The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

My Secret Admirer – Fourteen

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, and that blogger along with the secret admirer wins a free copy of my ebook. Find out who that winner is by clicking on the trophy to your right.

Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to


My Dearest Helena Elizabeth,

It is I, Patricia, and I have finally gathered up enough courage to write you and ask you this very important question:
Would you give me the honor of being my Special Lady Friend without the Sex?

(Wow, it feels really awesome to, at last, get that off of my chest!)

The bond I feel with you is unlike any I have ever felt before. I was just telling my husband the other day, “Husband, she is the one for me! She, Helena Elizabeth, is the Special Lady Friend without the Sex I have been dreaming of!”

You and I have bonded over our un-managed ADHD and I know you ‘GET ME’. You had me at hello Helena,

I was thinking of coming out to your house and, when I move in, it will be sooo fun to hear all of our nosy neighbors saying things like, ” Look Gladys, Helena finally got herself a Special Lady Friend without the Sex, I hear that sorta thing is all the rage in Europe”. You always were a forward thinker Helena, your town needs this kind of thing! The world is ready for us honey bunny, I just know it.

For our first Special Lady Friend without the Sex nite in, I thought we could give in to our ADHD impulses and lure that attractive UPS guy you’ve spoken about into our home, to see if he can do something about our ‘without the Sex’ arrangement. We will have to start thinking outside of the box Helena, since we won’t be touching each others’ Boxes. ( although my husband has offered his services to you if you should ever need them)

I hope you will be as GIDDY as I am with the Marriage Contracts I had drawn up for our children! My oldest girl will marry your oldest boy, your middle boy will marry my youngest girl (even though she is only 5, she is very mature for her age), and your daughter may pick one of my 2 boys as her bethrothed beloved! It’s a match made in Special Lady Friend without the Sex heaven!

I look forward to being your muse for your next book and tears are already welling up as I reflect upon the Dedication you will write to me in those 1st few precious pages:

‘For Patricia,

I never knew what inexplicable joy I was missing in my life until I met you, my Special Lady Friend without the Sex’.

Oh Helena! Isn’t it WONDERFUL? My husband is so overjoyed with the treasure I have found in you, that he is sending me off tomorrow! He keeps muttering something about ‘that frigid woman’, but I am certain the poor dear is only concerned with it being so cold in the East this time of year!

So, my little Apple Blossom, are you ready for a ‘new chapter in your book’( get it? “New chapter in your book’? Ha-ha, you are a writer and we are starting a new chapter in OUR book) to begin?

A chapter filled with adopting stray cats, long walks and tire stacking, reading Jodi Picoult novels out loud to one another, painting each others toenails, Justin Bieber concerts with our Brady Bunch, no sex-unless it’s the battery operated kind,sharing ‘how to avoid bikini razor burn’ tips, guiding one another to finding the right kind of Spanx-not to be confused with Spanks, and an eternal kind of Special Lady Friend without the Sex  love?  I know I am ready Helena, ready like an eager beaver who doesn’t want to touch your beaver.

Fondly and Forever Yours in Special Lady Friend without the Sex love,



(X from the side and O only on your cheek or hand)


Dearest Patricia,

While the idea of having a “Special Lady Friend Without the Sex” sounds appealing, I am afraid that I am going to have to decline. Sadly, I’ve been down that road before, as I once had a “Special Man Friend Without the Sex.”

I called him my husband.

– Helena





6 responses

  1. Oh, my second win at this! Does this mean I get copies of your next two books? And I tend to agree with you that special friends are better with sex. Take care, my sista!

    March 4, 2012 at 8:51 am

  2. I am still moving in tomorrow. You said I could :o)

    March 4, 2012 at 9:10 am

  3. Patricia – Sandy. They both have A’s. I shoulda known.

    March 4, 2012 at 9:26 am

  4. March 4, 2012 at 9:28 am

  5. Pingback: How I Love A Hellis, The Happy Birthday Edition! | OhMyGawd, Just Do What I Say!

  6. September 24, 2013 at 7:52 am