The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Send In The Clowns

My family hates me.

Since I’m a bus driver and since it’s spring I’ve been taking advantage of some sweet, sweet overtime in the form of after school field trips. Unfortunately that leaves my empty bedroom fair game for my family and their twisted sense of humor.

If I’ve never mentioned it before let me say it now; I hate clowns. I mean, motherf–cking HATE clowns. And dolls. And mannequins. And ventriloquist dummies. Especially ventriloquist dummies. This information translates to one thought amongst my family members and that thought is this:

BUY MOM LOTS AND LOTS OF CLOWNS. AND DOLLS. AND VENTRILOQUIST DUMMIES.

Now, what I do love are clocks. This is the “get out of jail free” card my children played when explaining the motivation behind their latest purchase.

People, this is a clock with an ACTUAL photograph of an obviously disturbed individual posing as a clown. This uploaded photo doesn’t do justice to the three-dimensional illusion painstakingly added by the manufacturer to give it a more “life-like” quality. As if my screaming in surround sound wasn’t enough.

Then there is the double whammy junk punch of the sadistic Doll/Clown combo. Seriously, what child wants to play with these? I bet little John Wayne Gacy knew.

Last, but not least, is Mortimer. Yes, that is a ventriloquist dummy on top of my dresser and his name is Mortimer. MORT (death in Latin) – imer. Mortimer wants to eat my soul. I know because he whispers this over and over again all night long. I’ve made it a point to begin kicking puppies and stealing popsicles from small children in order to rid myself of my soul before he can get to it. That’ll show him.

I suppose this blog post can be summed up with the sad thought that my Busey clock is the most “normal” thing in my room.

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49 responses

  1. My 14 year old hates clowns. And the ice cream truck. One day a couple of years ago, our car was followed by an ice cream truck. Driven by a clown. It was the worst day of her life. I should buy her a Mortimer. I’m sure she’d appreciate it.

    March 31, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    • That poor, poor kid! I feel her pain. As for Mortimer, she can have mine.

      March 31, 2012 at 6:21 pm

  2. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH _______ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    I can’t friggin breath. Ok ok ok ok, would it make it better if I told you it was your daughter’s idea? Cause she loves you, in a good way.

    March 31, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    • That doesn’t surprise me one bit.

      March 31, 2012 at 6:21 pm

  3. That’s just cruel. As the saying goes, “I’m afraid of clowns. It may have something to do with being at a party and a clown killed my mother”.
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAgh

    March 31, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    • My mom went to clown college. Yeah, I’m drunk. I got nothing.

      March 31, 2012 at 6:44 pm

  4. A gang of traveling clowns raped our family dog when I was little.

    March 31, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    • Now I can’t get the image of ejaculatory confetti out of my brain. That’s right. I went there.

      March 31, 2012 at 6:45 pm

      • All I remember is my dad shaking his and saying: “I bet the bastards didn’t even give her a dog treat.”

        March 31, 2012 at 7:07 pm

        • Back in my day a clown would court a dog and seek approval from its owner before engaging in an act of forcible bestiality. What is the world coming to?

          March 31, 2012 at 8:01 pm

        • And that is how the pink curly haired poodle was created.

          March 31, 2012 at 8:04 pm

          • Dude, gross.

            March 31, 2012 at 9:03 pm

            • Just sayin. 🙂

              March 31, 2012 at 9:13 pm

              • *insert exasperated sigh here*

                March 31, 2012 at 9:20 pm

  5. See? This is why I need to come live with you. I could protect your pink bedroom from such things. I would decorate it with Jodi Picoult posters and a David Beckham comforter set. Yummy.

    March 31, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    • Ahhh…David Beckham. I say we tie him up and take turns.

      Wow. I really am drunk.

      March 31, 2012 at 6:48 pm

  6. As if the clowns and the dummy aren’t bad enough but . . . is your bedroom a revolting shade of pink? What they found in environmental color studies was that pink is initially calming but after about 15 minutes of exposure people start to get uneasy and unhappy. I’m surprised you haven’t lashed out and decapitated the suckers with your laser hot anger beam. Surely you must know your families weakest spots by now and are able to manipulate them like any good mother should. They give you clowns, repaint their bedrooms fuchsia and titty pink when they’re out. Revenge is just a can of hideous paint away. Maybe you even have some leftover cans of the atrocity currently marring your walls. Go on–Share The Ugly!

    March 31, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    • My God I love you.

      March 31, 2012 at 6:47 pm

  7. Head dammit–shaking his head! “Share the ugly”–what a great line.

    March 31, 2012 at 7:08 pm

  8. Uh…it’s the thought that counts? No?
    Well, in thanks, you can always take the kids out.
    And leave them there…

    March 31, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    • Apparently my children have an aversion to brooms and dust rags the way I do clowns. I have no other explanation as to why my house is a constant disaster.

      March 31, 2012 at 8:03 pm

  9. Whew! I saw all the clown picutres at first and thought this was a clown-worshipping blog! haha! Relieved that it is anti-clown.

    March 31, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    • Clown-worshipping blog? Oh man, I wish I’d thought of that.

      March 31, 2012 at 9:04 pm

  10. Just blogged about Edgar Bergen’s dummy, Mortimer Snerd. And the Word-Smith has never considered the meaning of that name. Do you get tornadoes? You could claim they got blown out the window.

    March 31, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    • Oh my God…are ALL dummies named Mortimer? That is beyond creepy. Not only are they soulless, dead-behind-the-eyes minions of hell but they are clones too?

      Great. Now I’m going to have to sleep with the lights on.

      March 31, 2012 at 9:19 pm

  11. Clown dummies will haunt your dreams, pissing rainbows and farting confetti. They will talk to you, telling you what they will do in your pink room with balloon animals.

    March 31, 2012 at 10:42 pm

    • All in a French accent. Yikes.

      April 1, 2012 at 9:17 am

      • oui oui on your face like a golden showaire

        April 1, 2012 at 12:46 pm

        • Oh my God you went there. Priceless.

          April 1, 2012 at 8:19 pm

          • Yeah. I went there on your face. I went on your face, there. Wait – priceless? You’re not charging? Cool beans.

            April 1, 2012 at 8:29 pm

            • What do you suppose the going rate is on allowing clowns to blow confetti wads all bukkake-like? Wait…what the hell are we talking about?

              April 1, 2012 at 8:42 pm

              • Don’t you love it in the face? My fault, I fear. I thought you’d want what want. Sorry, my dear. Where are the clowns? Send in the clowns. Don’t bother – they’re here.

                April 1, 2012 at 8:59 pm

                • And…scene. 😉

                  April 1, 2012 at 9:03 pm

  12. In the movie ‘Zombieland’ Jesse Eisenberg smashes in a clowns head with a hammer.
    ….. Just saying.

    April 1, 2012 at 2:04 am

    • Yes he does, and it was AWESOME.

      April 1, 2012 at 9:18 am

      • See, it proves that there’s always some good in the world….. you just have to look for it.

        April 1, 2012 at 9:20 am

  13. Also, why is your bedroom pink?! Not what I expected……

    April 1, 2012 at 2:08 am

  14. I am not scared of clown like a lot of people but Mort sounds scary.

    April 1, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    • He’s pure evil Megan, I shit you not.

      April 1, 2012 at 4:40 pm

      • HR just told me he is in control of it so I am sure its evil! ahaha

        April 2, 2012 at 8:29 am

  15. My God that is the scariest collection I have ever seen. If I wasn’t scared before, I am now. I’m sure I’ll remember that as I’m trying to fall asleep tonight.

    April 1, 2012 at 8:17 pm

    • You get used to sleeping with the lights on. With one eye open. Clutching a knife.

      I am sooo tired.

      April 1, 2012 at 8:20 pm

  16. How do they screen people at the clown employment agency? Like if you want to be a teacher they screen you for previous convictions, so I presume they do likewise for clown applicants – but being on the sex offenders list will get you an interview for sure.

    April 2, 2012 at 10:26 am

    • One does have to question the emotional stability of someone who chooses to wear face paint and fake fro-wigs and act like a sub-moronic ass.

      Never mind. I just described half of the Red Sox’s fan base.

      April 2, 2012 at 12:42 pm

  17. kat

    The only thing worse than the wall-o-clowns would be Bart Simpson’s clown bed . . . Can’t sleep, clown will eat me . . . can’t sleep, clown will eat me . . .

    April 11, 2012 at 9:31 am

    • OH GOD….Krusty. The idea of him is hilarious, the reality…..yikes.

      April 11, 2012 at 10:59 am

  18. Can’t sleep, clowns will eat me. Can’t sleep, clowns will eat me.

    April 17, 2012 at 3:30 am