The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

My Secret Admirer – Twelve

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Find out who that winner is by clicking on the trophy to your right.

Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to


Dear “Has been known to take it from behind,”

It seems like forever since I read any of your posts, besides that first one I read so that I could post something in my comment that showed I actually took an interest in your work. It seems like there’s an entire internet between us and even though I’ve never seen your face I’m sure it’s tastefully… applied. I sometimes imagine you as the bits of worn scrap metal at glass beach just jagged enough to tear, waiting for some idiot to take his shoes off, that idiot was me. I hopped all the way back to my rental car. It sucked. Look, this only kind of relates to my undying and universe exploding slash shattering affection for your incredibly sexy literary prowess in bed, I mean in blog… blog form. Wait, you also wrote a book? What? Anyways, I think we should “hook up” because we could be awesome together and I have an immensely prodigious lexicon, if you know what I mean. I can also use reference sites like if you find that sort of thing hot, thermogenic even. I don’t know how much more convincing I have to be, I’m pretty sure I nailed it in the first three run on sentences.

So you’ll call me on Friday right? Rhetorical question. The answer is yes, you will. Not only because I’m such a fine candidate but also because I will write you unbelievably romantic love poems (I know you love that shit). This one’s for you baby. When I think of you it hurts only half as much as when you comment on my blog like your words are a hailstorm on my heart and the innuendo is an instant in a silent room and all I want to do is scream so that you might stifle me with a kiss but I know there’s nothing in this that won’t leave me listless and lonely and I know you don’t really know me, but I know me, but I don’t know me like that and it’s that doubt that’s done me in, kept me from calling you at all (I have your phone number, don’t freak out, you’re neighbor Jim gave it to me while I was outside your house, back to the totally bitching poem I’m writing off the top of my head). I’ve left it alone and it’s festering into gargoyle stone suspended from the edges of my shoulders watching intently and ever presently ready to rip my flesh out to remind me why I need this protection. Golem wings can sing goosebump hums across my skin but your hands could settle them if you ever got close enough. End poem.

Sincerely, I’m not telling you my name so you can get a restraining order.




Dear Anonymous,


Since I don’t know your name I have decided to call you…Rudolpho.

Rudolpho, I am overcome with emotion at the raw intensity of your poem. I too fester with love for you and I think of you most often when I am alone, like when I hide under the stairs in my basement and carve your name into my arm. Please don’t let the names of my past boyfriends worry you, I burned them off with a propane torch before cutting in yours.

Even though I’ve been in love before I know that this is the real thing, as I have never been moved to shave my armpits in anticipation of an epic round of monkey sex with anyone before. Along those lines I feel I should let you know that I was born in the seventies, so I hope you are into the “natural” look.

Based on what was discerned from the outline of the bulge in your Wranglers, my neighbor Jim is convinced that you are hung like a horse. I don’t have to tell you that he was absolutely elated when I offered to share you with him. He wishes to pass along his assurances that he will take good care of you as he rides you like a rented mule.

Bring lube.





25 responses

  1. ahhaha XD epic reply!

    February 19, 2012 at 8:50 am

    • Yeah, I break one out once in a while.

      February 19, 2012 at 9:08 am

      • Man, this guy’s blog is insane. Thanks for that as well! I’m absolutely loving it!

        February 19, 2012 at 9:19 am

        • Yup. Definitely making the blogroll.

          February 19, 2012 at 9:22 am

          • Appreciate the appreciation, thanks again H.E.! Love the response, I can work with Rudolpho, and I’m scared of Jim now.

            February 19, 2012 at 2:25 pm

            • No problem. And don’t let Jim scare you. He promised to be gentle. 😉

              February 19, 2012 at 2:31 pm

  2. I didn’t know they hang horses.

    And yes, you may hold your applause.

    February 19, 2012 at 9:03 am

    • Dude, this is like the fourth time you won one of these things. I’m totally taking you to Atlantic City.

      February 19, 2012 at 9:08 am

      • I’m there if you enjoy a big evening losing money!

        February 19, 2012 at 9:42 am

        • I don’t know much about odds, but according to my Love Letters Gone Wrong you’ve won thirty percent of the time. Anyone know anything about gambling?

          February 19, 2012 at 9:44 am

          • I know enough about odds to know the house always wins.

            30% eh? If only someone on the Mets could succeed 30% of the time I’d be a moderately happy camper.

            February 19, 2012 at 9:48 am

            • Not likely since Gary Carter passed away.

              R.I.P. “KID.”

              February 19, 2012 at 9:53 am

  3. Wow, the reply is as disturbing as the letter!
    Well done, and please, get help.
    Before it’s too lat-

    Never mind…

    February 19, 2012 at 9:58 am

    • Yeah, I’ve got my chowda up here in New Hampster.

      February 19, 2012 at 10:03 am

  4. And I see you’ve gone back to moderating comments. Hope all is well for you in blogs-ville…

    February 19, 2012 at 9:59 am

    • Actually I haven’t. WordPress is going all Fahrenheit 451 on me.

      February 19, 2012 at 10:02 am

  5. Reblogged this on The Man Who Fears War.

    February 19, 2012 at 2:34 pm

  6. Thanks for the mention–I thought it was him (easy to say now), but I didn’t want to not get my one vote. Great letter, great reply.

    February 19, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    • Thanks. I’ve got some great readers, too. 😉

      February 20, 2012 at 5:29 am

  7. festering love .. oh dear lord!!

    February 19, 2012 at 10:15 pm

    • I gagged at that part. 🙂

      February 20, 2012 at 5:29 am

  8. Lost again. What’s up with WordPress?

    February 19, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    • For some reason certain comments are selected for moderation, even though I don’t have that box checked on my dashboard. It’s totally random so I can’t even track why it happens.

      February 20, 2012 at 5:31 am

  9. WordPress is being a complete $#@! lately for others too?
    Phew, thought it was just me.

    February 19, 2012 at 11:13 pm

    • They also unfollowed me from quite a few blogs. I’ve had to go back and refollow people all week.

      February 20, 2012 at 5:32 am