The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

The Hellis 100 (1-10)

Ladies and Gentlemen it is official; I have finally hit my one hundredth blog post. To mark this historic occasion I have decided to blog about 100 of my favorite things in ten separate blog posts; all in wacky Hellis fashion of course. To kick things off I’ve dedicated my first blog post to….


I suffered for years as a kid from insomnia and spent many a sleepless night watching reruns of classic sitcom television. Over time I developed a fondness for certain characters, so here is a list of my top ten favorites:

10. Florence Jean Castleberry – Friends like me call her Flo. The rest of you can kiss her grits.

9. Schneider – Never met a toilet he couldn’t unclog or a MILF he wouldn’t dry hump.

8. Maynard G Krebs –  Think perpetually horny, arguably stoned Gilligan.

7. Jan Brady – The poor man’s Marsha.

6. Rosco P. Coltrane – His laugh is the very definition of Awesomesauce.

5. Arnold Jackson – Go on and tell me you didn’t see the episode with the bicycle man.

4. Isaac – The Love Boat’s very own Lando Calrissian (because he was smooth, not because he was black).

3. Horshack – Living proof that you can be both a dork and a nerd.

2. Mrs. Roper – Television’s first Desperate Housewife.

1. And last but not least I give you The Ghetto Cassanova himself… J.J. Evans.

49 responses

  1. Although I have no clue what you are on about, Congrats and when I can not sleep, I turn on the sports channel because American football is usually on at one or two in the morning 😉

    January 19, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    • Football gets me too angry and then I can’t get back to sleep. When I was younger I watched all these shows which were classified as adult television. Now that I’m an adult I watch mostly cartoons. I make no sense.

      January 19, 2012 at 5:15 pm

      • Makes sense to me, so that therefore means I do not make sense … or we both make sense, to much thinking, I can not sleep and I have college tomorrow argh!

        January 19, 2012 at 5:18 pm

        • Unbelievably, I understood that.

          January 19, 2012 at 5:33 pm

          • Good, I am glad we are on the same page.

            January 19, 2012 at 5:36 pm

  2. Another cool idea for a post! I like your choices of Flo, Maynard Krebs and J J Walker. My top ten would be Rev. Jim from Taxi, Fish from Barney Miller, Sue Ann Niven from the Mary Tyler Moore Show, Mork, Woody from Cheers, Maxwell Smart, Dan Fielding from Night Court, Bill McNeal from News Radio, Dr. Johnny Fever from WKRP and of course, Lucy.

    Yes, I, too, watched way too much TV.

    January 19, 2012 at 5:11 pm


      January 19, 2012 at 5:13 pm

      • And congrats on the 100th post milestone! I’m right behind you, sista, with 87.

        January 19, 2012 at 5:16 pm

        • Cool…I think you should do Top Ten Hunkiest Men of all time. That’s a good one.

          January 19, 2012 at 5:17 pm

          • Oh, that would be a fun one to research…. I’m getting warm just thinking about it.

            January 19, 2012 at 5:22 pm

            • Aw yeah….

              January 19, 2012 at 5:33 pm

      • FISH!!!!!!!
        Abe Vigoda was a battle cry in college!

        January 19, 2012 at 10:30 pm

  3. Good list. I’m guessing Danny Partridge had to be a “tough cut” for you.

    January 19, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    • Him and Pinky Tuscadero from Happy Days. I wanted to be them both, believe it or not.

      January 19, 2012 at 5:34 pm

  4. Nice choices here. When these were on tv you were like what, 30?

    January 19, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    • Pretty big words for a Saved By the Bell fan.

      January 19, 2012 at 5:47 pm

      • Your so mean. I told you that it was on when I walked in. besides screetch was cool.

        January 19, 2012 at 8:40 pm

        • Sorry, but “Screetch” porn is NOT cool.

          January 20, 2012 at 5:22 am

  5. Happy Blogiversary! (sp?) Was Karen Walker from “WIll & Grace” number eleven. Now SHE was a one-of-a-kind character! Great post!

    January 19, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    • I LOVE HER!!!! When I get really excited I laugh like her. Awesome.

      January 19, 2012 at 6:25 pm

  6. This post rules by the mere fact that you included Roscoe P Coltrane.

    But then… Time passes and what happens to some of these cats when they can’t get another acting gig?

    January 19, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    • OMG I want a painting!!! It gives me a chill in my gizzard as well.

      January 19, 2012 at 6:27 pm

  7. omg.. i totally remember all of these shows.. Horshack, Roscoe P. Coltrain and Flo were three of my favorite characters growing up.

    Awesomesauce post indeed.

    January 19, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    • It was hard to narrow it down to just ten, let me tell you.

      January 19, 2012 at 6:28 pm

  8. No Jack Tripper?

    January 19, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    • Sorry, got focused on the content and not the purpose – congratulations on 100 great posts!

      January 19, 2012 at 10:36 pm

      • Thanks. I liked Jack, but I liked the Ropers and Mr. Furley just a little bit more. Mrs. Roper best of all. She was perpetually horny, and I always thought that was funny as hell.

        January 20, 2012 at 5:26 am

  9. Completely awesome! I’m glad other people appreciate the magic that is Isaac.

    I’m at 105 posts and did nothing to celebrate. What a twerp.

    January 19, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    • You should have thrown a party! And Isaac was the man. I never understood why the doctor got all the women but alas, they didn’t let five year-olds write the show.

      January 20, 2012 at 5:27 am

  10. Congrats on 100. I am on the cusp of a milestone myself. I’m at 9915 hits. Maybe by tomorrow it will hit 10,000. Who’d a thunk it when we started playing with this. love your blog.

    January 19, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    • Thanks! Love your blog as well. Traveling and semi-esoteric music posts. What’s not to love?

      January 20, 2012 at 5:28 am

  11. I really don’t think I could narrow it down to 10. Flo was awesome. Looking forward to your next list…

    January 19, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    • My next list is a doosy. I think Mr. Roper used to say that.

      January 20, 2012 at 5:29 am

  12. Shocked I am. And appalled that while you included the inestimable Isaac, there was no Gopher.
    Should have been a tie for those two.

    Congrats on your big 100. I’m a few short myself. Of posts thank you.
    Thinking of going with a haiku to mark it…

    January 19, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    • OOHHH…..a GOPHER haiku would be EPIC…

      January 20, 2012 at 5:30 am

  13. I also see you’ve taken off the comment moderation.

    January 19, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    • Oh God…..

      January 20, 2012 at 5:30 am

  14. I’m sorry, I only knew half of them,,,I was in love with MacGuyver. But he came later.

    January 20, 2012 at 6:55 am

    • Said a very unsatisfied Mrs. MacGuyver.

      January 20, 2012 at 1:02 pm

  15. I know 2, I’m figuring the rest of them never made their way over the Atlantic?!

    January 20, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    • Probably not. Most of these were shows from the seventies that they aired as midnight reruns in the eighties, which is how I became acquainted with them.

      January 20, 2012 at 1:04 pm

  16. Congrats on #100!!!! What a great 100th post it is… LOL

    January 20, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    • Thanks! You should like the next one. It has to do with…mustaches.

      January 20, 2012 at 1:05 pm

  17. Mer

    Yes! So glad (?) to know that someone else combatted insomnia with TV. Dick Van Dyke was my go-to guy.

    January 21, 2012 at 11:40 am

  18. I’m sorry to say the only one I truly recognize is Gary Coleman, despite never having seen or played a single thing he’s been in! I have heard tell of the other Mrs. Roper, and indeed the other Mr. Roper, but as a Brit I cannot accept anyone other than Brian Murphy and Yootha Joyce in those roles. Anyone else is to my mind a RINO – Roper In Name Only.

    Also, given my username, it’d be remiss of me not to suggest a certain George Louis Costanza. That man is my idol.

    PS: Congrats!

    January 21, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    • Thanks! I love George Costanza as well. I loved the episode where, believing himself a loser, he did everything the opposite and became a winner. I’ve done a bit of that myself.

      January 21, 2012 at 4:08 pm

  19. Now I know why you’re so healthy. You grew up with a lot of corn.

    January 21, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    • Ba dum bum.

      January 22, 2012 at 6:27 pm

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