My Secret Admirer – Seven
It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Find out who that winner is by clicking on the trophy to your right.
Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to email@example.com.
To whom it may concern,
Listen, enough is enough. You’ve played your little game and I think this has gone on far too long, okay? If you are trying to scare me, it’s totally working. So please, please stop sending me love letters written in blood(complete with the tampon you used to write it), stop calling my home(how the fuck did you even get my phone number) and for the love of god, TELL ME WHAT YOU DID TO MY DOG! The guy who took him told me to stop ignoring you before he knocked me out and that I better jump through the hoops to get the dog back which is exactly what I’ve done!
I think I’ve been a sport, don’t you? I did everything you asked, no questions, but you still won’t do one fucking thing for me, why? Why won’t you give my dog back to me?
Question, was that you in the window of my kitchen? I know it was because there is not one other person that lives around me that would be licking my window at 2 a.m. in the nude. It had to be you. But don’t you live like, 80 states away from me? It’s what you said on your blog, that you live on the east coast, so what the fuck? I’m going to the cops, I’ve had enough.
I thought you were just a like minded blogger when I first commented on that post you wrote, nothing else. It was not meant to be or true love, like you said in each of the nearly 300 emails you wrote. And I wasn’t ignoring you last month, nor was I cheating on you. First off, I don’t even know you and second, we are not a fucking couple. Last month, like I told you before, my grandmother was dying and I needed to be close to her. It was a hard time for me and my family and I shut everyone off, so I really don’t appreciate the flowers you sent to her hospital room with the card reading “Fuck off slut, he’s my man.” My mom said it was the last thing she read before passing ten minutes later. I hate you for that.
One last thing, I don’t like pictures of your vagina reenacting scenes from the film Gone with the wind, though I will say, that one picture where Scarlett is walking the plantation was a very creative use of space. Also, the penis you have playing Rhett is all wrong, Rhett wasn’t black.
Don’t contact me again.
I think it’s adorable how you deny your feelings for me. You and I were destined to be together. That’s what I told your grandmother when she wouldn’t let me into your house. She was a tough old bird, I’ll give her that. The anonymous cookies I sent filled with enough rat poison to take her down cost me nearly twenty dollars. But these are the sacrifices I’m willing to make for our love.
And can you blame me for licking the window glass? After all, you were wearing your feety pajamas as you stood drinking straight from the carton in front of your fridge, I mean come on?? What did you expect me to do? Knock on the door and ask to come in? How crazy is THAT??
I know there must be a reason why you won’t return my phone calls, emails, text messages, tweets, blog posts, Facebook, MySpace, snail mail, carrier pigeon, brick through your window, etc. I am convinced that SOMEONE is holding you back from expressing the love I know exists only for me. When I find out who that SOMEONE is…let’s just say you might want to make space next to Grandma.
My friends say I’m taking this too far. They say that if you were interested in me you’d have let me know by now. Because of this I am compelled to say…
Sigh…I feel much better.
As far as tampons go, there are plenty more where that from. Your dog gave the ultimate sacrifice for our love. In fact, there’s three jars worth of your Fluffy’s sacrifice in your fridge. Go on and look.
CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER: