The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

My Secret Admirer – Eleven

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Find out who that winner is by clicking on the trophy to your right.

Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to


To my one true love H.E. Ellis,

I really had to write this letter to you and express my feelings.  First off I wanted to say, I have a HUGE crush on you.  Yes, I know.  You read my blog and know by now that I tend to seduce different women from time to time, and might feel that you’re just going to be my next conquest, but I Promise you are the only woman I have told that I have a Huge Crush on all day!  As you also know, I’m all about following my dreams, so once I realized how amazing a woman you really are I couldn’t hesitate any longer.  Something about the comment you left me about Rocking my Blogroll sparked something inside me that I tried to resist and ignore at first, but things happened.  I couldn’t resist my growing feelings any longer.

Now I don’t want to be a jerk and stroke your ego, and I certainly don’t want you to think of me as anal, so I’ll tell you what happened that made me come all over the idea that you were truly the ideal woman for me.  I know this may not make sense when you first read it but if you really think long and hard about this, you can grab hold of the hugeness of the meaning and allow it to slip deep inside your mind and penetrate deeply into your thoughts. I’m sure once you’re done reading this, you’ll come over and over and over and over again to the conclusion that, despite my seductive nature, I’m just a regular guy with a big, giant heart on my sleeve, and that we could find true happiness penetrating deep into our lives.  The kind of happiness you can really feel and see growing stronger, if we really could come together in that special way, that only true lovers feel.

Let me explain:

I was having a discussion with my friend’s wife, Kat, the other day.  Rod is her husband, and a good buddy of mine, who own’s a little butcher shop on the south side of Chicago called Rod’s Meats.  Well, Kat was explaining to me how boring her job as manager of Rod’s Meats had been getting.  It had become really routine.  All she would do was write the checks, process the orders, do a bunch of paperwork and scheduling.  She was also in charge of taking in the meat deliveries when they arrived.  Like I said, she told me that her job had become really mundane, until recently, when something amazingly unexpected took place.

Kat told me that a few days ago, they had a much larger than average sausage order get delivered to the store.  Usually they can take the meat right in the front door, but this sausage order was way too large. She decided, instead of just trying to jam it all in the front door, that they would try something different.  So, Kat decided she wanted to try taking the meat in the back door, and boy was she satisfied that she did!

She said at first it was a little rough, but after a couple of minutes she said she found herself relaxing, and soon the sausage started to slide in a lot smoother.  Kat said it felt so amazing and different, taking all that meat in the back door, so much so that she said it brought tears to her eyes a little.  All that meat just come flooding through the back door and before you know it they dropped an entire load all over the backside of her shop!  Kat told me she loved it so much, she couldn’t wait till the next time she could have someone deliver a really huge sausage order to her backdoor!

And for some strange reason, that got me thinking about you!  Call me silly, but it’s like her story awoke something in me and it was then I realized my love for you.  I think if you can bend things over in your mind, you might realize how truly real and special this love is.  It’s that special kind of love that can really sneak up on you, almost like it’s coming from behind you, where you can create an opening for all of this specialness and allow it to penetrate deep inside your soul.

But we can be even more than just lovers.  You have your book and the growing success of your blog to think about and that’s where I can really help you beyond just some random, “back door” passion that most guys will want to offer you.  H.E. Ellis, my true love, you are not like other women.  You’ve got something….  Something special, and I want it badly.  I want to be the man behind the woman!  I realize I’m coming all over you here, but it’s been building up inside me for weeks, and I can’t control myself.  Let me show you what you’ve got inside of you, what could be inside of you if you’d just give me the tiniest hole of opportunity.  Let’s go away together on our own little fantasy vacation.  Just give me the word and I’ll book a flight out from Chicago to come see you.  We can go back to your place right now and pack your shit!

Please don’t analyze this too much even if this does seem to be coming from behind. Let’s just take this whole thing all in, naturally.  I knows it’s a lot to grab hold of, maybe even hard to swallow, but if you can really strip away, and close off to all the things in life holding you back, you might find what we have is a rare and special kind of love, so innocent and pure, that can explode like an erupting volcano if we spread things open to allow it to grow.

Yours truly,
Loverboy Royale (Name changed to protect the innocent)


Dear Loverboy Royale,

I want you to know that your words have touched me deeply. I’ve come to see that all these years I spent as a vegetatrian have been a total waste of time. You’ve made me realize there is a whole world out there beyond cucumbers and zucchini. I suppose it would also explain why I am protein deficient.

Yes, please hurry in from Chicago. I can’t wait for you to toss my salad!







13 responses

  1. (0.o) sonova mad gun. It’s not EhH? . This…. Ronnie Libra, I’m speechless.

    February 12, 2012 at 1:32 am

    • Love the link! And yes, Ronnie Libra has many…talents.

      February 12, 2012 at 6:32 am

  2. Crap! Foiled again! Talented Ronnie Libra….hmmmm…..

    February 12, 2012 at 6:46 am

    • Quite a Renaissance man, isn’t he?

      February 12, 2012 at 10:19 pm

  3. Wow, I actually guessed it right this time. Balanced = Libra. Be my little baby, baby my darling = Ronnie Spector, or Ronnie. Hooray for misleading nearly everyone!

    February 12, 2012 at 8:59 am

    • Let’s hope this Ronnie has better hair.

      February 12, 2012 at 10:20 pm

  4. savorthefolly

    I came over and over and over and over and over again to the conclusion that it MUST be Ronnie Libra.

    February 12, 2012 at 9:23 am

    • Ahhh….yes. Savor the Folly, blogworld’s own double entendre queen.

      February 12, 2012 at 10:21 pm

      • savorthefolly

        and meanwhile I’ve been admiring your easy use of the term “tossed salad.”

        February 12, 2012 at 10:59 pm

  5. I need the address of Rod’s Meats.

    February 12, 2012 at 9:39 am

    • You and me both, sista. 🙂

      February 12, 2012 at 10:22 pm

  6. Ah. This work of art was posted 😉 . . . How come I didn’t know. . . ?

    February 12, 2012 at 11:10 am

    • I posted a note on the front door, but you were at the back…door…. 😉

      February 12, 2012 at 10:22 pm