The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

My Secret Admirer – Eight

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did not have a winner so we’ll jump right to the love letter. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

 

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Dear the so called H.E.Ellis,

What the hell is your name really? I like the name that you have chosen, did you know it means ‘Noble one’ do you see yourself as that person? Or more like someone with a name that means ‘Sorrows’. I guess if I was ever to name someone with a talent like yours, you’re a decent writer; I might call her Gemma or Opal.

I am not going to bore you with all the shit about how I wanna re-decorate your lady cave or increase your stamina, which I could do by the way, I am instead going to say that one day I will stand outside your window and sing to you. I like fairy-tales and hope you do too.

I am not going to attach photos of my rather excellent equipment.

I guess most of this ‘Love Letter’ or as I want to call it ‘Creepy Email’ has been about what I do not wanna do, what I want to do is know you more, I mean, I guess we are the same in the fact that you only state who you are not. You’re not Jodi Picoult, you’re not a soccer mom and you’re not an Eric Clapton fan…

Who are you?

In any case you will be receiving a complementary DNA test kit so that I can find out once and for all who you are. Once you prove who you are I will be willing to fuck you.

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To whom it my concern,

I am returning your DNA kit as I am going to come straight out and tell you who I am. Honestly, I thought you would have guessed by now. I’ve mentioned in my blog that I am Italian and that most people think I’m a man. I’m heavy into music although I can’t sing, and own a 1968 Impala despite the fact that the 1967 model was more popular. Still can’t guess? Fine. I will tell you.

I am Frank Stallone.

NOW will you fuck me?

CLICK THE TROPHY ABOVE FOR THE WINNER AND THE HEART BELOW FOR THIS WEEK’S SECRET ADMIRER:

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20 responses

  1. oooh the Irony!! Verynormal indeed.

    January 22, 2012 at 1:33 am

  2. Yes I will 😉

    January 22, 2012 at 3:06 am

  3. I was banned from even guessing who wrote it 😛 wasn’t even allowed to comment just because I new it was her 😉

    January 22, 2012 at 4:08 am

    • Such a gentleman. 🙂

      January 22, 2012 at 10:22 am

      • No, not such a gentlemen, more like “I wound Megan up all day about commenting saying it was her”

        January 22, 2012 at 10:49 am

  4. Wow, never would have guessed that!
    Your blog and general writing are totally opposite from this!
    Well done, Megan. And stay away from that Stallone character or you’ll be doomed to a life of B-listishness.
    Hell, that guy hasn’t even been on celebrity rehab!

    January 22, 2012 at 10:22 am

    • I know what you mean! Frankie boy thinks he’s too good for Dr. Drew. Total snob.

      January 22, 2012 at 10:23 am

  5. Well well well, just when you think you cyberknow someone.

    January 22, 2012 at 10:27 am

    • Good one. 🙂

      January 22, 2012 at 11:10 am

  6. Great way to start the day. I just realized that I’m an 8 time loser at this game. I really need to find a new hobby.

    January 22, 2012 at 10:34 am

    • Try curling. Looks like a lot of fun.

      January 22, 2012 at 11:11 am

      • HR

        NO. Only thing I go on ice is drink my JD.

        January 22, 2012 at 3:01 pm

        • Or you when you get drunk and play hockey.

          January 22, 2012 at 4:11 pm

          • That only happened from ’96 to ’98, and 4 times ended up swimming. Now again the only thing I do on ice is drink my JD,

            January 22, 2012 at 4:56 pm

  7. Fooled again. At least I got the country right.

    January 22, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    • Yes, yes you did. 🙂

      January 22, 2012 at 4:11 pm

  8. Pats really? 49’rs all the way. Win lose or draw.

    January 22, 2012 at 7:55 pm

  9. I KNEW the whole time that you were Frank Stallone.

    January 22, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    • The jig is up!!

      January 22, 2012 at 8:50 pm