The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

My Secret Admirer – Nineteen

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, so click the trophy to the right for this week’s winning blogger.

Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to



Oh, Heidi, Heidi. Christ almighty,
how I do love thee?
Thy witty prose, thy way with words,
pure amazes me.

I would write for you a poem
if I only could.
But when I think about you
I part turn into wood.

It gets so hard and painful
I can scarce endure.
And in case you’re doubtful,
that’s not bull manure.

It’s not the type of wood with which
I heat my home at night.
It is instead so warm and smooth,
and could give you great delight.

But the miles that lie between us,
so many in their count,
make it so unlikely
that you I’ll ever mount.

My wife would be heartbroken
if she knew to you I write.
But I’ll be thinking of you
when I’m doing her tonight.


Thank you, kind sir
for your letter to me
that I read many times
while I sat in the tree

outside of the window
that looks onto your bed
and watched you make love
to a woman in red

who called out a name
that I didn’t quite hear
and then something about
something else in her rear

that I assumed meant you’d used
a bit too much force
which makes total sense since
you’re hung like a horse

but when she complained
how it started to burn
all I could think of was,
“When’s it MY turn?”





5 responses

  1. Nothing like winning. I’ll refrain from an analysis on why I picked the Harem’s master, and only use my acceptance speech to gloat a bit. I win, I win, I win. I think 3 I win’s can be considered a bit.

    May 6, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    • Gloat away because it’s your day!!!

      May 6, 2012 at 12:04 pm

  2. Must have been the firewood that gave me away. Love your reply, HE.

    May 6, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    • What can I say? I was inspired. 😉

      May 6, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    Now we’re shipping good American books to Canada?

    And your response was as disturbing as the letter.
    Kudos! 😉

    May 7, 2012 at 8:31 am