The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

It’s the Easter Bunn–uh…Wallaby?

Spring has finally sprung, and with it our interview with everyone’s childhood favorite, the Easter Bunny.

Determined to get an interview with this elusive holiday icon, I cornered him in his underground den and discovered something I’d not expected. I open today’s interview with the question that should have been asked ages ago:

HE: Say…you aren’t really a bunny, are you?

EB: Well Maybe it is time to come clean, if you wanna call me a Bunny go ahead but being a Bunny is not very useful when you deliver eggs is it! I am a Wallaby, you see, I can put all the eggs in my pouch and then I don’t have to go back and forth with my basket. I am all about convenience, you know what I mean.

HE: What made you decide to color and hide eggs?

EB: Shots. In my College years (I did not do much studying) my friends and I enjoyed colorful shots. So I now pick colors by having a shot, coloring an egg, different coloured shot, and different colored eggs. The hiding part is a long story about my friend and his … well it’s a long story.

HE: How do you feel about children eating chocolate likenesses of you?

EB: As we have just been through, I am not a Bunny, never will be because it will never be practical! So the Kiddywinks can eat as many chocolate bunnies as they please.                        

HE: How do you feel about sharing a holiday with Jesus?

EB: My mum once told me that story, I did not really understand it, and I mean it’s a bit gloomy for a Holiday all about the Kids, you know? Plus to me, chocolate crosses would be awful to make and color, all that blood and gore is for Halloween, not my holiday.

HE: Is there more than one Easter Bunny?
EB: If you call me a Bunny one more time, you will be getting nothing! And no, I am the one and the only, mostly because nobody likes the low pay and low hours. I wish sometimes that I had maybe an Easter Camel, so I could pack even more eggs or a Donkey, Donkeys can carry a lot of stuff, even pregnant women I have heard.

HE: Did you want to be an Easter Bunny when you were a kid…uh, a joey?

EB: No, as I have said I went to College, I just didn’t do well, this was my fall back, I wanted to be a Football Mascot but I do not think there is much call for a Wallaby, maybe if I was a Dolphin or A Ram! I mean have you ever heard of a Wallaby before today?! Do you even know what I look like?!

HE: What do you do when you aren’t hiding eggs?

EB: Nothing, I drink, I try and think of new ideas for next year but with 5 joeys at home and one on the way, thinking does not happen a lot.

Thank you, Easter Bun–Wallaby, for this timely and insightful interview. Return April 22nd as we celebrate Earth Day with none other that Gaia herself!

18 responses

  1. Insightful interview. I do have a question for EB, if I may.

    I understand full solid color eggs and getting the idea from shots of one color;
    My question is what was the influence for the multi-colored eggs with glitter?

    Follow up: How were they originally made?

    April 7, 2012 at 7:30 am

    • Dude, get back to work.

      April 7, 2012 at 9:35 am

    • Multi-Coloured Jelly Shots? … but even the thought of them is making me wanna vom right now.

      April 7, 2012 at 1:28 pm

      • You solved it, vomit that must be where he got it from.

        April 7, 2012 at 1:31 pm

  2. Your under the impression I was Working in the first place. Silly

    April 7, 2012 at 10:34 am

    • Of…course.

      April 7, 2012 at 10:44 am

  3. Fabulous! I love the idea of an Easter Wallaby with a sexy Australian accent ready to throw back a shot or two!

    So I have to ask… are you cooking for dinner???

    April 7, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    • Uh…vegimite sandwiches.

      April 7, 2012 at 12:56 pm

  4. Wallaby, of course – it makes much more sense!

    (Least it aint a possum, I guess) 🙂

    April 7, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    • That would explain all the eggs I see hanging from trees, though.

      April 7, 2012 at 3:32 pm

  5. I knew that whole bunny thing was a sham!

    April 7, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    • Hmm….I think we need to create a holiday for Wonderbutt.

      April 7, 2012 at 6:38 pm

      • Every day is a holiday for that spoiled rotten dog!

        April 7, 2012 at 6:40 pm

  6. Nothing about the paternity suit against him by Cher?
    We’ve come to expect a higher standard of journalistic integrity in our holiday icon interviews.
    Murdoch must be behind this.

    April 8, 2012 at 10:25 am

    • Murdoch is behind everything, and if you ask me is probably responsible for Cher’s paternity suit.

      April 8, 2012 at 10:30 am

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