The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Love Letters Gone Wrong – Eleven

It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to

This week’s love letter was written by a featured SPaM blogger. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.




To my one true love H.E. Ellis,

I really had to write this letter to you and express my feelings.  First off I wanted to say, I have a HUGE crush on you.  Yes, I know.  You read my blog and know by now that I tend to seduce different women from time to time, and might feel that you’re just going to be my next conquest, but I Promise you are the only woman I have told that I have a Huge Crush on all day!  As you also know, I’m all about following my dreams, so once I realized how amazing a woman you really are I couldn’t hesitate any longer.  Something about the comment you left me about Rocking my Blogroll sparked something inside me that I tried to resist and ignore at first, but things happened.  I couldn’t resist my growing feelings any longer.

Now I don’t want to be a jerk and stroke your ego, and I certainly don’t want you to think of me as anal, so I’ll tell you what happened that made me come all over the idea that you were truly the ideal woman for me.  I know this may not make sense when you first read it but if you really think long and hard about this, you can grab hold of the hugeness of the meaning and allow it to slip deep inside your mind and penetrate deeply into your thoughts. I’m sure once you’re done reading this, you’ll come over and over and over and over again to the conclusion that, despite my seductive nature, I’m just a regular guy with a big, giant heart on my sleeve, and that we could find true happiness penetrating deep into our lives.  The kind of happiness you can really feel and see growing stronger, if we really could come together in that special way, that only true lovers feel.

Let me explain:

I was having a discussion with my friend’s wife, Kat, the other day.  Rod is her husband, and a good buddy of mine, who own’s a little butcher shop on the south side of Chicago called Rod’s Meats.  Well, Kat was explaining to me how boring her job as manager of Rod’s Meats had been getting.  It had become really routine.  All she would do was write the checks, process the orders, do a bunch of paperwork and scheduling.  She was also in charge of taking in the meat deliveries when they arrived.  Like I said, she told me that her job had become really mundane, until recently, when something amazingly unexpected took place.

Kat told me that a few days ago, they had a much larger than average sausage order get delivered to the store.  Usually they can take the meat right in the front door, but this sausage order was way too large. She decided, instead of just trying to jam it all in the front door, that they would try something different.  So, Kat decided she wanted to try taking the meat in the back door, and boy was she satisfied that she did!

She said at first it was a little rough, but after a couple of minutes she said she found herself relaxing, and soon the sausage started to slide in a lot smoother.  Kat said it felt so amazing and different, taking all that meat in the back door, so much so that she said it brought tears to her eyes a little.  All that meat just come flooding through the back door and before you know it they dropped an entire load all over the backside of her shop!  Kat told me she loved it so much, she couldn’t wait till the next time she could have someone deliver a really huge sausage order to her backdoor!

And for some strange reason, that got me thinking about you!  Call me silly, but it’s like her story awoke something in me and it was then I realized my love for you.  I think if you can bend things over in your mind, you might realize how truly real and special this love is.  It’s that special kind of love that can really sneak up on you, almost like it’s coming from behind you, where you can create an opening for all of this specialness and allow it to penetrate deep inside your soul.

But we can be even more than just lovers.  You have your book and the growing success of your blog to think about and that’s where I can really help you beyond just some random, “back door” passion that most guys will want to offer you.  H.E. Ellis, my true love, you are not like other women.  You’ve got something….  Something special, and I want it badly.  I want to be the man behind the woman!  I realize I’m coming all over you here, but it’s been building up inside me for weeks, and I can’t control myself.  Let me show you what you’ve got inside of you, what could be inside of you if you’d just give me the tiniest hole of opportunity.  Let’s go away together on our own little fantasy vacation.  Just give me the word and I’ll book a flight out from Chicago to come see you.  We can go back to your place right now and pack your shit!

Please don’t analyze this too much even if this does seem to be coming from behind. Let’s just take this whole thing all in, naturally.  I knows it’s a lot to grab hold of, maybe even hard to swallow, but if you can really strip away, and close off to all the things in life holding you back, you might find what we have is a rare and special kind of love, so innocent and pure, that can explode like an erupting volcano if we spread things open to allow it to grow.

Yours truly,
Loverboy Royale (Name changed to protect the innocent)

23 responses

  1. I’m going with the dude named Hotspur.

    February 10, 2012 at 5:18 am

    • Vote one for Hotspur.

      February 10, 2012 at 1:13 pm

  2. HOLYMOTHEROF!!!#&^!*%! …… This guy (0.0) I want an autograph.
    ……dayum, by the second para I was sure he’d reached all the limits of subtlety but oh no.
    Best.letter.ever. Take a bow you frikkin’ genius.

    February 10, 2012 at 5:37 am

    • My secret admirer has a fan in Rantonit!

      February 10, 2012 at 1:13 pm

  3. Holy shit! That’s quite the letter! I’m with HR on this one and vote for Hotspur…

    February 10, 2012 at 7:01 am

    • That’s the second vote for Hotspur!

      February 10, 2012 at 1:14 pm

  4. This one is hard, but by sheer length alone I’m guessing his Hotspurness. Apparently, I’m not alone.

    February 10, 2012 at 8:24 am

    • haha 😀 yeah, that was my first guess too.

      February 10, 2012 at 9:01 am

    • John votes Hotspur!

      February 10, 2012 at 1:14 pm

  5. Joining the chorus of Hotspur(t) voters.
    And as far as the last line, pretty sure no is innocent in this…

    Oh, and if it ain’t Hotspur, then I vote Dayton.

    February 10, 2012 at 11:31 am

    • Hotspur or Dayton; El Guapo swings both ways.

      February 10, 2012 at 1:15 pm

  6. I’m a guy who’d just as soon stay as empty in the end as I am in my head, but this letter filled me deeply with laughter from the top to the bottom. I don’t care who writes ’em, just keep ’em coming and coming and coming.

    February 10, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    • I’m picking up what you’re putting down. 🙂

      February 10, 2012 at 1:16 pm

  7. savorthefolly

    Clearly it is Ronnie Libra.

    February 10, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    • Yay! Savor’s back! And she votes for Ronnie Libra!

      February 11, 2012 at 8:50 am

  8. I’m not going to guess – I’m just really fucking happy to see Savor back in the blogosphere. We missed you!

    February 10, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    • savorthefolly

      Aw shucks… *blushing*. You da man Hotspur, you da man.

      February 11, 2012 at 8:47 am

      • You’ve been gone for a million years, and I’m sure I speak for a lot of people, but I know I speak for me, when I say we (I) missed you.

        February 11, 2012 at 9:37 am

  9. Hotspo fo sho.
    Although I don’t know how he found the time or the puns to write this. He often takes days and days to spit out even a sentence, so he must be on some really strong nitrates and nitrites, that big weiner.

    February 10, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    • Seems to me that Mr. Hotspur is the belle of the ball today. 🙂

      February 11, 2012 at 8:51 am

  10. People, I gotta tell you, I had nothing to do with this one. Nothing at all. Like most of Hellis’ ideas, I go along with it first, and then literally everyone after me does it better. These letters, the SPaM articles, and probably other stuff I can’t remember. But I’ll tell you who I think did write this one: Me.

    In other news, the walrus is Paul. And if you’re a little younger, the seether’s Louise.

    February 11, 2012 at 9:44 am

    • Gotta find a balance, though. Be my little baby. Baby my darling. That’s who I think it is.

      February 11, 2012 at 9:46 am

    • You’ve really helped me unndtsraed the issues. Thanks.

      April 24, 2014 at 11:53 pm