The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Set-Up SPaM

This week’s featured SPaM blogger needs our help, people. Despite the fact that this woman is bright, witty, charming and amazing, she consistently attracts weirdos to date. First there was the IT guy with the man boobs, followed by Mr. “hung like a baby carrot,” the dude with the job complex and the magician with the disappearing act.

I mean, how could you not love a woman who describes herself and her blog like this: “I don’t want to give too much of myself away because some of the things I post are pretty raw (i.e: messed up! LOL) and I am not sure I’m ready for my workmates or friends to know some of this stuff. Funny how it’s OK to let total strangers know tho? Hmm.. Oh well ..)”

In the interest of match-making I’ve decided to include a few questions I found on an online dating site. Help me as I hook-up…LIFEINTHEFARCELANE

**** 1. Do you believe in love at first sight?

I believe in attraction or appeal at first sight but not love. In my experience love takes time..

And alcohol.
And maybe money.
A mansion and a limo doesn’t hurt either.

**** 2. Do you believe a cup is half empty or half full?

You’ve seen my dating disaster posts right?
Go figure the glass is half empty..

But in all seriousness, I’m a fairly positive person without being too polly-anna-ish. I think basically I’m too lazy to be depressed and negative all the time, cos I am sure it takes a bit of effort.

**** 3. If you could travel back through time, what single mistake would you correct in life?

So I’ve given this one a bit of thought. There are a few things I’ve done that now I look back and go “dear lord woman, what were you thinking?” When clearly the only accurate answer is “I wasn’t.”

But – without wishing to sound overly corny – I’d have to say I would change none.

The way I see it, each mistake / experience adds up to the sum of me. (So who knows how much more messed up I might seem, if we changed just one thing!?)

Besides, I’ve kinda grown used to me over the years – now I just have to find some hapless soul who can also handle it 😉

**** 4. Is sexual compatibility important to you?

It’s like air. You know how good it is, but perhaps don’t quite appreciate it – til it’s not readily available to you. I guess that’s a yes 😉

From my experience, satisfying sex is one of the key elements to a successful long term relationship.

**** 5. Which was the first crush you ever had?

Er, does that girlish fantasy (ok fantasies, plural .. my bad) about George Michael count .. ?

Look how well that turned out for us both .. !

**** 6. Are you a morning person or a night person?

I can be either but my fave time of day is morning. I like to get out of bed around 4am, make myself very strong coffee and wake up slowly before the world intrudes. There’s something quite soothing about watching the city wake up in front of you. So long as there is coffee on hand, that is!

**** 7. What adjective would a close friend use to describe you?

Ok so in the interests of being thorough, I texted my 2 best friends and asked them.
Clearly, I need new (nicer) friends ..

Any takers?

One said “Funny”. The other said “Crazy”.
Like I said, new friends needed .. $#@!

**** 8. If you have friends coming over, what would you cook?

Oh now we’re talking. I love to cook!

Starter: Crusty sour dough bread, charred slightly then rubbed with garlic, topped with seasoned diced tomatoes, scattered with basil leaves and a drizzle (read: slosh!) of extra virgin olive oil.

Main: Beef Wellington. Served with roasted vegetables (potatoes, kumara, squash, baby beetroot, baby carrots, parsnips, red onions) all served drizzled with a gorgeously rich red wine / brown onion gravy.  Fussy buggers (aka vegetarians) could have the veges cos I’d do them in oil and I’d make a nut loaf.

Dessert: Simplicity itself – Pavlova with whipped cream and kiwifruit on top.

Afters:  Fresh espresso & small shot glasses filled with Drambuie.

**** 9. Describe your perfect holiday.

This is a hard one!

I was going to say “there’s no such thing as a bad holiday” but then I recalled a two week stay at the in-laws some 17 years ago.. *shivers*

If I needed a relaxing holiday, I’d grab a man and head to a child-free beach resort somewhere like the Dominican Republic. Lying in the sun beside the pool with cocktails being regularly served (between naps, shags and buffet meals) heavenly.

Touring holidays are great too tho. Fly into France or Northern Italy to then eat my way thru it, region by region, stopping wherever I want to, when I want to. You’d want to allow 2 months to do justice to this one!

**** 10. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Hmm another hard one.

I love where I live now but could also live in Italy, France, Canada or some parts of the USA happily.

**** 11. What is the one thing about yourself that you would like me to know?

I am pretty sure I have no secrets to anyone who’s read my blog but I’d want you to know if you changed all my answers above so they make me sound like a crazy lady then .. meh.. no need. I did that all by myself, right?

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

For more lessons on life and love follow LIFEINTHEFARCELANE

Next week is another Mystery SPaM!

For your own SPaM contact me at

5 responses

  1. France? No, just no. Do you like how I have got to her posts? that I did not even mention anything disturbing. probably because none of this surprises me ahaha.

    February 13, 2012 at 2:35 am

    • She’s amazing. We need to get together and show up at her house someday.

      February 14, 2012 at 4:27 am

  2. A lovely portrait of the woman behind the farce!
    As for the no kids resort, try a Club Med or other all inclusive. It’s cheaper.

    February 13, 2012 at 10:32 am

    • Wow…a resort or vacation without kids. I can’t even imagine it. 🙂

      February 14, 2012 at 4:28 am

  3. Pingback: Threesomes « lifeinthefarcelane