The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Love Letters Gone Wrong – Seventeen

It’s time time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to

This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who wished my Verynormal friend Megan a HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.


My dearest H. E.:

I am so glad I found you through the magic of the internet, because when I first laid eyes on your blog, I knew you were destined to be in a box under my bed.  Just like the girl who was kept captive in a box under someone’s bed in California in the late ’70s and early ’80s, you will of course be allowed to be outside of the box once I’m off work.  Unlike that case, though, there will be no torture involved (who do you take me for, after all?).  In fact, I won’t be abducting you while you are hitchhiking, like happened in that case, because I can’t afford the gas after all.  I just know that YOU know that you belong in a box under my bed, and you will drive here.  It would help if you’d bring the box too, because I don’t really like to do all that much when I’m not at work.  But, I will make an exception for you, because of the fact that we are destined to be together.

So, if that’s the case (that you are too lazy to build your own box) please send me all your measurements and how much extra room you think you need in the box, and I’ll commence to building the damn thing.  Let’s not overdo the size of it though; I don’t have a whole lot of headroom in the place, and I don’t really need to climb up in my bed with a stepladder.  Of course, there’ll be a lot of “headroom” in the whole place for you.  There will be “headroom” for us everywhere you and I go.  If you play your cards right, I may spend some time in your box with you.  I think the two of us might have some fun there, in your velvet-lined box.

The box will need to have ventilation, lighting, and some sort of bathroom facility built into it, so it would help if you could design all that in too.  I can tell that you are one of those modern women who can do such things, and figure all kinds of things out for yourself, and that the only time you will need to be submissive to any man is when I snap my fingers and tell you that it’s time for you to serve me in some way.

Your box will have to have an internet connection in it and you will be allowed to have a laptop, because I really enjoy your blog and you will want to keep communicating with the rest of the world with it, when you are not communicating with me by giving me lip service.  Plus you will want to work on your next novel, as we will need the extra income now that I will have an extra mouth to feed.  Maybe you could start a second blog; you could call it “Thoughts from my box” or “The world according to my box” or “I’ve got more going on in my plush little box than you do in your whole house” dot wordpress dot com, or some such thing.

Obviously you won’t need much for clothes at first; I will keep the heat up higher than I usually would while I’m at work, so that you can always be wearing nothing but lingerie.  Once I’m sure that you’ve “got your mind right” and aren’t going to think that you need more from life than a box under my bed and to serve me, daily, (hourly on weekends), then you will be allowed to spend more time outside the box.  I don’t expect you to be “thinking outside the box”, though, unless it’s to be thinking of ways to make me even happier.  I could go on and on about how much enjoyment your box will bring to both of us, but I think I’ve spent enough time fixating on your box for one night, don’t you?

Ever awaiting my chance to first lay eyes on your box,

I remain,

Your faithful servant

32 responses

  1. Whoa, this is sick. I mean, like sick. Where is 96? Did he just disappear? So if he didn’t, it’s him. Again. Or Hotspur.

    April 20, 2012 at 1:54 am

    • I thought 96 was the dude in the box.

      April 20, 2012 at 5:30 am

    • Two “sicks”–I’m honored.

      April 22, 2012 at 3:32 pm

  2. Hey look I’m guessin over here
    My vote was going to be for that lady of wonder Ms. Snap-a-do-da herself
    Ginger. That’s right I said it.

    April 20, 2012 at 7:22 am

    • HR votes Ginger-snap-a-do-da!

      April 20, 2012 at 9:59 am

      • I did? Oh yeah I did. 🙂

        April 20, 2012 at 10:23 am

    • Nice nickname- I like it!

      Nobody puts my baby Helena in a box. Or in a corner.

      April 20, 2012 at 8:01 pm

      • Glad you like the name, I was trying to figure out a way to make it shimmer so it would hold your atten

        April 20, 2012 at 8:53 pm

        • Did you say something?

          April 20, 2012 at 8:54 pm

          • Hey girl. Whats going on? Hey ! Wait I’m thinking of 2 things.
            1. I think you wrote this letter.
            2. You need a killer nickname like…Snap-a-do-da, or Ginger-snap-a-do-da.
            What do you think?

            April 20, 2012 at 9:52 pm

            • Thinking is not one of my favorite activities.

              The nickname is very shiny. I approve.

              April 20, 2012 at 10:05 pm

              • Oh good cause I already orderd the tee-shirts.

                April 20, 2012 at 10:13 pm

  3. savorthefolly

    *laughing my god damn ass off*

    April 20, 2012 at 9:06 am

    • The secret admirer is quite talented, no?

      April 20, 2012 at 12:09 pm

      • savorthefolly


        April 20, 2012 at 12:24 pm

  4. Kayjai!

    April 20, 2012 at 9:55 am

    • John votes Kayjai!

      April 20, 2012 at 9:59 am

  5. Warnings before pictures like that please. Cripes, it’s like a Pete Rose flashback up there.

    I vote John

    April 20, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    • El Guapos votes John! (Or the thinks the dude in the box is John).

      April 20, 2012 at 1:29 pm

  6. savorthefolly

    new photo caption: “stick your chubby in the box.”

    April 20, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    • thank you, Savor. Now all my coworkers want to know what I just guffawed about.

      April 20, 2012 at 1:45 pm

      • savorthefolly

        your welcome. my pleasure….

        April 20, 2012 at 1:52 pm

  7. H.E. that box makes you look good although you have grown a mustache since I saw you last.

    April 20, 2012 at 1:54 pm

      Let it be known from now on SHE is to be known as
      Queen Pissa.

      April 20, 2012 at 2:38 pm

      • Yes, yes, that honor goes to her. The only thing I could come up with was, “That man’s got one hell of a package.”

        April 20, 2012 at 5:41 pm

        • I’m still tearing up I’m so proud, and that man IS one hell of a package

          April 20, 2012 at 5:42 pm

  8. My vote is for Mr. BestBathroomBooks!

    April 20, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    • GingerSnaap votes for the King of Thrones himself, Les!

      April 21, 2012 at 9:34 am

  9. That picture is disturbing to say the least. I still have the shudders. I believe this letter set an all-time record for the word box. I counted 19, but I could be wrong. I fell asleep while counting them. I believe I will vote GingerSnaap.

    April 21, 2012 at 8:54 am

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