The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Shawarma SPaM

This week’s SPaM features a blogger who brings new meaning to the phrase, “It’s a small world.” He describes himself as, “a 19 year old Civil Engineering student at …..a random college in THE most crowded subcontinent on the planet. I grew up in the Middle East around shawarma and KFC with massive portions. Naturally I have a thing for food.”

In addition to his appetite for food this Indian boy wonder is a prolific blogger, reader and ranter. Just don’t ask him for a ride. Welcome to SPaM our very own…RANTONIT.


**** 1.What is an Indian Mechanism?

Contrary to popular belief, Indians are not inherently nuts. (Completely irrevocably nuts). No, they arrive at that end result as a result of being tagged Indian. I mean, that and reading self help books which tell you to be different.

Let me explain. Every day the whole country gets up and asks this question: How on earth do you distinguish yourself between 1.2 billion people? Quite hard you’d assume.

So with everyone trying to be different and everyone having quite the same DNA (I swear India got started with two people with the libidos of rabbits (which clearly has been passed down the ages = 1.2 billion)) results in, wouldn’t you believe it, exactly the same twat-like behavior.

Thus what you call Indian Mechanisms, mostly literally, how we operate.

**** 2.What inspired you to pursue an education in Civil Engineering?

How I got around to civil engineering eh? Well, it started in 3rd grade when I wanted, more than anything in the world to be a pilot. That then changed to being an aeronautical engineer (oh yeah), then I wanted to become a computer science engineer (see a pattern?) and hence in 11th grade I took comp sci. in school which involved C++ and in no time I decided I wanted to be an Architect which, now that I think about it, is where I should have stopped. Then I wanted to do mech. Engineering and finally got civil. So there, the lifecycle till 19, of an average Indian.

**** 3. What inspired your latest hair, er…lack of hair style?

Dandruff problem was the official line because it was brilliant. Really, Indians all over are happy if they’ve judged you just a little each day, even if it was over you having had dandruff (an apparent failing on your part). That and a Dandruff problem’ was a two word answer I could shout out to passing people who asked me the question, or even to those open palms lifted in the same question. Really, that happened a lot.

However, I had an actual reason; the hair meant a lot and cutting it, even more so. It is something I’d make a post of, but in plain simple words, I shaved my head everyday because, hey, I looked so damn good that way ……and it was there to remind me that I frankly don’t give a rats ass about people judging me. ALSO to remind me to stay in the present, firmly. Not to get happy about things that might or might not happen in the future because that’s a lesson that seems to rush me by how many ever times I have it stapled onto my forehead. So there’s an honest answer.

**** 4. Tell us about the notorious drivers in India.

Well, let’s put it this way, I wasn’t born with un-descended testicles and seeing as I haven’t been driving in India for a month or so now, I’m expecting them down any day now.

**** 5. What is the biggest misconception people have about India?

I wouldn’t know, see. I grew up in the Middle East, in Muscat. Been there since age 6 and all of a sudden, in March of 2010, I find myself in India. How do you think I liked that? Blew my mind completely. Honestly, I’m not the Indian to be asking this question, growing up in the Middle East and being Indian, I had a very mixed up bunch of views on India. Bollywood movies weren’t the most reliable yardsticks either as I have painfully learned. But one thing I can tell you, if you’re here for anything other than a holiday and maybe even in that case, it is not a mystical nice place with friendly wisdom-ous people. It will almost kill you and as the Joker said, “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”

**** 6. Many of your blog posts focus on your love of food. What is your favorite traditional Indian dish and your favorite international dish?

Erm, favorite food? U mad bro? Do you not remember, in every post, how I stress my consumption of everything consumable and some not? I’m the man who invented the post dessert snack. I do love all Indian food, really I do and all other food for that matter. The unhealthier the better.

**** 7. What are your favorite book, movie and song?

My favorite book of ALL time would have to be ‘The Fountainhead’ by Ayn Rand and she is my favorite author. I won’t ruin it by talking about it and another book of hers, Atlas Shrugged shows a lot of promise as well, 1/4th the way through it atm.

My favorite song would have to be Let it be by John Lennon, and Bitter Sweet Symphony by The Verve aaaand Save Tonight by Eagle Eye Cherry aaand Elbow’s Grounds for Divorce instrumental ….but no, I actually love a lot of music; I absolutely love alt rock, Bach, country and mostly everything in between. Play rap, hip hop and any of that rubbish and I swear, Imma stuff bacon in your ears till you overheat your tiny little brain explodes. Absolutely love the Matrix trilogy, Inception, and a lot of sappy movies as well like…. No, I won’t live that one down.

**** 8. Where do you see yourself in five years?

I will have, by then eaten 1/5th of the world’s beef, up from 1/8th by the end of this year. My growth follows an elliptical curve.



For more Indian Mechanisms follow RANTONIT

Next week’s SPaM features novelist Skinnywhitewoman

For your own SPaM contact me at


22 responses

  1. Thanks, H.E.
    I knew rantonit was crazy, and now he’s confirmed it. I like all his choices–in music and in lit. His answers crack me up!
    I loved Fountainhead too, but once I delved deeper into Rand’s history and philosophy, I began to understand she’s dogmatic and “egoism”, while the driving force of all living beings, doesn’t make for the Utopian society she suggests it would. But Iove Howard!.
    Blah blah blah.
    Thanks for the revealing interview. Can’t wait to do one on you..

    January 30, 2012 at 1:31 am

    • Erm, Thank you for that. :p
      As for Ayn Rand, I kinda get what you’re saying but I’m still wrapping my head around all she’s trying to say. What I love is that it’s highly lovable, because we’ve all felt a lot of what she talk about at some point, before we had it kicked out of us by the practical.

      January 30, 2012 at 2:30 am

    • Sounds good to me. 🙂

      January 30, 2012 at 4:40 am

  2. Ohhh!!! (^.^) BEST.TITLE.EVAR!!! haha. Damn nice….. Also, seeing as I’m probably like twice your size *cough*. I’m not a boy!! :-/ ( dammit, no way to say that right is there? )

    January 30, 2012 at 2:37 am

    • When you live in this part of America, you refer to your male friend as your “boy,” even if you are as old as me! 🙂

      January 30, 2012 at 4:39 am

      • ohh. Alright then …… So, er, the ‘man’ tag takes more facial hair eh?

        January 30, 2012 at 5:12 am

        • You say “man” when you get caught doing something like, “Aw man, was that your beer? Sorry.”

          January 30, 2012 at 5:18 am

          • perfectly understood 😀

            January 30, 2012 at 5:31 am

  3. This guy is cool beans!

    January 30, 2012 at 3:28 am

  4. First I saw his post describing childhood, and now even deeper insight into the man beneath the scalpfrom you, HE,
    I think in his case, “Completely irrevocably nuts” is a high compliment!

    January 30, 2012 at 11:58 am

    • Anonymous

      “DING” *Little light goes on!*
      Thanx Guapo. I suddenly understand why I hang around this group of computer weirdos.
      A co-worker once described my son as, “eccentric”. He said, “Thank you!”
      Just inside our front door, on the wall, we have a 3″ X 5″ framed poster which says;

      “Remember, as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family.”

      Neighbor lady commented on it one day she stopped over.

      January 30, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    • That it is!

      January 30, 2012 at 7:53 pm

  5. did someone say ‘BACON’?

    January 30, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    • Mmmm…..bacon. Did you know that the best way NOT to cook bacon is to take a frozen block of it and stick it on a cookie sheet with the intention of cutting the block in half and then spreading out the strips after it thaws (at 500 degrees), only to walk away and forget that it is in the oven and then let it burn to a black, evil mass?

      Yeah, don’t do this.

      January 30, 2012 at 7:57 pm

      • You Killed Bacon!!!!!!!!! Bacon is my friend! Why do you hate America?

        January 30, 2012 at 9:05 pm

        • I am so ashamed…

          January 31, 2012 at 4:49 am

  6. So, did you shave everywhere, or just your head? I mean, I can’t be the only one thinking this. Do a little manscaping?

    January 30, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    • I’m suddenly find myself hard of hearing.

      January 31, 2012 at 10:17 am

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