The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

The Hellis 100 (11-20)

For my next installment of The Hellis 100 series I’ve decided to tackle a topic that is of tremendous importance to me. A topic so vital to the hearts and minds of Americans everywhere it deserves its own blog post. And that post is:


10. DAVID CROSBY – His mustache tips his perception scale from lardass to badass.

9. SHAFT – The mutton chops help, but that doesn’t make him any less of a–shut your mouth!

8. SALVIDOR DALI – Uh, I have no reason to include this other than the man had balls to pull this look off. And lots of melty clocks.

7. PRESIDENT THEODORE ROOSEVELT – Teddy did for mustaches what Lincoln did for beards.

6. FREDDIE MERCURY – He gave whole new meaning to the term Mustache = Masculinity.

5. PAUL TEUTUL – His mustache alone could kick a grown man’s ass.

4. GROUCHO MARX – It was between him and Hitler so….yeah.

3. BURT REYNOLDS – Can you even picture the Bandit without a mustache? I sure can’t.

2. MAGNUM P.I. – Who knew one mustache could completely reverse what Freddie Mercury set in motion?

1. And the number one greatest mustache of all time belongs to…SAM ELLIOTT. If God has a mustache, it will look like this:

33 responses

  1. I love number one, My little sister has a pack of stick on mustaches, if I stick one on can I be number one? ahaha.

    January 21, 2012 at 4:15 am


      January 21, 2012 at 11:40 am

  2. Salvidor reminds me of an animation I used to watch…the main lead had a boomerang as a mustache…

    January 21, 2012 at 4:38 am

    • That is both awesome as well as convenient, in a “hunting in the bush” situation.

      January 21, 2012 at 11:45 am

      • Let me get this right, you made a jump from, top 10 mustache to hunting in the bush .
        Is there nowhere your mind wont go?

        January 21, 2012 at 11:52 am

        • Hey HE, by the way I have a mustache AND a beard, how you doin?

          January 21, 2012 at 3:43 pm

          • At the moment, preferring the bush. Where IS Sparklebumps anyway?

            January 21, 2012 at 4:02 pm

            • And yet another thing we have in common.

              January 21, 2012 at 4:09 pm

              • I’m here, my babies…. I just had my mouth full, but nevermind about that..

                January 23, 2012 at 9:17 am

                • And for the record, there’s no bush going on here, so I’m not exactly sure why I was mentioned. 😉

                  January 23, 2012 at 9:22 am

  3. If you’ve never seen The Longest Yard (the original, not the remake), it has this great scene when Burt Reynolds gets to prison and they have to shave his mustache off. It’s like this whole ceremony.

    January 21, 2012 at 10:45 am

    • I haven’t seen the original, but now it is on my to see list. I may even do a post about it. I lived for a while in Jupiter, Florida where Burt Reynolds is from, and I will tell you the man is a God down there.

      January 21, 2012 at 11:46 am

      • Wow. My dad has lived in Stuart for 22 years. He took me over to see Burt and Loni’s house once.

        January 21, 2012 at 6:23 pm

      • The original is a lot of fun. It has a great, 70’s “The Man is corrupt” rebelliousness to it.

        January 21, 2012 at 9:51 pm

  4. Why is Rollie Fingers not on this list?!?!?!
    It’s Dali-esque, but not near as creepy.
    Looking forward to the next top 10 of your festivities.

    January 21, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    • I considered him, but I refuse to allow west coast sports teams or their athletes to grace my blog. I have my New Englander’s membership card to think about.

      January 21, 2012 at 12:14 pm

  5. Also, it’s a shame that women are so under-represented here.

    January 21, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    • You have no idea how close I came to adding Frida Khalo.

      January 21, 2012 at 12:12 pm

  6. Excellent list, but as a Mythbusters fan, it’d be remiss of me not to mention a certain James Franklin Hyneman. He rocks the cyborg walrus-look.

    January 21, 2012 at 3:40 pm

  7. If there were a God I’d like him to look like Sam Elliot. I once stood in a movie line about ten feet from him and Katherine Ross and believe me he was even more impressive off camera. If you haven’t seen “The Golden Compass” it is worth seeing for him alone. Plus, speaking of hunting in the bush, Kate Bush does the end title theme song.

    January 21, 2012 at 5:30 pm

  8. Salvador’s mustache is actually the hands of the melty clocks. Thanks for this. I’m not shaving for a week.

    January 21, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    • I am obsessed with finding out how he sleeps.

      January 23, 2012 at 10:10 am

      • I want a bag made of unicorn skin! That sounds most excellent. I just go into stores with big pockets. No bags, no hassle. Except for the part where I look like a weirdo. Oh, and now that google search yields four results, all of which are your blog. :){As an aside, I like your writing… do you think you could take a look at my blog and consider submitting something?}

        January 31, 2012 at 2:28 pm

        • BEST. SPAMBOT. EVER.

          February 3, 2012 at 9:11 pm

      • e6FECA rldwrttrygzy

        February 3, 2012 at 12:30 pm

        • Why hello, Spambot!

          February 3, 2012 at 12:33 pm

  9. I think I would have to go with Groucho Marx’s mustache. And, thanks for sending me on yet another internet search I wish I hadn’t embarked upon!

    January 22, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    • Glad I could help!

      January 23, 2012 at 10:09 am

  10. Sam Elliot…ahh…I think I love him….

    January 23, 2012 at 8:35 am

  11. Aright, I melted in my pants a little bit when I got to Magnum P.I., because I’ve been in love with him since I was 4. But then I got to Sam and it went something like this- “Oh! Oh god! mmm!” He is the oldest man I find sexy, I think.
    I kinda wonder what a mustache feels like during…hmm

    January 23, 2012 at 9:20 am

    • Sam Elliot is a GOD. That just sounded wrong.

      January 23, 2012 at 10:09 am

  12. By the way, I see you have failed to mention Ron Jeremy…

    January 23, 2012 at 10:05 am

    • I thought of mentioning him, but since I put him in my seventies post I was afraid that I’d overload the spambots with porn references.

      January 23, 2012 at 10:08 am