The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate




North Pole – In a bizarre twist of events today in the North Pole, the ongoing troubles of Santa Claus just went from bad to worse. Jose Baez, prominent defense attorney for Casey Anthony, appeared on behalf of Mr. Claus today at the Superior Court of the North Pole to file multiple appeals and motions relating to the case against Mr. Claus. This troubling case started with the arrest of Claus on January 2nd this year on drug and prostitution charges.

Also before the judge presiding was the Prosecuting Attorney, who declined a public statement. However, based on comments by Mr. Baez there are a host of additional charges being brought against his client. Although he did not enumerate them, he did allude to tax evasion, fraud, money laundering, and other charges related to unsafe business practices.

“These additional charges against Mr. Claus, a man of sterling character, are nothing more than a witch hunt,” Mr. Baez said.

As the rumors spread on the court steps, Mr. Baez responded to questions about the integrity of his client by saying, “Any fan of Law and Order knows this is nothing but a fishing expedition by the Prosecution, and a poorly-disguised one at that. Bill Clinton ran a cleaner campaign than the Prosecution has conducted with this case.”

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a source close to the District Attorney’s office stated that there had been some calls from U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder, adding an international flavor to the mix.

“The U.S. has no dog in this fight,” Baez said when asked about this information, adding, “The efforts of the U.S., Canada, and Greenland to muddle this case and cast aspersions on my client are nothing but rumors of the worst kind.”

The local rumor mill, already overcharged by events surrounding these events, went wild when star attorney Gloria Allred was spotted at the airport hustling from a chartered jet into a limousine. This spurred rumors that Mrs. Claus had retained her representation in connection with her husband’s mounting legal difficulties.

H.E. Ellis is an author, blogger and all around menace on leave for current assignment at the North Pole. Regular blogging is scheduled to resume on March 17, 2012.

66 responses

  1. Welcome back, H.E.! I missed you!

    March 16, 2012 at 11:46 am

    • I missed you too! I’ll send a more detailed reply to your email tonight. It’s all good. 🙂

      March 16, 2012 at 11:48 am

      • Time to face the music armed with this great inmnofatiro.

        April 24, 2014 at 8:52 pm

  2. Yes! Welcome back :-)! You have been missed!

    March 16, 2012 at 11:49 am

    • Thanks! Glad to be back. 🙂

      March 16, 2012 at 11:50 am

  3. Ohhhh 😀 You wouldn’t believe how much I’m smiling right now (^.^) ……. You, have no clue woman ….. Aaaah I’m so glad you’re back !!! (^.^)
    Eeeeee 😀

    March 16, 2012 at 11:49 am

    • My cheeks hurt from smiling so wide, that’s how happy I am to see your comment!

      March 16, 2012 at 11:51 am

      • you know my face looks like this right? —> (^.^) . And I’m super happy and I’m ranting and ohh, I’m 3/4th of the way through your book!!! 😀 soooo much to tell you! Eeee 😀
        Ok, I’ll save some for tomorrow 😀 xx.

        March 16, 2012 at 11:55 am

  4. Your last post was a bit ominous and truly a crushing announcement. So glad to see you reporting on the latest happenings of a man with questionable activities. Welcome back…

    March 16, 2012 at 11:51 am

    • I am glad to be out of the frozen tundra and back in sunny New Hamp…shire…


      March 16, 2012 at 11:53 am

  5. You left? 😉

    March 16, 2012 at 11:52 am

    • Pissah. 🙂

      March 16, 2012 at 11:53 am

  6. Blog world is whole again.

    March 16, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    • The shit you say, HR. 😉

      March 16, 2012 at 12:13 pm

  7. And now the world is right once again!

    Don’t EVER do that to me again!



    March 16, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    • You got it, Sista!

      March 16, 2012 at 12:13 pm

  8. I thought maybe your absence had something to do with prostitution.

    Welcome back–like they say, the world is right again.

    March 16, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    • Holy shit that’s close. 😉

      March 16, 2012 at 12:38 pm

  9. *contented sigh*
    welcome back.

    March 16, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    • And the “All Around Menace” should probably be the first part of your byline.
      Or your title.
      either one…

      Glad you’ll be here to control Ginger.
      Seriously, she’s losing it!

      March 16, 2012 at 12:39 pm

      • OH, and? While you’ve been gone, I have been accused of all kinds of horrible things by peculiar grown up’s and excitable heathens.

        It’s been awful and un-deserved, mostly-kinda-in a ‘maybe I deserved it’ kinda way. Do you know what I have gone through?

        I mean, I’m SUPPOSED to be on MomCation right now and away from the Matrix, but I HAVE to lurk around Blog world to see what people are saying about me in my ‘absence’.

        Gosh I’ve missed you Helena! I’m gonna get you a gift while I am here!

        Tell GuapTart that I ‘lost it’ a long damn time ago. And tell him his little manly bits are not shiny enough!

        Did you miss me too, sweetie?

        March 16, 2012 at 5:27 pm

        • What the hell did I just read?

          March 16, 2012 at 7:41 pm

      • I’m liking the All Around Menace title. And Ginger is in good company. 🙂

        March 16, 2012 at 7:42 pm

  10. I was wondering where in the heck you got off to… Yay! H.E. is back!

    March 16, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    • I hoped she was busy getting off too .. oh .. that isn’t what you said…

      March 16, 2012 at 4:15 pm

      • Sadly, no Frederique. I did not have THAT kind of fun. Sigh…

        March 16, 2012 at 7:42 pm

        • when you coming to En Zee so we can cause some chaos???

          March 20, 2012 at 12:48 am

    • Hellis Squee!!

      March 16, 2012 at 7:42 pm

  11. I guess you could have posted a page out of the phone book. Everyone’s just happy the House Mother is back!

    March 16, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    • House mother. I like that. 🙂

      March 16, 2012 at 2:16 pm

  12. Oh, it’s you. Yippee. Whatever. What, you were gone?

    Are you kidding? Holy Shiite Muslims, I’m glad to see you back! Wow. I had stopped holding up your picture with one… I mean, I had stopped looking at your blog for new posts, because I couldn’t stand the constant disappointment and crying. But now you’re here, and all is right with the world.

    No, I’m not overstating it. What?

    March 16, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    • Next time I’ll send you a picture with a kickstand. It’s good to be back, EH. 🙂

      March 16, 2012 at 8:10 pm

      • Cool!

        March 16, 2012 at 8:12 pm

        • Big help, big help. And supavletire news of course.

          October 5, 2013 at 12:29 pm

  13. You’re BACK!

    March 16, 2012 at 8:24 pm

  14. This was a pleasant surprise. Missed your wit, and your comments and pretty much everything else. I think I’ll have a nice glass of merlot to celebrate.

    March 16, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    • Thanks! Have one for me too, since I can barely handle more than a wine cooler.

      March 17, 2012 at 10:07 am

  15. now the world is right again. Welcome back!

    March 16, 2012 at 9:19 pm

    • Glad to be back!

      March 17, 2012 at 10:08 am

  16. Well, welcome the hell back! 🙂

    March 16, 2012 at 9:26 pm

    • Glad to be the hell back!

      March 17, 2012 at 10:09 am

      • Let’s get down to brass tacks: Are you back to walking around naked in the early evenings? I need to get my telescope back out of the attic. 😉

        March 17, 2012 at 10:57 am

        • Yes I am, only now I’ve changed it to late at night. Daylight savings and all.

          March 17, 2012 at 11:32 am

  17. Hooray! Your return is well-received!

    March 16, 2012 at 9:40 pm

    • I’ve missed Wonderbutt too! I can’t wait to stop by. 🙂

      March 17, 2012 at 10:10 am

  18. I think you should know that some people have really amped up the meanness in the blogosphere in the past couple of weeks. Hobbler, Lizziecracked, and especially that GingerSnaap. They have all ganged up on me and Guap several times, and hurted our feewings. They’re so mean to us. That’s what you’ve come back to. *sigh*

    March 16, 2012 at 11:43 pm

    • They sound like Mean Girls. Don’t worry buddy. I’ve got your back. 🙂

      March 17, 2012 at 10:11 am

      • Yeah? Is that because my front and sides are already taken up by them? ha ha

        March 17, 2012 at 10:16 am

        • Naughty boy. 😉

          March 17, 2012 at 10:42 am

          • I wasn’t being naughty. I was talking about them taking turns holding me while one of them beat me up.

            March 17, 2012 at 10:43 am

            • What does it say about me that my mind went there?

              March 17, 2012 at 11:31 am

              • That you’re a filthy disgusting and depraved human being. Or normal.

                March 17, 2012 at 12:08 pm

                • Iam typoing this with on e hand…..

                  March 17, 2012 at 12:12 pm

          • The only place left is a kidney shot.

            March 17, 2012 at 10:44 am

            • I’m partial to dishing out a come-from-under nut shot myself. It takes some skill but it’ll undo a grown man right quick.

              March 17, 2012 at 11:35 am

              • That sounds like it’s hard to film.

                March 17, 2012 at 12:00 pm

          • When are you going to read all my posts? There’s only about 30 or 40 of them that you haven’t seen yet.

            I’m kidding. No one wants to read that much Hotspur. No one. You could go insane! Or blind! Or get diarrhea of the mind! That rhymed! Neat!

            March 17, 2012 at 10:45 am

            • I will read it, I promise. Family stuff is still going on here, but it’s backing down little by little.

              March 17, 2012 at 11:32 am

              • Don’t read it. I don’t want you to read anything. Just go from here. Don’t worry about it.

                March 17, 2012 at 12:09 pm

  19. Welcome back H. E.

    March 17, 2012 at 1:18 am

    • Thanks! I’ve got some good things to say about your book, so stay tuned. 🙂

      March 17, 2012 at 10:11 am

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