po box. I’ll get you a t shirt.

                    Saw them in Philly last year. Dave has fortunately grown out of the spandex onesies.

                    January 6, 2012 at 9:31 pm

                    • Well now that’s just disappointing. Watch your inbox, buddy!

                      January 6, 2012 at 9:33 pm

  9. Dayton Ward, the self-professed Trekkie!

    January 6, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    • That’s three for Mr. Ward!

      January 6, 2012 at 5:15 pm

  10. Dammit I’ve gotta start looking at this earlier. I originally would’ve said Dayton Ward but then I realised everyone had beaten me to it so then I thought I’d guess syghtsnbytes – but that’s been said too! So, just to be different, I’m going to say talin401 😛

    January 6, 2012 at 10:44 pm

    • Ok I’m sorry but when I read this I just started to laugh. The procrastinator said
      ” I’ve gotta start looking at this earlier. ” too funny.

      January 7, 2012 at 12:19 pm

  11. These posts are like when I was in English and they gave you one line from Shakespeare and one line from Brecht and one line from Steinbeck.
    I am pretty sure Steinbeck wrote this love letter, but I will check with the smart girl next to me.

    January 8, 2012 at 3:49 am

    • The smart girl next to me says Roddenberry.

      January 8, 2012 at 6:44 am

      • As long as no one suggests Rick Berman.

        January 12, 2012 at 2:31 pm