The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

The Hellis 100 (51-60)

For the next installment of  The Hellis 100 I’ve decided to tackle the topic of horror movie villains. Since no one loves a good horror flick more than I do (well, maybe Nick does), I’ve decided no Hellis list could be complete without my ten personal favorites. I give you:


Now I know there will be a great deal of debate here because like sex, what scares someone is just as subjective as what makes them feel good. The list below features what gets inside my head and pounds my fear button like a monkey on crack.

10. Asami Yamazaki – AUDITION

For those of you who have never seen this movie, DON’T. I’ve tried to watch it three times and have never been able to make it past the first thirty minutes. If you are truly a glutton for punishment go here first. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

9. Nosferatu – NOSFERATU

Even though I saw this movie as a kid, when people dress up like this particular incarnation of vampire today I am freaked the fuck out. Not bad for a movie made in 1922.

8. Fats – MAGIC

I have to admit that I have never seen this movie. I saw this commercial on television as a kid and it scared me so much that thirty-five years later I’m still freaked out enough to include it on this list.


Though never technically given a name in the SAW series, the puppet known as “Billy” scares the beejezus out of me. Thanks to him I can’t be within ten feet of a tricycle.

6. Pennywise – IT

I’d like to remind you all that the move “IT” was made for television and not a mainstream horror movie. None the less, simply mentioning the name “Pennywise” to anyone who’s seen it will bring about a shudder. That is a testimony to the acting ability of the great Tim Curry. I found the scariest moments weren’t the scenes where he had huge dripping fangs, but the ones where he is simply…menacing.

5. Frank Booth – BLUE VELVET

The least offensive thing about this character is his nearly New England level usage of the word “fuck.” This sociopath rapes, tortures, and mutilates all while huffing amyl nitrate and switching back and forth between two different personalities he refers to as “baby” and “daddy.” This movie should be watched with a Pollyanna chaser just to get the bad taste out of your head.

4. Max Cady – CAPE FEAR

Max Cady isn’t your ordinary everyday grudge stalker because this dude isn’t content to come for you, he’s coming for your daughter. My apologies to purists because as much as I loved Mitchum; DeNiro’s version of Max Cady was far more sadistic to me.

3. Alex Forrest – FATAL ATTRACTION

Cheating husbands and bunnies be warned; this deranged stalker will NOT be ignored.

2. Annie Wilkes – MISERY

A novelist with a kickass car meets his biggest fan. You do the math.

1. Buffalo Bill – SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

I know what you’re thinking and yes, Hannibal Lecter was the shit. But he’s not who scares me here. Above all others, the character that freaks me the fuck out most is Buffalo Bill. Because you think he’s normal. But make no mistake, Bill doesn’t want to rape you or torture you, he wants to BE YOU. It’s the ultimate insult to your humanity. There is nothing in the world that frightens me more than another person strutting around inside a Hellis skinsuit.

To this day the following song sends chills up my spine:

32 responses

  1. I wouldn’t know any of these because I am a full on wimp and the lets just say the similarity between me and River keeps me from watching SAW! 🙂

    January 28, 2012 at 8:11 am

    • What’s crazy is that I am easily scared and horrified but I continually sit through movies that terrify me. I guess I’m a masochist. Or Jeb. 😉

      January 28, 2012 at 8:30 am

      • Those film would also but me into a coma ahaha and I agree with number on Silence of the Lambs seriously shit me up.

        January 28, 2012 at 1:45 pm

  2. I’m easily scared, too, and will sit and watch scary movies. Most excellent list of villains and I totally agree with you on Buffalo Bill being a creepier, scarier villain than Hannibal Lecter.

    January 28, 2012 at 8:41 am

    • I knew you would agree with me! Thank God you and I are too little to make a reasonable skin suit for the average male.

      January 28, 2012 at 9:56 am

  3. I’ve seen Misery and it was eerie and funny at the same time. Cape Fear was freaky and Fatal Attraction was downright disturbing. As for the rest…I can’t stomach them. After watching Amityville and Silence of the Lambs, I’m done.

    January 28, 2012 at 8:42 am

    • Amityville was way creepy, I agree. For me IT was the hardest to watch because I am a Tim Curry fan and he forced me to keep my eyes on the screen.

      January 28, 2012 at 9:58 am

  4. Scariest dang movie I have ever seen had to be Blair Witch. Those twigs were creepy as hell.

    January 28, 2012 at 10:08 am

    • Twigs? Chicken.

      January 28, 2012 at 10:25 am

  5. Ooh or FALLEN. YEA that one.

    January 28, 2012 at 10:09 am

    • My God I hate you. 🙂

      January 28, 2012 at 10:26 am

      • That’s ok, I have “Time.” It seems to be on my side.

        January 28, 2012 at 10:33 am

  6. Ted Levine was so great in the film, and – you’re right – he always gets overlooked, unless you’re having a “Who can say ‘was she a great big fat person?’ best” contest.

    There were moments watching the TV show Monk when I just couldn’t see him as lovable because his voice would suddenly resonate as Buffalo Bill.

    January 28, 2012 at 10:25 am

    • I know exactly what you mean. I can’t imagine the Buffalo Bill character with any other voice.

      January 28, 2012 at 10:31 am

  7. Pennywise was so much scarier in the book. Buffalo Bill was great. Annie Wilkes was done so well it resurrected James Caan’s career. Bates gave that character life, and much scarier than the book.

    January 28, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    • I agree. It was the first time I thought a movie villain was more terrifying than the book version. I think because in the book I pictured her evil looking, but she looked sweet on the screen.

      January 28, 2012 at 1:30 pm

  8. Maybe if you get up in the van and pull while I push. Are you about a size 14?

    Put the lotion in the f***ing basket!

    January 28, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    • Uh…I literally shuddered!

      January 28, 2012 at 2:56 pm

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  9. Sheena

    While, IT was a corny movie and an okay book..Pennywise was scary and when jumped up to the front of the photograph in that one scene…well photoalbulms had me freaked out for a while. Good list, all of these are nightmare inducing

    January 28, 2012 at 9:37 pm

    • I totally remember that scene! *shudders*

      January 29, 2012 at 12:04 pm

  10. Buffalo Bill freaked me out! I still can’t believe he and the Monk captain are one and the same actor!
    I tell you who scared the heebie-jeebies out of me the most – the child catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I know that wasn’t a horror movie – but that made him even worse!

    January 28, 2012 at 9:59 pm

    • I remember walking through my mother’s living room as she watched that show and stopping dead at the sound of his voice, frozen in place like some tragic PTSD victim. She’d never seen the movie so she thought there was something completely wrong with me. Well, besides the obvious.

      January 29, 2012 at 12:06 pm

  11. It puts the list upon the web.

    January 28, 2012 at 11:29 pm

    • And dares you to look.

      January 29, 2012 at 12:07 pm

  12. I’ll be honest, I’m terrified of horror movies, but your post kinda brought me up to speed. Thanks! 🙂 Nice blog, btw!

    January 29, 2012 at 12:26 am

    • Thanks! Check out Nick’s blog also. Great movie reviews.

      January 29, 2012 at 12:07 pm

  13. Thanks to IT, I can’t ever go near a clown.

    January 29, 2012 at 1:52 am

    • Clowns should be outlawed. There just wrong. So very wrong.

      January 29, 2012 at 12:08 pm

  14. Why isn’t Asami Yamazakii number 1? I DEMAND A RECOUNT

    January 29, 2012 at 10:30 am

    • I seriously considered listing AUDITION as number one, but I CANNOT put into words just how truly terrified I am with ending up as someone’s skin suit. That, and being buried alive. I think I put way too much thought into these things.

      January 29, 2012 at 12:09 pm

  15. Good post. I still think there’s something amazingly creepy about Mullholland Drive. I don’t see many of the horror movies because someone in the house won’t watch them.

    January 29, 2012 at 8:05 pm