The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

My Secret Admirer – Seven

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Find out who that winner is by clicking on the trophy to your right.

Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to


To whom it may concern,

Listen, enough is enough. You’ve played your little game and I think this has gone on far too long, okay? If you are trying to scare me, it’s totally working. So please, please stop sending me love letters written in blood(complete with the tampon you used to write it), stop calling my home(how the fuck did you even get my phone number) and for the love of god, TELL ME WHAT YOU DID TO MY DOG! The guy who took him told me to stop ignoring you before he knocked me out and that I better jump through the hoops to get the dog back which is exactly what I’ve done!

I think I’ve been a sport, don’t you? I did everything you asked, no questions, but you still won’t do one fucking thing for me, why? Why won’t you give my dog back to me?

Question, was that you in the window of my kitchen? I know it was because there is not one other person that lives around me that would be licking my window at 2 a.m. in the nude. It had to be you. But don’t you live like, 80 states away from me? It’s what you said on your blog, that you live on the east coast, so what the fuck? I’m going to the cops, I’ve had enough.

I thought you were just a like minded blogger when I first commented on that post you wrote, nothing else. It was not meant to be or true love, like you said in each of the nearly 300 emails you wrote. And I wasn’t ignoring you last month, nor was I cheating on you. First off, I don’t even know you and second, we are not a fucking couple. Last month, like I told you before, my grandmother was dying and I needed to be close to her. It was a hard time for me and my family and I shut everyone off, so I really don’t appreciate the flowers you sent to her hospital room with the card reading “Fuck off slut, he’s my man.” My mom said it was the last thing she read before passing ten minutes later. I hate you for that.

One last thing, I don’t like pictures of your vagina reenacting scenes from the film Gone with the wind, though I will say, that one picture where Scarlett is walking the plantation was a very creative use of space. Also, the penis you have playing Rhett is all wrong, Rhett wasn’t black.

Don’t contact me again.


Dear Pookie-face,

I think it’s adorable how you deny your feelings for me. You and I were destined to be together. That’s what I told your grandmother when she wouldn’t let me into your house. She was a tough old bird, I’ll give her that. The anonymous cookies I sent filled with enough rat poison to take her down cost me nearly twenty dollars. But these are the sacrifices I’m willing to make for our love.

And can you blame me for licking the window glass? After all, you were wearing your feety pajamas as you stood drinking straight from the carton in front of your fridge, I mean come on?? What did you expect me to do? Knock on the door and ask to come in? How crazy is THAT??

I know there must be a reason why you won’t return my phone calls, emails, text messages, tweets, blog posts, Facebook, MySpace, snail mail, carrier pigeon, brick through your window, etc. I am convinced that SOMEONE is holding you back from expressing the love I know exists only for me. When I find out who that SOMEONE is…let’s just say you might want to make space next to Grandma.

My friends say I’m taking this too far. They say that if you were interested in me you’d have let me know by now. Because of this I am compelled to say…


Sigh…I feel much better.

As far as tampons go, there are plenty more where that from. Your dog gave the ultimate sacrifice for our love. In fact, there’s three jars worth of your Fluffy’s sacrifice in your fridge. Go on and look.

I’ll wait.






22 responses

  1. H R Nightmare

    This one must have been a breeze for you.
    I mean, hitting so close to home and personal experience and all.

    January 15, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    • Check the fridge.

      January 15, 2012 at 12:41 pm

      • H R Nightmare

        NNNOOOO FFllluuufffffffyyyyy!!! You’re one sick girl. Oohh…jello.

        January 15, 2012 at 1:08 pm

        • Don’t eat the jello.

          January 15, 2012 at 1:15 pm

  2. I love stalker stuff.. 🙂 Call me sick and twisted… it’s who I am.
    By the way – I clicked the trophy and I clicked the heart that said CLICK ME (which I didn’t want to – I have this aversion to clicking on needy hearts).

    But in the end.. it all worked out! Both blogs are awesome.

    Great post.

    January 15, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    • Thanks! I get what you mean about needy hearts. I prefer to dissect them.

      January 15, 2012 at 12:43 pm

  3. Talker96 eh? Clearly another interesting individual I must make a point to read about .

    January 15, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    • He is insane in every sense of the word. I mean that in a good way.

      January 15, 2012 at 1:15 pm

  4. I just don’t understand how to identify these people!

    January 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    • Me either. 🙂

      January 15, 2012 at 8:21 pm

  5. Thanks, H.E.–
    I can’t believe I won. I am sitting in urine-soaked pants with excitement (I do this everyday by the way). I already bought your book (which is great–everybody buy H.Es book!) and am pathetically not all the way through, but loving it just the same. So don’t send me another one–save the shipping!
    Also, Talker96, that sick f*ck, is great. Everybody check him out.
    H. E Rules!

    January 15, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    • Thanks Les! Sorry about your pants, though. 😦

      January 15, 2012 at 2:59 pm

  6. Am I too late…to wish you a Happy Birthday???? Happy Birthday!!!

    January 15, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    • Not at all. It’s my birthday all day today! Thanks!

      January 15, 2012 at 7:20 pm

  7. I’ve gotten every single one of these wrong. Even the one I wrote.

    January 15, 2012 at 6:04 pm

    • By Sunday I have to check and remember who wrote them too, so don’t feel bad. 🙂

      January 15, 2012 at 8:23 pm

  8. If you’re using dogs blood for the tampon quills, that’s just cheating. I don’t think you really love him near as much as you say.

    January 15, 2012 at 9:40 pm

    • That first sentence… I’m betting you’re the first person in the history of the world ever to use those words in that order.

      January 15, 2012 at 11:21 pm

      • Maybe. But the way things go on some blogs, I doubt I’ll be the last…

        January 16, 2012 at 11:08 am

        • Are you trying to tell me something? If so, I’ve got a post set for February 22nd you might like.

          January 16, 2012 at 11:14 am

          • Wow – you plan these out awfully far in advance. I don;t know what I’ve posted until I go back and read my page after publishing!

            January 16, 2012 at 11:17 am

            • I have to. I’ve got SPaM posts that run into March and Love Letters Gone Wrong that go all the way to May. By the way…

              January 16, 2012 at 11:21 am