The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Love Letters Gone Wrong – Eight

It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG written and submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to

This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who “Liked” my Top Ten Reasons” post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.

Dear the so called H.E.Ellis,

What the hell is your name really? I like the name that you have chosen, did you know it means ‘Noble one’ do you see yourself as that person? Or more like someone with a name that means ‘Sorrows’. I guess if I was ever to name someone with a talent like yours, you’re a decent writer; I might call her Gemma or Opal.

I am not going to bore you with all the shit about how I wanna re-decorate your lady cave or increase your stamina, which I could do by the way, I am instead going to say that one day I will stand outside your window and sing to you. I like fairy-tales and hope you do too.

I am not going to attach photos of my rather excellent equipment.

I guess most of this ‘Love Letter’ or as I want to call it ‘Creepy Email’ has been about what I do not wanna do, what I want to do is know you more, I mean, I guess we are the same in the fact that you only state who you are not. You’re not Jodi Picoult, you’re not a soccer mom and you’re not an Eric Clapton fan…

Who are you?

In any case you will be receiving a complementary DNA test kit so that I can find out once and for all who you are. Once you prove who you are I will be willing to fuck you.


43 responses

  1. Erm … Sparkle Bumps? I think!

    January 20, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    • The first vote is for Sparklebumps!

      January 20, 2012 at 1:28 pm

  2. a boom box.

    January 20, 2012 at 1:35 pm

  3. Yes! I have converted yet another seemingly normal human being into a Pissa! You may pick up your New England lifetime membership card at the front desk.

    January 20, 2012 at 1:36 pm

  4. Darn it Ms. Megan that was my guess. Well I guess Ms. Bumps also maybe HE wont see your guess.

    January 20, 2012 at 1:38 pm


      That’s it. New contest. Whoever has read my book gets the chance to guess which character HR Nightmare is. If they guess right they win a free paperback. Suck on that, Mikhail.

      January 20, 2012 at 1:43 pm

      • I didn’t read it yet.. but I just bought it and will be reading it tonight! And sorry bout the boom box comment.. I should probably stop by more often so I don’t jump in before knowing the frigging rules and all.


        January 20, 2012 at 1:46 pm

        • Don’t sweat it. Half the time I don’t know what the rules are and I make them. Stop by anyway! 🙂

          January 20, 2012 at 8:50 pm

      • NIKKI!!!! (Bosephus seems too well adjusted to be HR)

        January 20, 2012 at 2:08 pm

        • HAHA!!!! Awesome.

          January 20, 2012 at 8:50 pm

      • Its mmeeeeee now wheres my book b###h,
        I won that one.

        January 20, 2012 at 2:47 pm

        • By the way I meant it was as a character IN the book my guess is still the stunning
          Ms. Bumps.

          January 20, 2012 at 2:49 pm

        • I am sure your character is Bekka 😉 12 year old with an attitude …

          January 20, 2012 at 4:28 pm

          • Spot. On. Megan. 🙂

            January 20, 2012 at 8:51 pm

            • Hey, are you sayin I have an attitude? and you the other one, are you sayin I’m a 12 year old girl ?

              January 20, 2012 at 8:57 pm

              • You were a twelve year old girl at one point right?!

                January 21, 2012 at 5:10 am

                • WOW Ms. Megan your pissa-ness is really comming along nicley.
                  and no I was never a 12 year old girl. it wasent untill I was 14 when I relised I was a 12 year old little girl, late bloomer and all.

                  January 21, 2012 at 9:35 am

        • Apaticeprion for this information is over 9000-thank you!

          April 24, 2014 at 11:06 am

  5. ok. I’m going to say this is a leeeetle bit disturbing.
    Like genuinely so (0.o) . my mind is too blown to guess.

    January 20, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    • It is deliciously creepy!

      January 20, 2012 at 8:51 pm

  6. Hmmm….how about kayjai?

    January 20, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    • John votes for Kayjai!

      January 20, 2012 at 8:52 pm

  7. My guess is Rantonit…
    He protests a bit strongly, methinks…

    January 20, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    • El Guapo votes for Rantonit the Great.

      January 20, 2012 at 8:53 pm

    • Ahahaha XD .

      Also, a little concernerd that I’ve got me a title so young.

      January 21, 2012 at 2:01 am


        January 21, 2012 at 2:03 am

        • Aaargh! The irony…..

          January 21, 2012 at 2:07 am

          • Now THAT was creepy!

            January 21, 2012 at 11:16 am

  8. So when do we get your leftovers .. you’ve done sifting thru all the lovers (and their letters), HE? That’s what I signed up for damnit ..

    January 20, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    • No one is good enough for the likes of you, Frederique. 🙂 You are too much woman for any man. Well….any man except a well built rugby player, that is.

      January 20, 2012 at 8:54 pm

      • Rugby players are wimps shhhh don’t tell anyone k 😉

        January 21, 2012 at 12:11 am

        • Your secret is safe with me and all 212 of my followers. 😉

          January 21, 2012 at 11:17 am

  9. I’m not guessing anymore as I usually get it wrong anyway…except for that ONE time. I am reading the book. Now I have to guess characters for…hmmm…

    January 20, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    • And you did think he was a girl, so there is that.

      January 20, 2012 at 8:55 pm

  10. Gotta be Rantonit.

    January 20, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    • Number two for Rantonit!

      January 20, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    • oh come on! I can’t believe you all think I’m that in-touch with my stalker side. :-/

      January 21, 2012 at 2:06 am

  11. Sting

    January 20, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    • Bite.

      I’m a Pissa.

      January 21, 2012 at 11:17 am

      • I heard you can even be a pissa standing up.

        January 21, 2012 at 2:33 pm

  12. I go with bestbathroombooks, since he is the only person I know around here…

    January 21, 2012 at 2:16 am

    • That is a good guess. His mind is in the toilet most of the time.

      January 21, 2012 at 11:18 am