The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

The Hotspur Challenge

Alright E.H. this one’s for you.

Below you will find a link to a song that I absolutely LOVE. Unfortunately, whoever wrote the lyrics suffered a traumatic brain injury because they make abso-fucking-lutely no sense to me. Here’s the challenge should you choose to accept:


***** HOTSPUR HAS OBLIGED!!!! *****

I was a pale dark boy, loser too cheap for whores
All of your street walk eyes wide on electric toys
Then when your top crossed your chest, I cut my teeth on your leg
Stole me a doggy style and noodled you everywhere

Have I fondled you
Padded girl, vampire, bleeding or lost you
That time of the month
Big string dangling

Now I’m a cat ass trophy
Nothing but store bought come
Watching the warm blood spill through your ass cracks
Dripping on magazine photos
Those open thighs thrown on the bed
And clean flushed in the red monthly stream

Have I fondled you
Padded girl, undead, bleeding or lost you,
That time of the month
Big string stuck going in


43 responses

  1. “Write Less Words, Close Your Mouth” by Tin and Twine from the Try Trite Soundtrack

    I know there’s a word for this
    I can’t quite think of it
    Or is it just too rude to tell you?

    I was sore pressed for
    So I made this mess of
    Now you’re depressed by the
    As I ramble on

    I was bound to
    Overdo to the sound you
    Say you love
    Push you way past shove
    With my insipid writing

    I’m so surprised you’re still here
    Aren’t you revolted by what you hear?
    Isn’t it all a shade too

    Are you a glutton for
    As I sing my way to
    With verbal masochism?

    I was bound to
    Overdo to the sound you
    Say you love
    Push you way past shove
    With my lame-ass writing

    Still I hound you
    With a sweet melody
    Accompanied by lyrical debris
    too damn hard to follow
    My gosh, it’s frightening

    (repeat chorus ad nauseum)

    Copyright 2012 by Tim Ear and R. Fell Whine

    February 29, 2012 at 2:32 am


      February 29, 2012 at 8:23 am

      • Yea, I did. Within a few minutes of getting the challenge. I’ve been writing songs for 44 years. it’s like second nature.

        February 29, 2012 at 12:38 pm

        • This is really good. I have zero talent when it comes to writing lyrics. Writing music is even harder.

          February 29, 2012 at 2:28 pm

          • If I’d spent more than 10 minutes on it, it would have been better. But part of the way I test myself is to see how much I can accomplish off the top of my head. Truly matching lyrics to music and making a strong and original statement of any kind is a rare skill. I don’t think the person(s) who wrote the original song lyric have it. The approach that I get from that lyric is one of “let’s see what sticks” regardless of making sense. It’s too clever for it’s own good.

            I see writing music as more of a fun thing than a frustrating one.

            Glad you liked my little effort.

            February 29, 2012 at 4:10 pm

            • I did enjoy it. One of the ways I’ve been honing my writing skills is by posting my Hellis 100 series. I tried (at least on the first few) to sum up my thoughts in as few words as possible. The one on mustaches was exceptionally difficult.

              February 29, 2012 at 4:30 pm

              • Yes, I remember that one. I even commented on your choice of Sam Elliot for #1. Saying a lot in a single sentence is a real feat.

                If you are interested in reading a great author who is also one of the most economical writers ever, try the hardboiled detective fiction of Ross MacDonald. The antithesis of a writer like Laurence Durell who wrote the “Alexandria Quartet” of novels that read like florid romantic poetry. MacDonald says more with less. He evokes vivid imagery and emotion that leaps off the page while never wasting a word. Also how I think of the best of Paul Simon.

                February 29, 2012 at 5:14 pm

                • He sounds right up my alley, genre wise. Editing is a skill I definitely need to hone.

                  February 29, 2012 at 6:42 pm

  2. Not the Broth

    Yeah, I might have something for you from that teenager I live with. Me? I just can’t get passed laughing at rhyming Scotch and Crotch for my first line. Hehheh.

    I drank a lot of Scotch, then begged you to touch my crotch…

    I’m done for the day.

    February 29, 2012 at 11:35 am

    • Okay, let’s remember you ACTUALLY asked for this:

      I drank a lot of scotch, then begged you to touch my crotch
      You slapped my drunken face, called me a damn disgrace

      Then as you walked out the door, I turned and puked on the floor
      Brought up those chili fries, watered my blood shot eyes

      Now you’re laughing
      At my pain
      Weak kneed
      While I spew-ew
      Chunks from my mouth

      Worst Mom

      Now this is all your fault, you and your damn cold womb
      Yeah, sure, I’m thirty-two, but I learned this all from you.

      Knocked out your own damn tooth, you pissed in a photo booth
      When I was seventeen, you blew my foot ball team.

      Gave me the Bad Touch
      Bad Mother
      Yeah sure
      I’m drunk
      But screw you
      Twisted Bitch

      First help me clean this up


      February 29, 2012 at 1:21 pm

      • I am so proud to call you a friend.

        February 29, 2012 at 2:26 pm

  3. All I can say when it comes to writing lyrics is:

    Hey hey we’re the Monkeys

    Sorry too soon.
    We will miss you Davy

    February 29, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    • You know what I want to ask, but am afraid to.

      February 29, 2012 at 2:26 pm


        February 29, 2012 at 2:46 pm

        • Kind of ironic don’t ya think, you where writing this post at the same time the he wa… You know what you get the point.

          February 29, 2012 at 2:51 pm

          • God I hate you.

            February 29, 2012 at 2:52 pm

            • Yeah I know.

              February 29, 2012 at 3:39 pm

              • Not the Broth

                I’m just shocked you know who Davey Jones was! Trying to picture you rocking out to Sleepy Jean makes my head hurt.

                February 29, 2012 at 3:56 pm

                • Talisker makes all things possible.

                  February 29, 2012 at 8:33 pm

              • Are you certain the 2 of you are not still married? I am not convinced…

                March 2, 2012 at 9:23 am

                • Let me think about that for a moment…did we have sex last night? No? Hey, you’re right! We ARE still married!

                  March 2, 2012 at 10:10 am

                  • Wow. Thanks for broadcasting that.
                    Ladies And gents, Queen Pissa has arrived.
                    Now if you’ll excuse me, I must return to my despair already in progress.

                    March 2, 2012 at 10:27 am

  4. I’ll pass.
    Iron and Wine doesn’t do it for me.

    But if you want alternate lyrics, I direct you to a cover, then a parody of Gotye’s Somebody That I Used To Know. If you know the first, go straight to the second.

    February 29, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    • How sad is it that I preferred the second one?

      February 29, 2012 at 2:47 pm

      • Right there with you…

        February 29, 2012 at 2:49 pm

  5. I’m still writing words for a song that I have to sing tonight. Oh sh*t, I better get busy. Thanks for reminding me, and all of you who wrote words to a song, I bow.

    February 29, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    • You’re a braver man than I.

      February 29, 2012 at 2:53 pm

  6. There was either a random-computer-generated lyric thing or an LSD thing going on in that song, I think.

    February 29, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    • Wow.
      Hotspur does not disappoint.
      I’ll have two of whatever he’s having.

      February 29, 2012 at 7:34 pm

      • If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard someone say that. In bed. When I’m drunk.

        February 29, 2012 at 8:20 pm

  7. I hope it’s either of those two, because the third option of “the lyricist thought it sounded artsy” makes me question my faith in creativity. I think I need to go read some Nabokov.

    February 29, 2012 at 7:32 pm

  8. Oh, hey, Davey just took the last train to Clarksville, didn’t he? Wow. I didn’t realize he had died. I feel like such a tork. Wow, news like this really dolenz the creativity. I didn’t think their popularity would last this long, but I’m a believer.

    February 29, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    • So wrong…

      February 29, 2012 at 8:34 pm

  9. I’m picturing the Hotspur version as Godsmack now, with Sully giving it all he’s got on “BIG STRING DANG-L-INGGGGGG!!!”

    February 29, 2012 at 11:24 pm


      March 1, 2012 at 8:55 am

  10. I’ve read Ross MacDonald, and felt that tight, firm… CONSTRUCTION! (Get your head out of..wherever it was.) Just recently I found that he was a local boy, born and raised here in my adopted city….under a different name, of course. Nice exercise. You can always rely on Hotspur.

    March 1, 2012 at 3:24 am

    • That Mr. Hotspur is something else. We’re a bit snowed in here in NH so I think I’ll give my Kindle a work out today with Ross MacDonald. You can’t go wrong with Canadians.

      March 1, 2012 at 8:57 am

      • “Give my Kindle a work out” – you kids, always coming up with new euphemisms for whacking it.

        Hotspur is something else, but he’s also something. For 200 points and the game, what is the something, and what is the something else?

        March 1, 2012 at 4:25 pm

        • Cheez Whiz and Guava Juice.

          Thanks, I’d like my points in the form of 10,000 marbles please.

          March 1, 2012 at 4:38 pm

          • I lost them.

            March 1, 2012 at 6:04 pm

            • Mr. Hotspur is composed of Awesomesauce and Win.

              March 2, 2012 at 2:51 am

              • Ms. Ellis is composed of Goddess Juice (not from concentrate).

                March 2, 2012 at 6:23 am