The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

My Secret Admirer – Six

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Find out who that winner is by clicking on the trophy to your right.

Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to


My dearest darling,

Like every night since I first devoured your blog I could not sleep again last night. I laid in bed and constant thoughts of you flooded my head. Even my complete set of glow in the dark Star Trek action figures which are perfectly arranged on my homemade replica of the Enterprise’s bridge could not distract me. (NC-1701 because you should know I am a purist.) The more I get to know about you without ever meeting you the more certain I am that your phaser will stun me into blissful submission. (I hope that did not sound gay. I like Sulu and everything, but not in that way.)

As I squirmed under my Federation comforter I thought about your curly or wavy or straight or long or short hair, your left index finger with its nail painted black, your two alluring shins. But don’t think I love you simply because I imagine you are beautiful. My feelings go much deeper. I love the way you use a computer to type big words and long sentences. I love that when you show photographs of your car they can be tractor beamed to pinpoint your exact location. I love that you have birthed children and are fertile like an Iowa cornfield. (As you know that is James T. Kirk’s home state.) Although we have never met “in the flesh” I can easily lie in bed and imagine what that fleshy meeting will be like even as I stare at my full wall photo collage of Uhura.

I know you must get love letters all the time, my little tribble. I know you have your choice of male specimens who promise you the world. I know I am facing stiff competition. Do not let that trouble you. I am sure once you tell me who these other men are you will never hear from them again. That I promise!

Now that you finally know the intensity of my devotion I’m sure as you think about me laying in bed tonight you will also have trouble sleeping. I am sorry for that, but love is never easy especially when it hits at warp speed.

Forever yours,



Dear Lenny,

Sadly, I cannot meet with you as my father prohibits my dating outside our religion. As you well know my family belongs to The Church of Jedi Knights, and I have been betrothed to another. However, should the Empire defeat the Rebellion I may become available to meet for drinks. How familiar are you with the Mos Eisley Cantina?

May the Force be with you,







8 responses

  1. Thanx for visiting my site and leaving wet footprints. You and my daughter, LadyRyl, next time bring a friend, my ego could use the traffic. I had a look at your Gods of Asphalt e-book. I thought since I read voraciously, at 99 cents, it might be worth downloading to my son’s new Kobo reader. Sadly, both he and I are a long way from 17. Good, solid feel, well started, but just not our style. As I told Rants, the only adolescent stuff I read as an adult, was Heinlein’s.

    January 8, 2012 at 1:02 am

    • Don’t sweat it. It’s not for everyone. I’ll give your copy to Rantonit. 🙂 And you can count on me being back to your blog. The New Hampshire primaries are in full swing so I’ve got lots of blog fodder for you to chew on.

      January 8, 2012 at 6:41 am

  2. IwonIwonIwonIwon!!! XD how awesome is that! 😀 didn’t see that one coming (^.^)

    January 8, 2012 at 2:43 am

    • Yay! Watch your inbox.

      January 8, 2012 at 6:41 am

  3. Clever guy, that Lenny.

    January 8, 2012 at 8:50 am

    • That he is. 🙂

      January 8, 2012 at 8:57 am

  4. “My little tribble…” Hilarious! You always make me LOL!

    January 8, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    • John seriously cracks me up too. I’m glad more people got to see it for themselves!

      January 8, 2012 at 4:43 pm