The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Love Letters Gone Wrong – Eighteen

It’s time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to

This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who’s new to my blogroll:





The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.


Dear H,

I’ve come to realize I am the only one for you, just because I may have let’s say “taken care” of the competition. But as I am writing this note on my clip board as a wander aimlessly around your house, don’t worry as to how I managed to get in but I can say I will pay for the hole in the roof.


That aside I must say, your choice of furniture is peculiar but the way it is (after I’ve made alterations) set out is pure amazing… I hope you like it. The only flaw for my love for you, is that your home does not have easy access to someone of my height but that said armed with my trusty foot stool I was able to reach those hard to get spots even managing to climb into your bed, my plan was to wait for you to come home to find me waiting for you but instead I decided to unpack all my clothing into what I presume is your wardrobe, and after going through just about all your clothing and admiringly wearing some items I might just have to take you shopping so that I can buy us matching vest tops that express our love for Snow White. As part of my work being a dwarf mob boss I am pleased to say anything or anyone you want can be dealt with making it easier for us to be together, money or resources are not an issue as you can see by the new jungle gym now found in your yard.


I have also assigned security to your kids and they are now on route to keep them safe you might want to drop them a call and tell them that the small green bushes that follow them with guns are there for their own protection. On that note I’m off for some shopping and I have some things to take care of, ill be back in a day or two.

Lots of love from but one of the 7 dwarves who now lives with you


P.s I think I left a gun in one of the draws please take case as it is loaded.

35 responses

  1. Gonna go with the Hobbler.
    (she has a thing for dwarves, I hear.)

    April 27, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    • Ahhh….Dwarvesaphelia. Good to know. And that makes our first vote for the Hobbler.

      April 27, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    • Only the sexy ones.

      April 27, 2012 at 12:15 pm

      • Are there any other kind?

        According to Wikipedia a dwarf is “defined as an adult with a height of less than 4 feet 10 inches.”

        Yeah, I’m 4’11”

        April 27, 2012 at 12:22 pm

        • Good things come in small packages. 😉

          April 27, 2012 at 12:24 pm

          • Said the woman.

            April 27, 2012 at 1:04 pm

            • Too big to be a dwarf, but still a little shite.
              And by law you need to drive with a booster seat.
              I’m going to go with the voices in Hobbler’s head.

              April 27, 2012 at 1:40 pm

              • I got your booster seat right here, buddy.

                HR votes for Hobbler.

                April 27, 2012 at 1:47 pm

              • Weird…the voices said people were talking about me and I look here…

                April 28, 2012 at 4:16 pm

            • Lol. Hey, I am not sure which day, but Hotspur is letting us take over his blog…do you want to help?

              April 27, 2012 at 1:47 pm

              • HOTSPUR?? REALLY??

                Guh….I think I just came a little. Sign me the fuck up.

                April 27, 2012 at 1:54 pm

                • You are so funny. Okay, I’ll keep you up to date. He’s not going to know what hit him.

                  April 27, 2012 at 2:02 pm

        • I’ve got an inch an a half on you, so if I stand next to you I’ll know what it feels like to be tall, unless you’re wearing stilettos! Though I’m just happy to know I exceed the height requirements for dwarfs.

          April 27, 2012 at 5:23 pm

          • I don’t generally wear heels, although I had a pair of biker boots once that made me 5’2″. I liked those!

            April 27, 2012 at 7:08 pm

  2. Megan’s boyfriend…What? I know stuff….

    April 27, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    • Uber Kewl Kayjai votes for Megan’s Nerdy boyfriend, Ben.

      April 27, 2012 at 12:07 pm

  3. My vote – Buddakat.

    April 27, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    • Mheretowrite votes Buddakat!

      April 27, 2012 at 12:23 pm

  4. I vote for Doc. I never trusted that bastid.

    April 27, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    • I agree. They should have named him “Pervy” or “Creepy” or “Peeks at you when you’re getting dressed.”

      April 27, 2012 at 12:49 pm

  5. The opening sentence just screams out Hobbler.

    April 28, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    • JP screams HOBBLER!

      April 28, 2012 at 1:02 pm

      • Thanks for the edit, i hate when that happnes.

        April 28, 2012 at 1:06 pm

        • no Sweet. hapPens tome all the tyme…

          April 28, 2012 at 1:09 pm

          • Am likening to put the translator to prevent the happenings like this.

            April 28, 2012 at 1:18 pm

      • It happens a lot….mostly when I run over people’s toes with my wheelchair, but as long as they are screaming my name, I am happy.

        April 28, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    • Thanks for the PR John.

      April 28, 2012 at 4:18 pm

      • No problem. Always willing to Put in a word for my friends.

        April 28, 2012 at 6:53 pm

  6. I’ll scream the Hobblers name too, as long as she doesn’t do to me, what she did to poor Hotspur.

    April 28, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    • Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about it, Archon. She only saves reactions like that for those she really, really, likes. 🙂

      April 29, 2012 at 9:40 am

  7. I am with E.G. Hobbler it is

    April 29, 2012 at 9:05 am

    • Sights votes Hobbler!

      April 29, 2012 at 10:18 am