The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Inaugural SPaM

In honor of Presidents’ Day I took a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota for an interview with Mount Rushmore Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln for a feature I’m calling “Inaugural SPaM.” While I hoped to get a glimpse into four of the greatest minds of history, what I actually got was…well, I’ll let you read for yourself.


WASHINGTON: “Well I’d have to say that the principles of–”

JEFFERSON: “Why do you always have to answer first? Maybe one of us wants to say something insightful for a change.”

LINCOLN: “Now, now Thomas. George was merely stating–”

JEFFERSON: “Stuff it, Beardy. No one cares what you think.”

ROOSEVELT: “Whoa, hold your horses there, Jeffy.”

JEFFERSON: “I told you not to call me Jeffy!”

ROOSEVELT: “Alright, alright now just settle down. Go on and let Washington here answer and then you can speak your mind, Jeff-uh…son.”

WASHINGTON: “No, no. I’d like to hear what he has to say. Please Thomas, continue. Enlighten us with your timely opinion.”

JEFFERSON: “Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you? I bet you’d just loooove for me to say something so you can take all the credit. You thought I didn’t hear what you said to Franklin in the library, did you? Need someone to draft the Declaration of Independence? Sure, give it to Jefferson. He’ll write anything. I’ve yet to see a royalty check on that by the way.”

WASHINGTON: “We’ve been over this. We thought you understood that it was for the greater good.”

JEFFERSON: “The greater good of what?”

LINCOLN: “The good of the country, Thomas.”

JEFFERSON: “Easy for you to say. You and Baldy here get your birthdays’ remembered. What do Teddy and I get? Bupkiss, that’s what.”


ROOSEVELT: “Now, now; he’s got a point, George.”

JEFFERSON: “Damn straight I’ve got a point. Look at that crowd of people down there. They’re here because it’s Presidents’ Day. PRES-I-DENTS’ DAY. MY birthday is in April. Where’s the greater good in that?”

LINCOLN: “When to celebrate Presidents’ Day was not a decision made by George or I. We can hardly be held accountable for-”

JEFFERSON: “Figures you’d side with Washington. I think you secretly love him.”

WASHINGTON: “Now you’re being ridiculous.”

JEFFERSON: “Oh yeah? Then why does he stare at you all the time?”

LINCOLN: “I don’t know what you’re taking about.”

WASHINGTON: “I think you’ve gone off topic, here.”

JEFFERSON: Here’s a topic for you, George old boy. Of the four of us which one participated in the framing of the Constitution? Huh? What’s that? Oh right, it was ME. I find it highly ironic that I helped draft laws affording freedoms to include celebrating holidays and yet no one recognizes my birthday.”

WASHINGTON: “What the hell’s your problem, Jefferson? You don’t hear Roosevelt complaining.”

ROOSEVELT: “Well now, like I said before, ole Jeff here’s got a point. I’d like to see all our days honored, quite frankly. I know I wouldn’t mind seeing a few female citizens admiring us from below in tank tops come April. Am I right, Abe?”

JEFFERSON: “What are you asking HIM for?”

LINCOLN: “What’s THAT supposed to mean?”

JEFFERSON: “Oh I think you know what that means.”

LINCOLN: “I’ll have you know that I was married for–”

JEFFERSON: “Doesn’t matter. I’ve seen your wife.”


JEFFERSON: “And can you say HAG?”


IN UNISON: “No comment.”

38 responses

  1. Love it! Since I have such limited knowledge of American history I am using these bickering presidents as my guide

    February 20, 2012 at 4:54 am

    • Oh God, what have I done!

      February 20, 2012 at 5:36 am

      • It’s all good! I just need to know about 4th July, Thanksgiving, and the Civil War now.

        February 20, 2012 at 6:43 am

        • Oh you will…. 🙂

          February 20, 2012 at 10:31 am

  2. God, that just saved me 4 pennies! I’d never have guessed, what they were actually thinking. 😀

    February 20, 2012 at 5:26 am

    • Disturbing, isn’t it?

      February 20, 2012 at 5:37 am

  3. This is a brilliant post but I can not get out my head the image of you stood shouting questions at Mount Rushmore ahaha.

    February 20, 2012 at 5:28 am

    • I’ve gotten a lot of practice shouting at four blockheads at home so yeah, it was easy.

      February 20, 2012 at 5:38 am

      • You nearly made me spit out my cola! ahaha. I am sure they are not that bad 🙂

        February 20, 2012 at 7:35 am

        • Yeah, ok.

          February 20, 2012 at 10:29 am

          • Not today then 😉 Wanna talk I have a week off ahaha.

            February 20, 2012 at 10:31 am

  4. Hmmm…American history is a blur to me, but I think this interview just broadened my scope of the inner workings of the political landscape that most politicians seek to emulate today…bickering, slander and if all else fails, insult the wife. Nicely done!

    February 20, 2012 at 6:52 am

    • American history is a blur to me too, which is why I re-invented it.

      February 20, 2012 at 10:30 am

  5. What a gassy, gossipy bunch. Are these the framers that are worshipped in America? Are these our saviours? GOOD GOD WE ARE LIVING A LIE!

    February 20, 2012 at 7:04 am

    • I know, I know! Run for the hills! Uh, on second thought….

      February 21, 2012 at 1:04 pm

  6. This tops your usual level of brilliance. In other words, I’m going to steal it.

    February 20, 2012 at 9:07 am

    • Steal away!

      February 20, 2012 at 10:30 am

  7. What a seriously great, imaginative idea! LOVE!

    February 20, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    • Thanks! Come back on March 17th, I may just have something a little “Irish” for you. 🙂

      February 20, 2012 at 5:54 pm

      • I hope it’s free Guinness and corned beef and cabbage! 😉

        February 21, 2012 at 10:27 am

        • OMG I am drooling already…

          February 21, 2012 at 1:04 pm

  8. I think you should have titled this “Four Rock Hard Men”. Wow, I miss the days when a guy could wear a wig without everyone getting all up in arms about it. And I’m thankful no one mentioned how the money with George on it has been stuffed in more g-strings than a flock of ukelelists.

    Or anything about a ‘big stick’.

    February 20, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    • Words were thrown around about cherry trees and wooden teeth, but I tried to keep it all respectable-like.

      February 20, 2012 at 5:58 pm

  9. I got $20 on Teddy in the coming brouha

    February 20, 2012 at 10:08 pm

    • I’ll take that bet. I think Lincoln’s got something under that hat.

      February 21, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    • Teddies cost way more than $20.

      February 21, 2012 at 7:10 pm

      • And you know this how? 🙂

        February 21, 2012 at 8:13 pm

  10. HRnightmare

    Not many people can put
    Rock hard men, wigs and g-sting together in one though
    But for you Mr. Hotspur it must be second nature.

    February 21, 2012 at 9:54 am

    • So I take it you finally got around to reading his Starship Innerthighs, huh?

      February 21, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    • Every strip club is filled with all three, HR!

      February 21, 2012 at 7:11 pm

      • Boom Roasted.

        February 21, 2012 at 8:13 pm

      • HRnightmare

        Sorry dude I don’t need to pay to see women nak..
        You know what Nevermind your probably right. You frequent them more then I Sooo.
        How about a cold keg and we’ll call it a day.

        February 21, 2012 at 9:08 pm

        • Good one. ‘You go to clubs more than me’. I’ll never recover.


          February 21, 2012 at 9:20 pm

  11. Awww…you’re friends. 🙂

    February 22, 2012 at 5:57 am

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