The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Love Letters Gone Wrong – Thirteen

It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to

This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who liked my Fuck Everything And Become A Pirate post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.



To my dearest, last night was the most amazing experience of my life, you are the one for me, there is no other.


I write this on my knees praying that you understand……..I had no idea you had a twin sister. But please see my point, as I genuinely thought I was making love to you, not her. The animalistic passion she and I shared between those covers was just sex not the sort of love like we share.


Actually after 5 times it really started to wear off, which is why, when I realized I came straight over. I would have told you straight away but the whole candle lit dinner and silk lingerie followed by sex etc etc etc honestly wasn’t the right time to bring it up. Also having to shoot off to the pub afterwards with the boys meant that I needed to wait for this hangover to clear for you to know that this is genuine.


I also unequivocally promise this will never happen again as I can now easily tell you apart. Although after your breast implant it was more difficult to tell, hers do feel more natural.

Her bikini wax really makes her feel like a young girl, where there is a real maturity that you bring, which also makes it real easy when you are both dressed in a swimsuit. Luckily, even if it’s dark, I can always find your raised birthmark, which is a real positive given your sensitivity around its location and shape, who would have known it’s the only thing that’s not identical with twins.


It is fantastic that you have that great bond with your sister, you get to share so much. Why don’t you ask her about where she goes for her bikini wax, because man I reckon it would really take our lovemaking to the next level.


Anyway, it has been hard writing this, I hope you now see my undeniable love for you.

Gotta go, will pop around after footy.


PS, that lingerie really works for me 🙂

25 responses

  1. Hahaha wow@ that post.

    February 24, 2012 at 1:20 am

  2. “will pop around after footy.” Sound like my dad and I really hope it isn’t him.

    February 24, 2012 at 4:40 am

    • I really hope it’s not also… 🙂

      February 24, 2012 at 9:53 am

      • Oh god I hope it is and wanna see your reply!

        Just think – Megan could call you Mommy …

        February 25, 2012 at 11:22 pm

  3. I’m gonna guess it was Patrick ….. has to be someone in college 😛
    …Hope you’re feeling all better :O

    February 24, 2012 at 5:00 am

    • I am feeling better, thanks. And Patrick has his first vote!

      February 24, 2012 at 9:53 am

  4. I’m guessing Fred….or maybe Megan’s Dad, hmmm…, Fred.

    February 24, 2012 at 7:03 am

    • Kayjai votes Fred!

      February 24, 2012 at 9:53 am

  5. I say John.
    Because I have no clue who wrote this and there are several regulars here named “John”.

    And what the hell is a “footy”?

    February 24, 2012 at 9:32 am

    • The handsome man known as El Guapo votes for John. And I believe that means “footy” pajamas. Maybe.

      February 24, 2012 at 9:54 am

  6. Hello Megan!

    February 24, 2012 at 9:33 am

    • There’s a vote for Megan!

      February 24, 2012 at 9:54 am

  7. That’s it, my guess is …… Psychowatcher …… Not because of the writing style in the letter verses the blogging.

    Mainly because its an awesome name. (and no one had guessed it yet)

    February 24, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    • It figures, HR.

      February 24, 2012 at 6:06 pm

  8. Hotspur votes for Fred, even though there’s nothing in it for Hotspur whatsoever. Hotspur is willing to take the cash equivalent. Or you could work something out with him.

    February 24, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    • You realise some people will be reading this and going “who the hell is Fred”??

      PS My love letter would be way more ellaqwint than this one, sheesh! 😉

      February 25, 2012 at 5:29 am

      • Hotspur and his nicknames. My goodness. 😉

        February 25, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    • I see a barter trade happening… 😉

      February 25, 2012 at 8:02 pm

      • Hotspur is not sure his wife would be happy about that kind of trade, but then again, it depends on what the trade is for…. ha ha

        February 25, 2012 at 8:54 pm

        • 2 goats.

          February 25, 2012 at 11:22 pm

          • And a case of beer. 🙂

            February 26, 2012 at 5:11 am

            • Sounds like you got a deal stitched up there! LOL

              February 26, 2012 at 3:33 pm

        • I had planned on handing off HR. He is the prettier of the two of us.

          February 26, 2012 at 5:10 am

  9. No clue. Shooting in the dark with Megan.
    Happy Monday!

    February 26, 2012 at 10:16 pm