The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Happy Birthday H.R. Nightmare!!!

Smug Bastard

Yes ladies and gentlemen, today is the infamous H.R. Nightmare’s birthday. Celebrating H.R.’s birthday is a big deal because anyone who knows him personally cannot believe this man is still alive. The list of things he’s done is crazy enough to fill a book (You need to write one, HR. I’ll help).

In honor of this special occasion I have decided to create a quiz to test how much you know about H.R. Nightmare. Scoring is as follows:

A=1 point

B=2 points

C=3 points

D=4 points

Correct answers when added together will equal HR’s age. Tally your points and then read the answers at the bottom of the post. Now onto…


1. HR is of ___________ descent:

A) Romanian

B) Swedish

C) Native American

D) All of the above

2. HR’s bedroom in high school contained:

A) An entire wall covered with names of girls he’d slept with including how many times each

B) A Rickenbacker bass guitar signed by Lemmy Kilmeister

C) A 1972 Triumph Bonneville Chopper motorcycle

D) All of the above

3. HR has earned money as:

A) A fitness model

B) A male escort

C) Underground fight club champ

D) All of the above

4. HR has been arrested for:

A) Riding a motorcycle down the hall of his high school

B) Burning down a barn while making an apple bong

C) Stealing a squad car while drunk at the age of twelve

D) All of the above

5. HR got away with:

A) Smuggling illegal immigrants to and from job sites in box vans

B) Boosting Indy 500 winner Jim Rathmann’s Ferrari as a prank

C) Hitchhiking home from Vegas after stealing and then abandoning his dad’s tractor trailer

D) All of the above

6. HR has been injured by:

A) Being stabbed and shot

B) Severing his hand nearly in two on a table saw

C) Being thrown by his father through the rear windshield of a Ford LTD

D) All of the above

7. HR saved the day when he:

A) Rescued a school bus full of children trapped under downed power lines

B) Was the only EMT willing to drive an ambulance through the ice storm of 2008

C) Rebuilt the entire brake system in a stretch hummer limo in a single night as a gift to competition bound cheerleaders

D) All of the above

8. The stupidest thing HR has ever done:

A) Got a speeding ticket while riding a go-cart built out of a bed frame and lawn tractor

B) Let his stoned buddy “pierce” his ear with a pneumatic staple gun

C) Let H.E. drive his Corvette

D) All of the above

9. The most unbelievable thing about HR is:

A) He was an extra in a major motion picture

B) He does not have a tattoo

C) Trained as an amateur power lifter by Kieran Kidder

D) All of the above


D) All of the above

Seriously dude, write a book.

80 responses

  1. yeaaah, somehow I figured 40 before I started 😛 . Jussst started reading up on his blog after you killed that bowl and yup certifiably crazy …..
    Happy Birthday HR 😀 !
    …..bake him a cake won’t you 😉

    March 19, 2012 at 1:14 am

    • Unless I did my math wrong, HR is thirty-six today. I’m the one who’s forty. Yeah, yeah I’ve heard it all. Cradle robber, I get it. What can I say? He was pretty.

      March 19, 2012 at 4:35 am

      • well there’s something I didn’t bargain for but enjoyed hearing nonetheless (^.^)….. Could’ve sworn I read 10 questions 😛

        March 19, 2012 at 6:53 am

        • Dude, hangovers have a tendancy to have that effect on people.

          March 19, 2012 at 7:57 am

    • Don’t tell her that. Didn’t you see what happend last time she cooked?

      March 19, 2012 at 7:29 am

      • Dammit man….. I was trying to be an evil genius …. Going by what you’ve told me, I’m guessing baking a cake would spawn a hit youtube video.

        March 19, 2012 at 10:55 am

        • You have no idea.

          March 19, 2012 at 10:58 am

          • Collateral damage dude, collateral damage.

            March 19, 2012 at 12:29 pm

  2. Flippin’ hek, junior looks exactly like him :O As I was going though the questions I was like, All of then, all of them, all of them … Holy Shit HR but I believe it. Happy Birthday to Sir M.

    March 19, 2012 at 2:47 am

    • And this is only the stuff I could put out on blogworld. You should hear the stuff that I couldn’t post.

      March 19, 2012 at 4:36 am

    • Flippin’ hek, you didn’t put that in your reference guide
      what the hell does that mean?
      I’m so confused.

      March 19, 2012 at 7:48 am

      • Its the Yorkshire way of say “Fucking Hell,” 😉

        March 19, 2012 at 1:14 pm

        • Sweet, I’m so putting that as my phone signature.

          I must have those reports by the end of the day.

          Sent from flippin’ hek

          March 19, 2012 at 2:42 pm

          • Phone signature, is that some technological term? 😛

            March 19, 2012 at 4:30 pm

  3. Geez , I thought I’d had a life (now where did I put that damned thing?) until I read this.
    I guess I just don’t have as much of a death wish/self-destruction quotient as Mr. Nightmare.

    It really is a bizarre twist that after pulling off all those crazy stunts he is still alive. Better write that book before the reaper comes a callin’.

    Happy Birthday, Youngster!

    March 19, 2012 at 3:44 am

    • What’s amazing is how fast all that stuff came to a screeching halt once our daughter was born. He’s an old man now.

      March 19, 2012 at 4:37 am

  4. OK H.E. you had your fun, now tell all these nice people the truth.

    I went to a boarding school in NY, I attended church every Sunday and all of this is a testament to your love of creative writing.

    Come on H.E. These people believe that I did all these things. Come clean now.

    March 19, 2012 at 5:56 am

    • Keep it up and I’ll tell everyone that you were also a stripper. Remember that?

      March 19, 2012 at 5:57 am

      • Anonymous

        wait….. What?! (0.o)

        March 19, 2012 at 6:46 am

      • It paid the bills and fixed the cars you kept destroying didn’t it?
        Besides other than those pictures of the batchelorette party,
        You can’t prove a god damn thing.

        March 19, 2012 at 7:33 am

        • Holy crap I forgot about that party! I’m telling you, you need to write a book.

          March 19, 2012 at 7:38 am

  5. Didn’t you already write a book about me?

    March 19, 2012 at 7:40 am

    • Fuck you, River. Write your own book.

      March 19, 2012 at 7:42 am

      • Ohhhhhhh now my eyes have been opened!…. Also, that anonymous guy was me trying a browser on my phone.

        March 19, 2012 at 10:57 am

        • Ahhh…mystery solved. 🙂

          March 19, 2012 at 10:59 am

  6. And he hasn’t met me yet… That’s when the real fun would begin…

    March 19, 2012 at 8:21 am

    • I have a feeling that if you and I hung out, even for an evening, the amount of money that insurance companies would have to pay out would put us back to using seashells as currency.

      March 19, 2012 at 9:14 am

      • I’m not saying I wouldn’t do it, I’m just saying we need to name it.


        March 19, 2012 at 9:15 am

        • I don’t know, HR. Sparkles may just give you a run for your money. 😉

          March 19, 2012 at 11:00 am

          • And H.E., you know me well…

            March 19, 2012 at 1:13 pm

        • You know everyone would want to have a sparkly nightmare, right?

          March 19, 2012 at 1:12 pm

          • Dear we team up, EVERONE would have a sparkly nightmare,
            How could they not? It would be world wide baby.

            March 19, 2012 at 2:44 pm

  7. Nice. Happy Birthday, HR…you should get a cake from DQ or something…just sayin’…

    March 19, 2012 at 8:24 am

    • Get a cake for DQ, Now I know you read my post.

      Sounds like a good idea. And safer.

      March 19, 2012 at 9:10 am

      • Ass.

        March 19, 2012 at 9:13 am

        • *points and laughs*…… This is funnnnn XD .
          For the record, I can safely make instant noodles, soup from a sachet aaaand…… yes! I can make sandwiches….. ohh, and once I mixed cookie dough just to eat it.
          …..I’m making a post out of this.

          March 19, 2012 at 11:02 am

          • I can make salad dressing rather well. That is if you don’t mind bits of broken glass and road gravel.

            March 19, 2012 at 11:04 am

            • Now I want you to explain the gravel.

              March 19, 2012 at 11:08 am

              • I can’t. Somehow it just gets into everything.

                March 19, 2012 at 12:04 pm

  8. God damn, this needs to be a book with a title like “No, I’m Not Fucking With You: All This Shit Is True, And I’ve Got the Scars to Prove It, Bitches – Volume 1.”

    March 19, 2012 at 10:44 am

    • I think it already has a title called, “Miami – Dade County Public Record.”

      March 19, 2012 at 10:47 am

      • Great. Now I can’t get the image of David Caruso out of my head, putting on his sunglasses as he looks off into the distance.

        “It means our nightmare is just beginning…..”

        March 19, 2012 at 10:56 am


          March 19, 2012 at 11:00 am

          • Ohhh I hate that guy and his sunglasses….. pretty happy when I found out ( in the 9th season I think it was) hat it’s from a swap :p .

            March 19, 2012 at 11:03 am

            • I always wondered how a dude that white didn’t get burnt to a crisp in Miami.

              March 19, 2012 at 12:03 pm

  9. Wow. I thought my husband was a wild bad ass in his youth until I read this. Now he looks like Dennis the Menace in comparison.

    Happy Birthday HR. Glad you are still around to receive all of these well-wishes.

    HE- were you an accomplice to any of those things listed above?

    March 19, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    • Oh yeah. But most significant is 2A, because I refused to sleep with him until he painted that wall. When he didn’t I broke up with him. The next day he painted the wall, quit number three and asked me to marry him.

      March 19, 2012 at 4:34 pm

      • Wait, wait quit #3? How the hell do you think I paid for the wedding?

        March 19, 2012 at 4:41 pm

        • Well that explains the hot dogs and RC Cola. You should have left your business cards somewhere classier than Stuckey’s.

          March 19, 2012 at 4:47 pm

          • I know. I should have gotten you SPAM instead of hotdogs. Now that’s class right there.
            And yet there must have been a reason you stuck around as long as you did.

            March 19, 2012 at 4:50 pm

            • You make pretty children. 🙂

              March 19, 2012 at 4:54 pm

              • I think it has more to do with HOW we made pretty children then the kids themselves.
                bow chicka wow wow

                March 19, 2012 at 4:56 pm

                • Such an ass. Don’t ever change. 😉

                  March 19, 2012 at 4:57 pm

                  • Wow. That’s what you said the first time we met. Times change but somethings stay the same.

                    March 19, 2012 at 5:02 pm

                    • Pretty Children! No, the most Amazing looking children ever!!

                      March 19, 2012 at 6:16 pm

                    • Thanks I try, I mean we tried.
                      ps. They got there cooking skills from me. 🙂

                      March 19, 2012 at 6:20 pm

                    • Yes but they got their looks for their mother 😉

                      March 19, 2012 at 6:24 pm

                    • Pissa point awarded to Ms. Megan

                      March 19, 2012 at 6:37 pm

                    • WOOOOOO! You weren’t that bad looking, Maybe the good looking gene just skips a generation 😀

                      March 19, 2012 at 6:41 pm

                    • yeah it skipped my parents.

                      March 19, 2012 at 7:22 pm

                    • Smug Bastard 😉

                      March 20, 2012 at 2:55 am

                    • awwww (^.^)

                      March 20, 2012 at 1:19 pm

  10. You wanna know what I just relized? No one has said anything about number 7. All the things I’ve done naughty, yes. But nothing about saving a bus load of children. The one thing in this post that shows HR has a heart and nothing. Weird.

    March 19, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    • saving a busload of children is completely and totally heroic, and spectacular and human.

      March 19, 2012 at 10:14 pm

      • Yes it is. 🙂

        March 20, 2012 at 4:44 am

  11. He has a heart. And a death wish. And more life by age 20 than most people ever have, apparently. Tell me, HR, did you deserve to be thrown through the car window by your dad?

    March 19, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    • HR will say that it was because of 5C, but it was really because he slept with this step-mother. By the way, you think HR is bad ass? HR’s old man had him beat by a mile. He only stood 5’3″ but he picked up and pitched 5’10” HR through that windshield like it was nothing.

      March 20, 2012 at 4:42 am

      • my mind is blown. officially.

        March 20, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    • Yep.

      March 20, 2012 at 5:28 am

  12. Hey! I noticed number 7! I’m just late to this party! That’s pretty cool, HR! Happy Birthday – you and the Cap’n share the same birthday!

    March 19, 2012 at 9:55 pm

    • There’s a Wonderbutt joke in there somewhere.

      March 20, 2012 at 4:46 am

  13. Holy shitski’s.. this dude sounds totally freaking, incredibly, epic!!!

    March 19, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    • What’s really funny is coming home to find him sitting on the edge of our daughter’s bed while she paints his fingernails pink. Such a good sport.

      March 20, 2012 at 4:47 am

      • Hey, it wasn’t pink. Pink makes me sound like a wimp. It was metallic pink. Now that’s bad ass.

        March 20, 2012 at 5:26 am

        • I seem to remember the bottle being marked, “Pretty Pretty Princess Pink.”

          You fool no one, HR.

          March 20, 2012 at 5:41 am

  14. Damn, what a stud. I will definitely read that book.

    March 20, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    • See HR? I told you your lack of impulse control would pay off someday! Now get to work on that book! Frank needs a double-barrel Holly carb.

      March 20, 2012 at 5:13 pm

  15. Pingback: The Sins of the Father Revisited | Black Box Warnings

  16. Pingback: CAPRICORN – The Insipid Wanker of the Blogosphere « H.E. ELLIS

  17. Pingback: CAPRICORN – The Insipid Wanker of the Blogosphere | H.E. ELLIS