The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Do Not Remove Under Penalty Of Law

Yup, you guessed it, I’ve been tagged. Not once, not twice, but three times. I’ve decided since I do a weekly SPaM post that should exempt me from passing on questions to other bloggers. I would like however, to answer the ones set before me. But first, the rules:

1. You must post the rules.
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post.
4. Let them know you’ve tagged them!





1.  If you were stuck in a burning building with no possible means of escape but had a bag of marshmallows….. Would you toast them over the fire or just eat ‘em straight?

Fuck eating the marshmallows, I’d find a way to masturbate with them. I’m gonna die anyway, right?

2. The funniest knock knock joke you can think of:

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting Cow.

3. Weirdest thing you’ve eaten.

Sweetbreads. Look that shit up.

4. Tell me what you’d do if a bird excreted on your head.

Buy a cat.

5. Stupidest thing you did while you were sober.

Hit on someone drunk.

6.Can you run 2 miles if I kick you out of bed at 4am…. to chase me down ….. Theoretically. In reality I won’t make it the first mile.

Chances are the answer is yes, since by 4am I’ve already been up for an hour.

7. How many quarter pounders do you think you can eat in a sitting?

1/4 of 1/4 pounder. You do the math.

8. Bacon or Beer. You must decide!


9. Can you tell me, an exact use for a rubber duck?

Well that depends…does your rubber duck take batteries?

10. in your dreams….. Are you on top?

ALWAYS. It’s the only time I get to look down at someone.

11. Rosie Huntington-Whitley or Megan fox? You Must Decide!

Jensen Ackles!





The best moment of your life?

The day I held my book proof in my hands.

The worst moment of your life?

The day I realized I mis-spelled the word ASPHALT on my book proof.

If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?

Nothing. I am the product of all my experiences, both good and bad. This means you, HR.

If you could go back and tell someone how you really felt when you didn’t, who would it be?

HR’s father. I hope modeling Gus after him makes up for it.

If there was someone who you could tell how you really felt now who would it be?

Megan – you matter to me more than you know. 🙂

Your greatest achievement?

I recently learned the definition of unconditional love in a round about way from a little old lady I’ve never met.

Someone you wanted to be proud of you who weren’t?

My father.

List the best people in your life right now.

My children and my blogroll.

Your joy in life is…

Writing, plain and simple.

What you wish you could do but cannot?

Shoot a free throw.

If I gave you an airline ticket for anywhere in the world where would you go?

East Yorkshire. I’ve got friends there.





1) Of the five senses – which would you sacrifice to keep the other four?

Smell. I’d save money on bath water too. Win win!

2) What is the first website you check in the morning?

3)  Zombies or Vampires?

Zombies. I was married to a vampire for seventeen years. I’ve had enough.

4)  Feed the poor or Eat the rich?

Feed the poor. The rich taste like chicken.

5)  Romance Novel or Thriller?

Thriller. Love stinks.

6)  Favorite Band?


7)  Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall?


8)  Is there anyone in your past that, looking back, you never would have dated?

The father of my second kid. Yeah, HR. We need to talk….

9)  What could you eat over and over.. and over again?

Anything that contains coconut. I add it to everything.

10) Which deadly sin would you most associate yourself with?

Lust. Wait….no, it’s lust. Yeah, lust. definitely lust.

11) Car, motorcycle or something else?  If something, else, what?

Frank Stallone

30 responses

  1. Erm, a lot of things to be address here.
    First the Marshmallow thing….. And the rubber duck thing ?!!? … I’ll be waiting for a detailed explaination.
    Also, I’m from the state of Kerala in India which specializes in….. Yup, growing all the worlds cocunuts ( seriously not kidding ) . Ask any Indian and they’d point to Kerala because really, no one else can stand the stuff…… Most curious.
    Also, Jensen Ackles doesn’t have boobs, your answer is invalid.

    February 25, 2012 at 1:42 am

    • Coconuts? Really? Seriously, I put it in everything. My coffee, my breakfast, I even make homemade soap and shampoo with coconut.

      Jensen is lacking in the boob department, but that’s alright with me. I’ve got enough boobage for the both of us.

      February 25, 2012 at 2:26 am

      • Oh yes, in Kerala, coconut oil is used to fry everything. Coconut trees are everywhere and in fact Kerala derives it’s name from the malayalam word for coconut trees ‘Kera’ or something like that unless my culture is failing me….

        February 25, 2012 at 2:47 am

  2. East Yorkshire, what the hell is in East Yorkshire? Oh wait I know now 😉 Little old ladies seem to always have the answers, maybe I should be come one, I would rather retire now and become a duck 🙂

    February 25, 2012 at 3:52 am

    • I have no response to that. 🙂

      February 25, 2012 at 7:24 pm

  3. Ah! smell, so under-rated.

    February 25, 2012 at 4:56 am

    • If you only knew how sensitive I am to the slightest odor you’d understand why I’d be glad to give it up.

      February 25, 2012 at 7:25 pm

  4. hrnightmare

    Wait, what Was that you said about your second kid?
    And up by 4 back to sleep by 4:30.
    And no coffee for you of any flavor.

    February 25, 2012 at 5:24 am

    • NOOO!!! You have my Dunkins card!

      February 25, 2012 at 7:26 pm

  5. I especially like (and can relate to) your answer to Rantonit’s 10th question!

    Excellent post, sista!

    February 25, 2012 at 6:45 am

    • Thanks!

      That’s right ladies and gentleman, it’s all happening on the fifth floor!

      February 25, 2012 at 7:26 pm

  6. Nice answers!

    February 25, 2012 at 7:35 am

    • Thanks! I’ll be over soon to catch up on my Kevin fix. Man, I hope Tom gets kicked in the nuts.

      February 25, 2012 at 7:27 pm

  7. This getting tagged business, it’s all the rage.

    February 25, 2012 at 9:18 am

    • Like the Watusi.

      Hey Rantonit and Megan, the Watusi was a dance my mom did as a kid.

      February 25, 2012 at 7:29 pm

  8. El Guapo is surprised and amused that you chose exactly the same knock knock joke as he did.
    He is also enlightened and amused by all your other answers. So much is clear now…

    February 25, 2012 at 9:29 am

    • That’s because the rain is gone.

      Lame, I know. But it’s been a looong day.

      February 25, 2012 at 7:29 pm

  9. You should partake in the Not a Narcissist challenge…

    February 25, 2012 at 10:35 am

    • Is that where you refer to yourself in the third person? Because I am already a split personality so I don’t think my brain could tackle the math involved.

      February 25, 2012 at 7:30 pm

      • Some people refer to themselves in third person…the smart ones avoid that as much as possible. El Guapo and Hotspur could verify that for you… 😉

        February 25, 2012 at 7:39 pm

  10. Though I would have been the loser, I was ready to dump you when you said you liked The Season of Death/The Frozen Hell/The Bland White Nothing that is Winter, but then you hugely redeemed yourself with your love of coconut. I would almost, almost, rather eat coconut cream pie than have sex. Even if a bed of marshmallows was involved. Maybe eating coconut cream pie while the lady was doing all the work, on a bed of marshmallows.

    February 25, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    • I can sum up my love of winter and aversion to summer in one word:


      February 25, 2012 at 7:24 pm

  11. Fabulous job! Kudos to anyone who can be funny answering that many questions!

    February 25, 2012 at 8:54 pm

    • Thanks. I find it highly ironic that what made me tank the S.A.T.s my first go ’round is what is applauded on my blog.

      February 26, 2012 at 5:08 am

  12. Y U No make questions, tell bloggers?

    February 25, 2012 at 10:18 pm

    • Me make SPaM. Plenty questions there. Crap. Now you’ve got me doing it.

      February 26, 2012 at 5:09 am

      • Those are for single bloggers. I’m talking about questions for multiple bloggers.

        Got you doing what?

        February 26, 2012 at 9:55 am

  13. I was wondering if you might help me out…El Guapo and Edward Hotspur gave me quite a bad time the other day, and I thought it might be fun if some of us bloggers who frequently see their sites would mention “conspiracy” or some form of the word in any comment we make on their blog tomorrow. The idea is to get them thinking that it is weird that so many people are talking about conspiracies…but we should still be subtle enough that they won’t figure out there really is a conspiracy to quickly.

    February 28, 2012 at 2:03 pm

  14. Sure, I’m game. 🙂

    February 28, 2012 at 2:15 pm

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