The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Special Edition SPaM!

*** H.E.Ellis Exclusive Breaking News Special Edition SPaM! ***

(You know it’s special because we’re breaking into our regularly scheduled post to bring you this story. What this means to you is that Things you can’t unsee or Why the 20’s were Ffffing awesome or whatever else it was I was going to post today will probably air at a later date. Hope it isn’t to much of a problem for you but if it is then…..sorry…..I guess. I mean, I really don’t know what else to say. You can always write me a love letter gone wrong if it helps. Thanks.)

H.E.- For years Talker96’s Page of Awesome has been synonymous with quality news reports and a classy style of dress. Recently the editor has come under fire for having his reporters wire tap phone lines, harass potential leads in a story to get the story and force his girlfriend to dress up in a cheerleader costume for a more authentic style of role play. We sat down with Talker96 and his lawyer to see if we could get the truth, or at least a little bit of it. Here now is that interview.

H.E.- Thanks for coming to speak with us today so as to try and clear the air about these recent charges.

Talker96-  Anytime H.E.. As always it’s a pleasure to b-

(lawyer leans into Talker96 and whispers something)

Talker96- Thanks.

H.E.-  Recently you’ve come under fire from various newspapers who say that you fabricate your stories and manipulate the media in the same sort of style as Hitler  leading up to the disastrous “One people. One love.” campaign of 1939. We have to ask, are you a Nazi?

Talker96- Are you asking if I’m a Nazi?

(some whispered talk from lawyer)

Talker96- Okay, first off, I’m a quarter Jewish. So to ask if I’m a Nazi is not only offensive but very irresponsible on the part of your fact checkers. No, I am not a Nazi.

H.E.- You’ve been accused by the New York Times of wire tapping certain celebrities phones so you could get the inside scoop. Any truth to that?

Talker96- Yes.

(lawyer begins to cough and acts like he drops his pen, when he goes to pick it up I can tell he’s whispering something to Talker96)

Talker96- (looking directly into my eyes, I can say in all honesty, Talker96 has the most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen, seriously, it’s like staring into the deepest blue of the ocean) No, there’s no truth to that. I think that all got started when ever Paris Hilton lost her phone a few years ago. You remember that right? Well, we were first on her list of friends on her phone. Those other newspapers are just trying to make us look bad. We do not lie in our reports, plain and simple.

H.E.- What about Lindsey Lohan? Last I looked she was still alive.

Talker96- Shit……Okay, that one was a mistake. We were reporting on an actual event, it just turned out that it wasn’t her. In actuality, the girl in those posts was the girl that played her twin sister in that movie where she had a twin. See, honest mistake. They look incredibly alike, it could have happened to anyone. TMZ made the same mistake.

H.E.- You recently were brave enough to admit that you originally came from Texas, prompting many newspapers to start their headlines with, “Talker96 is from Texas where everything’s Bigger….even the LIES”

Talker96- Yes, real original. How long do you think it took them to come up with that? That headline is like when you club a baby seal, you know it’s wrong but in the end, God-damn if that fur ain’t the softest fur you’ve ever felt. What I’m trying to say is, that headline sucks.

H.E.- I’m going to read a few headlines and I’d like to get some follow up comments and thoughts about them if that’s alright?

(lawyer nods his head)

Talker96- Shoot.

H.E.- Trix Rabbit arrested for performing Tricks with kids.

Talker96- The Rabbit got 10 to 15 for sexual acts with a minor. Last I heard he’s still in prison, which is where he belongs.

H.E.- Man searching for God finds him living in Orlando.

Talker96- I think God moved to Oregon, it’s why they call it Gods Country. I could be wrong though.

H.E.- Parents show support for their two month old gay son.

Talker96- Funny story, it turns out that little Timothy wasn’t gay at all, just bi curious.

H.E.- Gary Busey finds cure for cancer.

Talker96- Gary has been fast at work on cures for both A.I.D.S. and Dutch Elm Disease since that amazing Cancer breakthrough. I heard he’s been quite successful with early testing. Even curing Magic Johnson of the A.I.D.S. virus. I could be mistaken though.

H.E.- So what happens next at Page of Awesome?

(lawyer whispers something)

Talker96- I’m sorry to tell you that I can’t comment on that at this time. Thanks for having me.

(he then swiftly, like the wind almost, walks away. Leaving me and the lawyer, who asks me to lunch)

We’ll tell you more as news breaks.

12 responses

  1. That was a great interview, even with that a**hole lawyer inhibiting your mojo. If I were gay (er) I’d definitely jump this guy’s bones (I actually mean jump his bones, like, rob them of his soul in an alley) because his blog is like a Page of ……I can’t think of the right word, but he’s good.
    Great job, H.E., for exposing us to this. I feel like I just had forty back to back x-rays.

    February 22, 2012 at 1:32 am

  2. I know what you mean. I feel like I should be handing out lead aprons to cover the junk.

    February 22, 2012 at 5:53 am

  3. Hard hitting journalism at it’s always.

    February 22, 2012 at 7:07 am

    • Talker makes it easy.

      February 23, 2012 at 5:52 am

  4. You sure do get the exclusive interviews.

    February 22, 2012 at 9:09 am

    • It’s the boobs.

      February 23, 2012 at 5:54 am

      • You should really be more respectful Calling your interview subjects “boobs” probably isn’t the best strategy.

        February 23, 2012 at 8:01 am

  5. Clubbing baby seals is just good family fun.

    February 23, 2012 at 3:26 am

    • I agree. They should make that a ride at Disneyland.

      February 23, 2012 at 5:54 am

  6. I think you should interview Talker96’s lawyer separately.
    Find out he how he can sleep at night while supporting such scurrilousness.

    Also, find out if he;s taking on new clients…

    February 23, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    • Hmm….that gives me an idea….

      February 24, 2012 at 9:52 am

  7. – Thanks for the comment on my blog I die when I get ones that aren’t from my dad or setisr Your kids are VERY adorable.I am very jealous you have a D700.I enjoyed every minute of stalking your work this morning when I should be doing laundry and house cleaning

    January 18, 2013 at 9:39 am