The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Love Letters Gone Wrong – Fourteen

It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to

This week’s love letter was written by a lady blogger who was nominated for Prom Court in my GLITTER E. YANUS post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.


My Dearest Helena Elizabeth,

It is I, Patricia, and I have finally gathered up enough courage to write you and ask you this very important question:
Would you give me the honor of being my Special Lady Friend without the Sex?

(Wow, it feels really awesome to, at last, get that off of my chest!)

The bond I feel with you is unlike any I have ever felt before. I was just telling my husband the other day, “Husband, she is the one for me! She, Helena Elizabeth, is the Special Lady Friend without the Sex I have been dreaming of!”

You and I have bonded over our un-managed ADHD and I know you ‘GET ME’. You had me at hello Helena,

I was thinking of coming out to your house and, when I move in, it will be sooo fun to hear all of our nosy neighbors saying things like, ” Look Gladys, Helena finally got herself a Special Lady Friend without the Sex, I hear that sorta thing is all the rage in Europe”. You always were a forward thinker Helena, your town needs this kind of thing! The world is ready for us honey bunny, I just know it.

For our first Special Lady Friend without the Sex nite in, I thought we could give in to our ADHD impulses and lure that attractive UPS guy you’ve spoken about into our home, to see if he can do something about our ‘without the Sex’ arrangement. We will have to start thinking outside of the box Helena, since we won’t be touching each others’ Boxes. ( although my husband has offered his services to you if you should ever need them)

I hope you will be as GIDDY as I am with the Marriage Contracts I had drawn up for our children! My oldest girl will marry your oldest boy, your middle boy will marry my youngest girl (even though she is only 5, she is very mature for her age), and your daughter may pick one of my 2 boys as her bethrothed beloved! It’s a match made in Special Lady Friend without the Sex heaven!

I look forward to being your muse for your next book and tears are already welling up as I reflect upon the Dedication you will write to me in those 1st few precious pages:

‘For Patricia,

I never knew what inexplicable joy I was missing in my life until I met you, my Special Lady Friend without the Sex’.

Oh Helena! Isn’t it WONDERFUL? My husband is so overjoyed with the treasure I have found in you, that he is sending me off tomorrow! He keeps muttering something about ‘that frigid woman’, but I am certain the poor dear is only concerned with it being so cold in the East this time of year!

So, my little Apple Blossom, are you ready for a ‘new chapter in your book'( get it? “New chapter in your book’? Ha-ha, you are a writer and we are starting a new chapter in OUR book) to begin?

A chapter filled with adopting stray cats, long walks and tire stacking, reading Jodi Picoult novels out loud to one another, painting each others toenails, Justin Bieber concerts with our Brady Bunch, no sex-unless it’s the battery operated kind,sharing ‘how to avoid bikini razor burn’ tips, guiding one another to finding the right kind of Spanx-not to be confused with Spanks, and an eternal kind of Special Lady Friend without the Sex  love?  I know I am ready Helena, ready like an eager beaver who doesn’t want to touch your beaver.

Fondly and Forever Yours in Special Lady Friend without the Sex love,



(X from the side and O only on your cheek or hand)

19 responses

  1. TheOthers1

    This was so epically funny that there are no words to describe it. Lol

    March 2, 2012 at 3:32 am

    • You used thirteen and an textlet. Nicely done. 🙂

      March 2, 2012 at 8:16 am

  2. Who likes sex anyways?

    March 2, 2012 at 4:52 am

    • Uh….I refuse to answer on the grounds that it makes me guilty of one of the seven deadly sins.

      March 2, 2012 at 8:16 am

  3. No idea. Definitely a woman, though. No guy would think of a “Special Lady Friend Without The Sex”. Other than a wife, I mean. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! (Not my wife. She’s not like the others. The other wives. I’m a polygamist! Not Really! One at a time, that’s my marriage motto! Wow, this parenthetical note is longer than the actual nonparenthetical comment! How often does that happen? Someone go count that! Right now! I’ll wait.)

    March 2, 2012 at 6:46 am

  4. I’m not going to guess who it is, all I’m going to say is they must really think you’re special.

    You would be a fool not to snatch up this one. I mean Cats, Jodi Picoult, and battery operated fun time.

    Who could ask for more? Ok, it’s Hotspur. I guessed.

    March 2, 2012 at 6:56 am

    • It took a while to get there, but HR votes EH.

      March 2, 2012 at 8:13 am

  5. Not the Broth

    Me! I think its me! Well, except for the Lady thing. And the not having sex thing. And the painting each others toenails (because there’s this dude I know that has a theory about that). But other than that (and the rest of it) it could totally be me! Plus I lost about seventeen hours this week (Its only a ‘blackout’ if the consequences are negative! Don’t get judgy) during which I totally could have written you a love letter. Is it me?

    March 2, 2012 at 7:34 am

    • I don’t think it’s you. If it were yours you’d have the phrase “Padalecki sandwich” EVERYWHERE.

      March 2, 2012 at 8:11 am

      • Not the Broth

        Yeah, *sigh*, you’re probably right. My lost time rarely ends without cannibalism.

        March 2, 2012 at 9:00 am

  6. This is so spicy and sweet like one of my favorite cookies, so I’m guessing the lovesick writer is Miss Gingersnap.

    March 2, 2012 at 9:10 am

    • Sandy votes Gingersnaap!

      March 2, 2012 at 10:07 am

  7. Since Sandy took ginger (my first choice), I’m going to with Darlene. Though I think if it were her, there would have been a non-sexual reference to a motorcycle…

    March 2, 2012 at 9:30 am

    • El Guapo votes Darlene.

      I am not sure there’s a way to make motorcycles NOT sexy.

      March 2, 2012 at 10:08 am

  8. Let’s snap that ginger.

    March 2, 2012 at 9:48 am

    • John snaaps up Ginger!

      March 2, 2012 at 10:08 am

  9. I see another clue. I say gingerschnapps. In lowercase.

    March 2, 2012 at 11:56 am

  10. I think it’s sandylikeabeach trying to throw us off.

    March 2, 2012 at 12:42 pm