A quasi writer avoiding life through Zen meditation and grain alcohol

Love Letters Gone Wrong – Seven

It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG written and submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who was featured in a SPaM post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.

*******

To whom it may concern,

Listen, enough is enough. You’ve played your little game and I think this has gone on far too long, okay? If you are trying to scare me, it’s totally working. So please, please stop sending me love letters written in blood(complete with the tampon you used to write it), stop calling my home(how the fuck did you even get my phone number) and for the love of god, TELL ME WHAT YOU DID TO MY DOG! The guy who took him told me to stop ignoring you before he knocked me out and that I better jump through the hoops to get the dog back which is exactly what I’ve done!

I think I’ve been a sport, don’t you? I did everything you asked, no questions, but you still won’t do one fucking thing for me, why? Why won’t you give my dog back to me?

Question, was that you in the window of my kitchen? I know it was because there is not one other person that lives around me that would be licking my window at 2 a.m. in the nude. It had to be you. But don’t you live like, 80 states away from me? It’s what you said on your blog, that you live on the east coast, so what the fuck? I’m going to the cops, I’ve had enough.

I thought you were just a like minded blogger when I first commented on that post you wrote, nothing else. It was not meant to be or true love, like you said in each of the nearly 300 emails you wrote. And I wasn’t ignoring you last month, nor was I cheating on you. First off, I don’t even know you and second, we are not a fucking couple. Last month, like I told you before, my grandmother was dying and I needed to be close to her. It was a hard time for me and my family and I shut everyone off, so I really don’t appreciate the flowers you sent to her hospital room with the card reading “Fuck off slut, he’s my man.” My mom said it was the last thing she read before passing ten minutes later. I hate you for that.

One last thing, I don’t like pictures of your vagina reenacting scenes from the film Gone with the wind, though I will say, that one picture where Scarlett is walking the plantation was a very creative use of space. Also, the penis you have playing Rhett is all wrong, Rhett wasn’t black.

Don’t contact me again.

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39 responses

  1. Ahhhaahah XD ‘effing brilliant!!! (^.^) . Wandering atavist?

    January 13, 2012 at 2:17 am

    • That’s one for the Atavist. By the way, you should be receiving a package in the mail in the weeks to come. 🙂

      January 13, 2012 at 6:47 am

      • Jyusss! (^.^) I can hardly wait!! 😀

        January 13, 2012 at 10:31 am

  2. This is Brilliant! ahaha I think it was Jeb, the line “be licking my window at 2 a.m. in the nude” is fantastic!

    January 13, 2012 at 3:55 am

    • He’s actually done that. It was a car window, but still.

      January 13, 2012 at 6:46 am

      • That does not suprise me! then again, not a lot you lot do suprises me anymore 😉

        January 13, 2012 at 9:02 am

  3. HR Nightmare!
    Man, that is one twisted letter. Whoever wrote it needs help

    January 13, 2012 at 6:06 am

    • I’d have picked him too.

      January 13, 2012 at 6:45 am

  4. BrainRants. Or Sandy – that totally sounds like something she would write, based on the letters she’s been sending me. Whoever wrote it, you need help.

    January 13, 2012 at 6:23 am

    • I agree. That Sandy is one sick puppy. 🙂

      January 13, 2012 at 6:46 am

  5. WOW, This ones got issues. I’m going to guess it’s

    Lipshitz the elf.

    January 13, 2012 at 6:41 am

    • Only you, HR.

      January 13, 2012 at 6:45 am

      • H R Nightmare

        And Honey Badger, dont forget the Honey Badger.

        January 14, 2012 at 4:20 pm

  6. You’ve got me thinking about Clark Gable’s penis! A new thought for every day….

    January 13, 2012 at 6:59 am

    • I think this blogger needs to start doing after school PSA’s.

      January 13, 2012 at 7:01 am

  7. My guess is HR…or do you go by Nightmare, or Nightie or Marish, or…never mind. HR is my guess…

    January 13, 2012 at 7:22 am

    • I mainly get referred to as “Ass” but Mr. Brady would work too.

      January 13, 2012 at 8:54 am

      • OK…Mr. Bradyass it is!!

        January 13, 2012 at 2:26 pm

        • H R Nightmare

          Thank you for leaving that as one word.

          January 14, 2012 at 4:24 pm

  8. Let’s go with B. Rants!

    January 13, 2012 at 8:09 am

    • B.Rants it is!

      January 13, 2012 at 6:00 pm

  9. Eddie, how did you know I drink my coffee out of a mug that says, “You’re perverted, twisted and sick. I like that in a person.” Yes, I could have written that and I wished I had (the coffee mug slogan not the email, okay the email, too), but alas I did not. I’m voting for Jeb.

    January 13, 2012 at 8:35 am

    • Jeb it is!

      January 13, 2012 at 6:00 pm

  10. Wait – I’m not seeing the love in this letter….
    And how many pages can you get from one tampon-quill? Is it more cost effective than a fountain pen?
    What if I want different color inks? Are there certain foods I should suggest my source eat?

    January 13, 2012 at 9:24 am

    • Ewwwwwww…..that’s nasty!

      January 13, 2012 at 12:04 pm

      • Wait a minute – How’d I get to be the bad guy here?!?
        It’s a reasonable question, and obviously HE knows…

        January 13, 2012 at 3:11 pm

        • Yes El Guapo…I have brought you over to the dark side….

          You’ll like it here. There’s cake.

          January 13, 2012 at 6:02 pm

        • How is that question ‘reasonable’?? Different colored inks??? ugh…seriously, maybe YOU wrote that letter from disturbia…

          January 13, 2012 at 6:02 pm

          • I know if you eat asparagus your blood will smell different, and if you eat pineapple your blood will taste diff – no, wait, that’s something else.

            January 13, 2012 at 6:13 pm

            • Bananas are the worst EH 😉 If we are on the same subject …

              January 14, 2012 at 7:04 am

              • Um… I don’t think we are, Megan.

                January 14, 2012 at 8:28 am

                • Roast dinner? Asparagus would make it smell different, pineapple would make it taste different and bananas would make it taste bad!

                  January 14, 2012 at 2:38 pm

                  • It’s not really about cooking. It’s more in-your-face than that.

                    January 14, 2012 at 5:07 pm

          • Pfooosh! …..and that was my head imploding.

            January 14, 2012 at 3:09 am

  11. Could it be ’96? Does he come out of hiding long enough to write letters? It’s got a nice twist to the approach, so that’s my guess.

    January 13, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    • Les is going with the very twisty Talker96.

      January 13, 2012 at 6:03 pm

  12. Fantastic! Never has “love gone wrong” been so right!

    January 14, 2012 at 9:28 am

    • I worry about you, Hook. 🙂

      January 14, 2012 at 10:54 am