The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

It’s Groundhog Day!

In keeping with the month-old tradition of holiday icon interviews I am pleased to bring you a sit down with the original weatherman himself…The Groundhog.

Good morning…uh, what should I call you? Groundhog seems so formal.

*snicker* “I’ve been called a hog before, but only when I’m slow on the pass, heh. My World of Warcraft toon (character name) is ‘PudgyBits.’”

Alright…Pudgy Bits. I see you have internet access in your, uh…hole?

“The ladies call it my “Love Shack” but I call it home. Yeah, it’s a sweet set-up I’ve got here. Totally juiced. Lots of space, fridge full of Hot Pockets. Everything paid for by the Man.”

What is it the β€œMan” pays you to do, exactly?

“Exactly? Exactly once a year I climb out my hole, look around, do a little dance for the paparazzi, take a photo op with a Kardashian, you know the drill. It’s a good gig.”

So tell me, how does one become an official Groundhog?

“All groundhogs became official groundhogs once we won the contract from the Honey Badger Union because they, well, you know…just didn’t care. They’re crazy if you ask me. Lots of fringe benefits to this gig. I’m not afraid to say I’ve made a bit of cash on the side for selling…uh, local herbs.”

You aren’t suggesting….

“Suggesting what? That the government won’t let a groundhog earn a decent wage? It’s a conspiracy, man! What else am I supposed to do to supplement my income? Wear a tie like some corporate lemming? God put herbs here on earth for me. The Man can’t outlaw nature.”

Speaking of laws; are the rumors true that you allegedly received monies from a Mississippi Senator to drive up tourism from the north by falsely claiming six more weeks of winter?

“Wait…Sena-what? Is that who that dude was? Geez man, I don’t know. The dude was talking all weird and shit, like Deputy Dawg. Heh heh. You ever see that show? Funny as hell. One time me and my buddy Irish got totally baked and watched…wait, what were we talking about?”

Accusations of taking a bribe to throw Groundhog Day.

“Oh riiiight...yeah, I don’t remember much about that day. There was some kind of fungus growing on the grass that messed me up good. Saw my shadow everywhere…”

Alright, what does a groundhog do for the remaining 364 days of the year?

“You’re lookin’ at it man…uh, lady. I chill in my “lair” and get my WoW on. I just got my level 72 Death knight’s frost spec up to 32 so I can use howling blast and pown PVP kids. That way I can raise my conquest points and buy my 347 B.O.A. gear. Whoa, did I just say that?”

Ok…I can’t believe I’m going to ask this but…is there a “lady” groundhog in your life?

“Oh no. I’m not making that mistake again. Last female I met online tried to eat me. Literally. I’m working on a restraining order as we speak, so yeah, look around. I’m staying right here.”

*in bursts female honey badger, irate and charging* “OH HEEEELLL NAH-O! WHO IS THIS BITCH??”

*Groundhog jumps back, waving paws wildly* “WAIT! SHE’S NOT–”

*Honey badger shoves him aside and then turns toward me* “Oh I know she’s not. Skinny little female needs to step away from my man. That’s MY hog, BITCH!” *spins back around to groundhog* “And where the hell is my money?? You best get to rollin’ some clover before I eat your ass. I’ll roll ya and smoke ya myself. I’m a Honey Badger, fool. I don’t give a shit.”

*while she is distracted I scramble out of the hole.*

Return on Valentine’s Day for an exclusive interview with…CUPID.

23 responses

  1. (0.o)

    February 2, 2012 at 3:34 am

    • πŸ˜›

      February 2, 2012 at 11:04 am

      • seriously, I’ve no idea what groundhog day is.

        February 2, 2012 at 12:34 pm

  2. Thats right I just don’t give a shit.
    You can have this gig we got tee-shirts and cobra.

    February 2, 2012 at 5:29 am

    • Gah!!! I’ll roll faster!

      February 2, 2012 at 11:05 am

  3. I had a feeling there was more to a groundhog than weather and Andie MacDowell. Love the interview!

    February 2, 2012 at 6:53 am

    • He is an enigma.

      February 2, 2012 at 11:05 am

  4. Hahahahaha…great interviewing skills.. That honey badger is one bad-ass…she don’t give a shit!

    February 2, 2012 at 7:21 am

    • Damn straight!

      February 2, 2012 at 11:06 am

  5. I can’t beleive he didn’t mention Bill Murray.

    God, I am way too immersed in pop culture.

    February 2, 2012 at 7:28 am

    • I’m with ya’. Love that movie!

      February 2, 2012 at 11:06 am

  6. Excellent interview. Have you given any thought to turning these celebrity interviews into a book? By the end of the year, you’ll have enough to do that. I’m looking forward to reading your interviews with Cupid, The St. Patty’s leprechaun, the Easter Bunny, and Uncle Sam.

    February 2, 2012 at 7:51 am

    • You may be surprised what you find at the end of the year…. πŸ™‚

      February 2, 2012 at 11:07 am

  7. Wow. And to think I used to have respect for that little rodent. Think of the kids!

    February 2, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    • And who knew clover could be so…potent?

      February 2, 2012 at 4:32 pm

  8. I keep telling him not to eat that fungus. He’s gonna get disqualified. I see Celebrity Rehab in his future.

    February 2, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    • I’d freaking loooove to see that! Can you imagine him there, all wrapped in a blanket and chain smoking between Lindsay Lohan and a random Baldwin? That’s Neilson gold, baby.

      February 2, 2012 at 4:34 pm

  9. Good job today you little shit. That’s right, I’m the one behind the 6 more mutha friggin weeks of winter. Now get your ass down that hole and make me my money. You too, Ellis.

    February 2, 2012 at 7:41 pm

  10. Old Man Winter: This gopher… he was a nice boy. Yeah. that other creature, she had a lot of hair for a female. I am unsure of the follicle to gender ratio in that species, but… it was nerve wracking. Well, I’ve got to take a ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ….

    February 2, 2012 at 11:41 pm

    • What the hell did I just read?

      February 3, 2012 at 5:57 am

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