The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Love Letter Gone Wrong – Nineteen

It’s time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to

This week’s love letter was written by a blogger who took the time to comment on my OPEN LETTER post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.

Oh, Heidi, Heidi. Christ almighty,
how I do love thee?
Thy witty prose, thy way with words,
pure amazes me.

I would write for you a poem
if I only could.
But when I think about you
I part turn into wood.

It gets so hard and painful
I can scarce endure.
And in case you’re doubtful,
that’s not bull manure.

It’s not the type of wood with which
I heat my home at night.
It is instead so warm and smooth,
and could give you great delight.

But the miles that lie between us,
so many in their count,
make it so unlikely
that you I’ll ever mount.

My wife would be heartbroken
if she knew to you I write.
But I’ll be thinking of you
when I’m doing her tonight.


19 responses

  1. Gaonna go with John this time around.

    May 4, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    • John gets the first vote.

      May 5, 2012 at 7:05 am

  2. I reserve comment. Ummmm, I mean El Guapo!

    May 4, 2012 at 11:26 pm

    • John votes El Guapo!

      May 5, 2012 at 7:06 am

  3. I’m voting for Les.

    May 5, 2012 at 6:29 am

    • Sandy votes Les!

      May 5, 2012 at 7:06 am

  4. After carefully considering all the posable canadaties,
    And taking into accord the wonderful use of imagagery, gramer and rhymes.
    I have concluded only one person could have written with such passion,
    And I have NO idea who that is. I will forgo a guess this time around.

    May 5, 2012 at 8:40 am

    • Sigh…

      May 5, 2012 at 6:21 pm

      • No I don’t think he was in the running, and who the hell is sigh anyway?

        May 5, 2012 at 6:55 pm

        • Dick. How ’bout him? Wanna vote for him?

          May 5, 2012 at 7:33 pm

          • I can’t vote for Dick, I’m not really keen on his views, ok I will say he’s a pretty straight shooter, stands up for what he believes in, and spits in the eye of the opposers. But I really can’t vote for a guy who hangs out with a bunch of nuts.

            May 5, 2012 at 7:43 pm

            • It’s like you’re channeling Hotspur or something.

              May 5, 2012 at 8:01 pm

              • No I’m bigger.

                May 5, 2012 at 8:06 pm

                • Yeah, I’m not touching that.

                  May 5, 2012 at 8:11 pm

                  • Aaannd Scene. Exit stage left.

                    May 5, 2012 at 8:21 pm

  5. I’m with HR, no idea, but I like to win stuff, so Harem Master would be my choice.

    May 5, 2012 at 10:09 am

    • Mr. Phillips votes for the Harem Master.

      May 5, 2012 at 6:21 pm

  6. And I agree with Mr. Phillips, I also think it’s his Northern Neighbour, The Harem’s Master.

    May 5, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    • Archon votes for his compatriot, the Harem Master!

      May 5, 2012 at 8:11 pm