The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

My Secret Admirer – Fifteen

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did not have a winner, so click the trophy for a really out there post. I have no idea what I was thinking.

Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to

Dear Hellis,
My significant other and I have been looking to expand our sexual horizons. Expanding our twosome to a threesome is new territory for us. We weren’t sure where to start to look for our victim playmate. We found this website, perhaps you’ve heard of it. It’s called While the women on that site all seem willing, they  look like the skankiest skanks. Then I thought of you. Not that you’re one of the skankiest skanks or even a skank. But you’ve mentioned that it’s been awhile since you’ve been in a relationship with a man and so I’ll look great to you and your comments are filled with sexual tension and innuendo of a girl on girl nature so I know my significant other will be pleased. We’ve been following your blog for weeks now or maybe a few days. The days all run together so it’s hard to remember. I blame the alcohol or the drugs. So what do you say? The three of us together could party like rock stars and have wild monkey sex. I’m not exaggerating about the monkey sex. My back is very hairy so it will be like having sex with a monkey. My significant other is from France so she’s kinda hairy, too.
Sid & Nancy
Dear Sid and Nancy,
While I am flattered by your very hairy offer; I am going to decline as I have been burned in my past by getting involved in threesomes. First, my husband’s best friend fell in love with me and confessed his passions through song. Soon after my divorce this “friend” and I met up at a concert. Eventually we married and in time divorced, although I did get him to write another song for me. Since that marriage didn’t work out either I’ve decided to swear off all rockstar sex and instead I’ve devoted myself to picking up man-virgins at Comic Con. It’s worked out beautifully so far. They are always so grateful!





22 responses

  1. savorthefolly

    Okay, that was hilarious. I just want to rush on over and play with all that back monkey hair. *makes wild monkey noises*

    April 8, 2012 at 2:06 am

    • It cracked me up the first time I read it too. Who knew Sandy had it in her?

      April 8, 2012 at 7:14 am

  2. It is so awesome to laugh out loud so early in the morning…

    April 8, 2012 at 5:50 am

    • And on Easter Sunday too! I don’t want to think too hard on what Jesus might say.

      April 8, 2012 at 7:13 am

  3. I can not look at Sandy in the same way, ever again. Devoted yourself to virgins at Comic Con ahaha I wouldn’t do that either.

    April 8, 2012 at 6:32 am

    • Virgins are grateful, though. So there’s always that. 😉

      April 8, 2012 at 7:15 am

      • At least you have back up plan ahaha 😉

        April 8, 2012 at 7:19 am

        • Holy crap that’s funny!

          April 8, 2012 at 9:04 am

  4. Not my first guess, which is good and one of the points of the exercise. Nice job Sandy

    April 8, 2012 at 9:32 am

    • Miss Sandy is quite the talent. I can’t wait to read whatever she writes. *hint*

      April 8, 2012 at 9:49 am

  5. That sneaky Sandy, guessing someone else and everything.

    April 8, 2012 at 9:33 am

    • Sandylikeabeach – resident blog ninja.

      April 8, 2012 at 9:49 am

  6. It’s always the quiet ones…

    No, not sure if I’m referring to Sandy or Layla…

    April 8, 2012 at 10:19 am

    • Hmm…maybe Sandy is Layla. They are both hot blondes, after all. Now I’m suspicious.

      April 8, 2012 at 10:20 am

  7. I’m a quiet, hot, blonde blog ninja named Layla who likes monkey sex! I think I’ll try that out on an online dating profile, or not. It was a thrill to be your secret admirer, Ms. Ellis.

    April 8, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    • Isn’t it funny how thoughts look when you lay them out in print? Just this morning I wrote the following sentence in reference to a book I am working on:

      “Ghengis Khan is the deputy reaper who violates Jesus’s shitzu.”

      I shit you not.

      April 8, 2012 at 6:23 pm

      • But did you mean that in a good way?

        April 8, 2012 at 6:25 pm

        • savorthefolly

          probably depends on whether you ask the shitzu or not.

          April 8, 2012 at 6:59 pm

          • I tried but but he was in the shower crying and repeating
            Think of a happy place, think of a happy place.

            April 8, 2012 at 7:44 pm

            • Thanking of a happy place in the shower… Yes, sure he was crying HR, you believe that 😉

              April 9, 2012 at 4:20 am

  8. Ooops. Missed this one. Okay Sandy!

    April 8, 2012 at 7:43 pm