The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Confessions Of A Star Trek Virgin

Today I’ve decided to turn my blog over to HR Nightmare, as I am in the process of watching the latest movie version of Star Trek. For those of you who haven’t seen this movie, here’s a synopsis courtesy of IMDB:

On the day of James Kirk’s birth, his father dies on his ship in a last stand against a mysterious alien vessel. He was looking for Ambassador Spock, who is a child on Vulcan at that time, disdained by his neighbors for his half-human nature. Twenty-five years later, Kirk has grown into a young troublemaker inspired by Captain Christopher Pike to fulfill his potential in Starfleet even as he annoys his instructors like young Commander Spock. Suddenly, there is an emergency at Vulcan and the newly commissioned USS Enterprise is crewed with promising cadets like Nyota Uhura, Hikaru Sulu, Pavel Chekov and even Kirk himself thanks to Leonard McCoy’s medical trickery. Together, this crew will have an adventure in the final frontier where the old legend is altered forever even as the new version of it is just beginning. Written by Kenneth Chisholm (  

If you’d like a truly in depth take on the genre, pop over to Sightsnbytes’s Blog and visit his latest SciFi post. Now since I am really annoying HR is determined to show the world the real H.E. So take it away, HR!


When H.E. first asked me out on a date to catch a movie I thought I was gonna get lucky. You know what I mean guys, it was one of those Aw yeah moments. I should have known better. What I got was a non-stop question/answer session filled with, “Why did they do that?” or “What does that mean?” Here’s an example of how my “date” went:

HE: “That evil looking space craft is not very aerodynamic.”

ME: “There’s no air in space, so….”


HE: “Why does everyone speak English? I find that fact to be highly unlikely.”

ME: “Just watch the movie.”


HE: “OK, the kid is a little shit. I’d beat his ass too if he ever put his hands on my Corvette. I also find it highly unlikely that a kid that young would be able to manipulate the shift/clutch in a classic–”



HE: “Wait…Spock is getting bullied? I thought Vulcans didn’t have emotions.”

ME: “They have emotions, they keep them under control better than other races. From now on, just wait two minutes and the question will most likely be answered.”

HE: “So….what happens when Spock gets a boner?”

ME: “His ears get bigger.”

HE: “Oh….”

ME: “Now shut up and watch the movie.”


HE: “Oohhh…Spock is a MUDBLOOD!”

ME: “Wrong series, but yes.”


HE: *during bar scene* “Hey…Kirk is a cocky little shit/player just like you were!”

ME: “Wait for it…”

HE: “I stand corrected. Wife took the planet in the divorce. Yeah, you’re Bones.”


HE: “If they’re all wearing red, how do they know who’s going to die?”

ME: *Sigh…*


HE: “So when do the wookies get here?”



HE: “Whoa….Uhura and Spock are banging???”

ME: “Didn’t you see his ears get bigger?”


HE: “Are there tribbles in this movie? I like the tribbles.”

ME: “There aren’t any tribbles! That was the TV show!”

HE: “Well that’s false advertising. I wanted to see tribbles. I know there aren’t wookies, so what does Star Trek have that’s like a wookie? And how can there be an Asian guy and a Scottish guy and a Russian guy all on the same ship? Wouldn’t earth races all pretty much be muddied at this point in time? And I know he’s a dick, but that new Kirk is way cuter–”

ME: “THAT’S IT!!!”

* Shuts off movie, turns on Fast Five and leaves HE to drool over Vin Deisel and the Rock. I leave to watch The Matrix. *

57 responses

  1. Isn’t “Star Trek Virgin” a redundant phrase? Unless you guys meant sex during a Star Trek movie. Speaking of that, did you get lucky?

    January 7, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    • If by “lucky” you mean spending some quality “alone time” with Vin Diesel and the Rock once Star Trek was over I’d have to say yes; yes I did.

      January 7, 2012 at 3:11 pm

  2. Ben and I went to go see hellboy 2 for our first date, that was nearly 4 years ago and we were 15, how cute is that? Anyway the matrix is a such better movie then fast 5 and star trek put together! 🙂

    January 7, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    • I’m not sure if there’s anything better than Vin Diesel and The Rock together.

      January 7, 2012 at 3:16 pm

      • I am 100% sure there is … Type “rugby league” into google 😉

        January 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm

        • Guh…I stand corrected.

          January 7, 2012 at 3:32 pm

          • I am glad to be of assistance 😉

            January 7, 2012 at 3:35 pm

            • Holy crap Ms. Megan, Your correct. I just looked up the Female Rugby Team’s, and yea I’m thinkin your on to something.

              I’ll get back to you.

              January 7, 2012 at 3:53 pm

              • First of all – The Rock and Vin Diesel together? Together together? That’s gross.
                Second – Female Rugby gave me not so attractive females, but I did Roller Derby and got much better results.

                January 7, 2012 at 4:56 pm

                • Ok but there is something about a woman that can kick my ass that’s appealing. The roller beauties is more of a fling thing.

                  January 7, 2012 at 5:41 pm

            • Normally I’m against killing but this article slrhtugeaed my ignorance.

              April 24, 2014 at 4:47 pm

              • Hey, HE, do you have any bactine? I think I slrhtugeaed myself.

                April 24, 2014 at 4:54 pm

  3. if you watched the TV series you would know that everyone ‘seems’ to speak English by means of the ‘Universal Translator’. This device allows anyone, no matter the language, to communicate freely. What a wonderful piece of technology this would be

    January 7, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    • Crap. That’s what HR said. Now I’m out five bucks. Damn Star Trek canon.

      January 7, 2012 at 3:33 pm

  4. OK, Lucky? Nope. I wasn’t even “lucky” enough to finish the damn movie.

    2nd – There isn’t much in the world better then the Matrix trilogy.

    3rd – When I tried to explain the “Universal Translate” thing, yeah, there was a lot of miscommunication and little understanding.

    January 7, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    • I think you need to get out more 😉

      January 7, 2012 at 3:53 pm

      • You know you’re not the first woman to say that. As a matter of fact the older I get the more women tell me to get out, more and more.

        January 7, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    • Yeah, that thing doesn’t work so well on male/female translations.

      January 7, 2012 at 4:57 pm

      • There is nothing that can translate the meaning behind words females say to men.

        January 7, 2012 at 5:11 pm

  5. we trekkies know our shit

    January 7, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    • Yes you do, and I’m impressed. Sooo much information to hold in your brain pans. I don’t know that much about myself!

      January 7, 2012 at 4:15 pm

      • It’s easy. Other people just use the area of the brain that you are currently using to hold information about cars.

        January 7, 2012 at 4:58 pm

        • That still leaves a lot of room for all the other things like ….things you can’t unsee,
          investigative reporting on the real issues out there, dodging the love letters of others.

          January 7, 2012 at 5:16 pm

  6. talker96

    You know what’s better than Vin Diesel and the Rock together? Vin Diesel and the Rock not together.
    I will say, there should be tribbles in every one of the Star Trek films, that would be awesome.

    January 7, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    • Tribbles? Yes.
      No Diesel/Rock? BLASPHEMY!!!

      January 7, 2012 at 4:13 pm

      • Then this will tempt your tummy with the taste of nuts and honey:

        January 7, 2012 at 5:01 pm

        • BETTER. THAN. PORN.

          January 7, 2012 at 5:12 pm

          • IF. YOU. MEAN. GAY. PORN.

            January 7, 2012 at 5:31 pm

            • I didn’t, but I’m not above looking at that too. What can I say? Pretty men are pretty men, and gay men are the prettiest.

              January 7, 2012 at 5:39 pm

              • Richard Simmons. I rest my case.

                January 7, 2012 at 9:17 pm

  7. From Star Trek to Gay Porn in 27 comments.
    Is that a record?

    January 7, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    • I’m not sure, but I’m beginning to think I have a problem.

      January 7, 2012 at 6:58 pm

  8. I am not touching that one!

    January 7, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    • Thats what she said. No really, she did.

      January 7, 2012 at 7:09 pm

  9. kat

    “Spock is a mudblood” . . . Classic.

    January 7, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    • I’m glad you agree. You should have seen the look I got when I said it.

      January 7, 2012 at 7:15 pm

  10. This reminds me of my first date with my wife.

    Actually, there were tribbles in the movie. HR just bailed into the Matrix before that part. Probably better for all involved.

    January 7, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    • Damn I missed it!!

      January 7, 2012 at 7:15 pm

  11. I think you should watch Maximum Overdrive next. A great classic. Unless you’ve already seen it.

    January 8, 2012 at 9:38 am

    • I’m pretty sure I’ve seen it before. I’m also pretty sure you were there. 😉

      January 8, 2012 at 9:44 am

      • Oh yeah, that was a long time ago. I’m pretty sure that was another movie you never finished.

        January 8, 2012 at 9:51 am

        • No comment.

          January 8, 2012 at 9:52 am

          • You do not have to comment 😉

            January 8, 2012 at 10:33 am

            • That’s right. You know EXACTLY what he’s talking about, don’t you? 😉

              January 8, 2012 at 10:36 am

              • I do not think I have sat though many films 😉

                January 8, 2012 at 10:37 am

                • Naughty girl. I knew I liked you.

                  January 8, 2012 at 10:38 am

                  • We are holding a surprise party for my friend, she is 22 on the 21st and I am in charge of Adult pass the parcel! It is going to be fun 😀

                    January 8, 2012 at 10:46 am

                    • Aw man…I wish I could come!

                      January 8, 2012 at 10:47 am

            • Ha ha ha haaa hahaha. That worked better than giving diamonds.

              January 8, 2012 at 10:42 am

              • You’re an ass…

                January 8, 2012 at 10:46 am

                • But it did work better right? ahaha

                  January 8, 2012 at 10:48 am

  12. Yes it did, but not as well a superglue lip stick.

    January 8, 2012 at 11:05 am

    • You just made me chock on my ice-cream!!

      January 8, 2012 at 11:10 am

  13. The Rock has a pointy head.

    January 9, 2012 at 7:27 am

    • Never noticed. My eyes were drawn to other things…

      January 9, 2012 at 9:05 am

      • What was that? The bulge of his OTHER pointy head? 😉

        January 9, 2012 at 12:20 pm

        • Precisely.

          January 9, 2012 at 12:22 pm