The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Earth Day Interview With Gaia

In celebration of Earth Day I’ve decided to take a moment to sit down with Gaia, the Earth Goddess. Hello, Gaia. Thank you for sitting down with us today.

Oh it’s so good to be here, or anywhere for that matter. And thank you for celebrating Earth Day. It’s a small step towards saving my beautiful creation. So many people are so fucking oblivious to what is happening to this magnificent planet it boggles the mind, so thank you for the opportunity to shed a bit of light.

It’s been an unusually warm winter here in the United States. What do you attribute that to?

Well, I certainly had nothing to do with it despite what Zeus may have told you. He tried to tell me I was just having a primordial hot flash, but he’s almost as stupid about these things as most of the people on the planet.  You people need to get your heads out of your collective asses and get a fucking clue. Do you think that over a century of burning coal and gas while at the same time  cutting down my beautiful trees on a massive scale is having no effect on the atmosphere? If you don’t get your act together soon, the Earth is going to resemble Venus.

The world’s population is about to reach seven billion people. How has this affected Earth as you see it?

It’s making it damn hard for me to see the Earth. You know, almost all of the world’s problems can be attributed to one thing – too many people.  When birth control was invented I thought you’d at least have the good sense to use it. But noooo. And now, people are a planetary problem. At least most of you seem to congregate in the same areas so there are still a few pristine places where you can experience this beautiful planet in all its glory.

You have quite the following among the New Age Hippie crowd. Which do you prefer as worshipers; the Hippies or the Greeks?

Ahhh, the Greeks – the wine, the debauchery, the bacchanalia – I love me a good bacchanalia. But then the Hippies, and not just the new age Hippies, but the old age ones, too, are all about peace and love and sex and getting high and hugging trees and the music.  Yes, I think the music  tips the scale in their favor.

I’ve done some research and discovered that you have over twenty children. Which one is your favorite?

I think it was way more than twenty but I lost count of the little bastards long ago. I know most mothers don’t refer to their offspring as little bastards but I never married any of their fathers, so they were all technically bastards.  Now I’m not going to give you the standard mommy lie of ‘I don’t have a favorite, I love them all the same,’ because that is such a crock of shit. Of course, every mother has a favorite, it’s just that some mothers are better at hiding it than others.  I simply adored Phoebe but Aergia was a huge disappointment.

Which God was the best in the sack?

Ahhh, I had some wild times with Uranus. There was nothing that guy wouldn’t do. And I mean NOTHING. It was SO hot! But he got a little mean in his old age so I got the kids to kill him.  Pontus was so much fun, too. We would do some role playing, the pirate scenario was my favorite – always a hoot.  Zeus had a huge ego, but sadly his manly parts weren’t so big.

How does it feel to be the original MILF?

Fucking fantastic! Though I prefer GILF or Goddess I’d Like to Fuck. There is fucking power in being so fuckable. Every woman deserves to feel like this. I think that’s what all those poser Wicca chicks are trying to achieve by invoking my name and dancing naked under the full moon.

What does Earth’s future hold for mankind?

I think you have that question backwards. It’s more a case of what does mankind’s future hold for the Earth. If you stay on your current path, the Earth is doomed.  Earth is the only fucking planet you have. It is a glorious planet full of beauty and wonder. It can feed you and sustain you. All she asks in return is that you take care of her and nurture her. So get a fucking clue. Recycle, reuse, embrace sustainable farming, find viable sustainable energy,  clean up the place. Tread lightly on the Earth and every now and then hug a tree.



43 responses

  1. Genius.

    April 22, 2012 at 8:23 am

    • That Gaia is a wise one. 🙂

      April 22, 2012 at 8:35 am

  2. Haha clever.

    April 22, 2012 at 8:38 am

    • Thanks! I’ve got a bunch more Holiday Interviews to come. About a years worth, actually.

      April 22, 2012 at 8:42 am

  3. This was a wonderfull interview. She seems like she’s hot (and not just in flash form) but seeing as I’m only mortal I don’t think I could hold a candle to Uranus, that guy is like a god. Anywho, after reading this I did try to go hug a tree and a squirrel bit me in the…. belt buckle. So I’m off to buy a diesel pickup truck.

    April 22, 2012 at 8:51 am

    • Well stop rubbing peanut butter on…nevermind.

      April 22, 2012 at 9:06 am

  4. Like anyone ever listens to the wisdom of their mother…

    April 22, 2012 at 9:24 am

    • Or any woman. Yeah that one’s going to get me slapped.

      April 22, 2012 at 9:33 am

      • Get over here.

        April 22, 2012 at 9:43 am

      • savorthefolly

        Naw…I wouldn’t slap you. I’d hold you down and let Uranus have a go at you.

        April 22, 2012 at 9:56 am

        • Man I wish I’d thought of that!

          April 22, 2012 at 10:16 am

          • I AM thinking of that, will there be a blindfold involved?

            April 22, 2012 at 11:08 am

            • savorthefolly

              I wouldn’t be so quick to put on the blindfold. You never know, you might find looking Uranus in the eye quite arousing.

              April 22, 2012 at 11:37 am

              • Seductive eyes can do more harm then good, so I’ll stick to the blindfold thank you.

                April 22, 2012 at 12:55 pm

                • savorthefolly

                  oh can they? do tell?

                  April 22, 2012 at 1:00 pm

                  • The power of seductive eyes have the ability to start wars, make a man fall to his knees and submit, heal a broken heart, create a broken heart, stop wars, feed the hungry, water the lawn and even bring balance to the mind.
                    Or just get you laid.

                    April 22, 2012 at 1:07 pm

                    • savorthefolly

                      all that and you want to wear a blindfold?

                      “they were standing in his driveway and he had asked her a question and then suddenly she realized she had on sun glasses and he couldn’t see her eyes. She wanted him to see her eyes and she ripped of the clip and their eyes met and he started slightly and she thought, “oh, he has blue eyes…”

                      April 22, 2012 at 1:13 pm

  5. savorthefolly

    hey there my sista, I’ve taken the plunge and ordered myself a bose sounddock system. *flutters hands and tries not to cry* sooooo exciting…

    pretty much blew the whole gift certificate wad. thanks for the link.

    April 22, 2012 at 11:39 am

    • No problem. At least now I know that fifteen year-old boys are good for something, even if it is just sound advice.

      April 22, 2012 at 12:08 pm

  6. Pretty cool chick! Now if only she’d tell me where all her treasure is buried.
    Wait, let me rephrase…

    April 22, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    • How uncharacteristically naughty of you, El Guapo. I’m so proud.

      April 22, 2012 at 1:51 pm

      • Nice, now we can say El G’s spot is #4 on the pissa ranking chart.

        April 22, 2012 at 1:58 pm

        • GAH!! You’re gonna scare him away!

          April 22, 2012 at 2:02 pm

          • Sorry, forgot they were fragile at this stage of development.

            April 22, 2012 at 2:09 pm

            • In my case, it’s a matter of relearning everything I’ve unlearned…

              April 23, 2012 at 8:28 am

              • Patience, Grasshopper…

                April 23, 2012 at 8:34 am

  7. Stellar interview as always! Can’t top any of the Uranus comments… so I’ll just leave it at that. Peace 🙂

    April 22, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    • Peace. Very fitting today. 🙂

      April 22, 2012 at 3:15 pm

      • savorthefolly

        🙂 *peaceful eyed grin*

        April 22, 2012 at 3:18 pm

  8. Philosophical + Humor = Brilliant

    April 22, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    • Thanks, Angle!

      April 23, 2012 at 8:11 am

  9. Uranus. He. Hehe. AHAHAHAHA! Uranus jokes never get old.

    April 23, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    • Such a fun planet. 🙂

      April 24, 2012 at 8:28 am

      • Once you get past the rings it’s all smooth sailing.

        April 24, 2012 at 8:37 am

        • I thought it was classified as a gas giant?

          April 24, 2012 at 8:39 am

          • Epic fail: you’re doing it wrong.

            April 24, 2012 at 8:44 am

      • I hear it’s going to shit, though. 😉 By the way – I read your book! Good for you – I absolutely loved it! Kept me turnin’ pages til the very end. Very nice character set-ups.

        April 24, 2012 at 11:44 am

        • Thanks! I’m working on book two now so that’s good to hear.

          April 24, 2012 at 12:00 pm

  10. Awesome! And the “poser Wicca chicks” made me laugh … may I steal that one? 🙂

    April 26, 2012 at 3:47 am

  11. jennifer

    i hope people do get a clue! i love this earth and appreciate Gaia’s words.
    did you make the artwork? it’s beautiful!

    May 29, 2012 at 1:50 am

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