The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Love Letters Gone Wrong – Twenty

It’s time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to

This week’s love letter one wrong was written by a one of my Blogs With Books authors. Check out this page and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.




Dear Heloise Ecclesiastes Ellis,


I remember the first time I laid eyes on you.  I was in kindergarten.  You wore a blue dress and smelled of huckleberry (I distinctly remember it as huckleberry because even back then I was looking stuff up on Wikipedia).  I moved in closer to admire you as you finger-painted fiery orange and red and black with a yellow stripe running down the middle of the artpaper.  I touched the gauzy film of your petticoat and you punched me in the face, shattering my nose in thirty-two places. It was only later that I realized what a gift that was, as my new proboscis bears an uncanny resemblance to Edward Hotspur’s penis.


As we grew older in the small town of Valentine (I’ve always wanted to give you one—a small town, not a Valentine), I realized that even though I could sing and dance, I wasn’t gay enough to keep from wanting you, even after I figured out that you are a woman—a small woman with big breasts and all the energy of a Red Bull factory wired by Nikola Tesla while Benjamin Franklin flies a kite on top of the building with a key attached to the string with a 12 gauge copper wire attached to the key so that when the whole thing electrifies from lightening, it is conducted back to the factory, which is you I think, though I got kind of lost when I started talking about wiring, as I’m not an electrician.


As the years flew by and you became more stacked and stacked tire after tire after tire in that random field by the pond (I worked at the Goodyear Plant and would dump them there just to give you something to do), I began to realize that you would never love me, not like you love Prince Charming and Junior.  And I knew that the shit I say would never be as meaningful as the shit your kids say, but I would yell “Shit, shit, shit?” as I hauled tires back and forth, and you would post pictures of snowy trees on your blog and I knew you saw me in every frozen leaf, especially the ones where I actually glued my picture to the leaf,  with Edward’s Penis above my lips, those lips screaming out from every gluey leaf, screaming, “Love me, Love me, Love me!”


I know you think needy men are pussies, but it isn’t so much need as the desire of several teenage boys wrapped together like a duct-taped suitcase filled with the masculine love of an older, unneedy salt and pepper gentleman with a moustache (moustache rides are free by the way).


And then, one day, I was up on the roof with a couple of tires I’d hauled up there (I thought that would be a new challenge since you’re getting tired of the Thunderdome) and you said in that husky voice of yours:


“Hey, Asshole.  I’ve got a gun and I’m going to blow you a new one!”


And when that bullet went through me I knew in my heart (the bullet was actually in my heart with all the other feelings) that you really did care.  You really did.  No one shoots someone unless they really care about them, or they just wish they had a penis like Edward Hotspur’s and they’re frustrated.


You’re the former, not the latter.  So I climbed down the ladder, my former self wondering why I was bleeding so profusely, and you met me at the window, the same one you like to lick so much, and before I passed out, I swear we had something real between us.


It was a tire.



35 responses

  1. hahha 😀 good stuff…. Also, too many references to EH’s penis.

    May 11, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    • There’s no such thing as too many penis references.

      May 12, 2012 at 7:44 pm

      • You’re thinking of boobs. There’s no such things as too boob references. 😛

        May 12, 2012 at 10:48 pm

  2. You should see the face I am pulling right now, It made my little sister run away ….

    May 11, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    • I am glad a face is all you’re pulling.

      May 12, 2012 at 7:45 pm

  3. It must be EH. Nobody else is that clever.

    May 11, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    • Edward Hotspur’s penis is our first guess!

      May 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm

  4. I’m not going to guess because I want to get away from the post and get this out of my head.
    Delightfuly disturbing though.

    May 11, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    • I don’t blame you one bit.

      May 12, 2012 at 7:47 pm

  5. No guess, but 32 places? With one punch? My, my, my. Do NOT mess with this lady!!!!

    May 11, 2012 at 5:27 pm

    • It is scary how eerily accurate this is. I really did punch a kid in the nose in Kindergarten while finger painting! The only thing that doesn’t apply is the husky voice. Mine is little girlish.

      May 12, 2012 at 7:50 pm

  6. If his nose looks like my penis, then my penis must look like a nose. THAT’S why I need so much tissue lately. Will someone come blow my nose for me?

    Oh, sorry. Am I throwing everything off because that picture looks like my avatar? By the way, those lilies that are pink in the picture are already 2 feet tall. They’ll get up to 5 feet tall towards the middle of summer. Just like my penis.

    May 11, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    • Shopping for Viagara at the Home Depot I see.

      May 12, 2012 at 7:52 pm

      • When I want to find hard wood, I just look in my pants.

        May 12, 2012 at 8:26 pm

        • Folly & the Wrong Men

          It’s okay Hotspur if you have a hard woody for me. so it turns out you get off on having women yell at you. I’ve certainly heard of stranger fetishes.

          May 12, 2012 at 10:36 pm

          • Turns off I get out, you mean.

            May 13, 2012 at 7:59 am

          • You’ve certainly EXHIBITED stranger fetishes.

            May 13, 2012 at 8:02 am

            • Folly & the Wrong Men

              FINALLY! Look Hotspur, I am very very sorry I took my upset out on you. and yes I’m sure I totally turned you off with my big fat bout of crazy. I would certainly understand if you wanted to get as far away from me as possible after I flipped out like that – but I was hoping we had had enough of a history and friendship that you would see that I was in a very bad place and that the vast majority of the time I’m a pretty good friend.

              I am asking you to forgive me. I would like to be friends again.

              May 13, 2012 at 8:27 am

              • And you attempted to bring this about by claiming that I’m either stupid or in love/lust with you – just now?

                May 13, 2012 at 8:34 am

  7. Great letter, too much penis though. Whatever happened to that tire stack of yours, anyway?
    Hey, my diminutive clown-fearing friend, feel free to edit this part out if you want (so as not to give HR any ideas, you know), but I thought you might like this little story I saw today:

    May 11, 2012 at 7:42 pm


      May 12, 2012 at 7:55 pm

  8. Well, I can’t believe EH is that much of an egoist so, I’ll guess Mr. Borden.

    Actually, IMHO there weren’t near enough mentions of EH’s penis.

    May 11, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    • My Friend Greg votes for the great JB!

      May 13, 2012 at 10:44 am

  9. Very um…. interesting letter. I think I will move along now.

    May 12, 2012 at 10:45 am

    • Yes, yes, nothing to see here…

      May 12, 2012 at 7:55 pm

      • And I am pretty happy about that

        May 12, 2012 at 9:56 pm

  10. Folly & the Wrong Men

    Hotspur refuses to talk to me anymore. has something to do with me yelling at him and revealing the true nature and depth of my madness. shocked the hell out of me. I would have figured him for the type to have a high tolerance for nut jobs like me. go figure. I say if he doesn’t want to be my friend, he can’t really be all that clever.

    May 12, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    • Folly & the Wrong Men

      my alternate theory is that he has such a huge boner for me he’s afraid he’ll lose all control of himself if he even speaks one more word to me. yeah….I like that theory best of all. most of all though, I love just typing that theory. I figure that he can stop talking to me, but that doesn’t mean I have to stop talking to him. My new hobby will be heckling Hotspur and his snot filled penis.

      May 12, 2012 at 6:44 pm


        May 12, 2012 at 7:30 pm

        • Folly & the Wrong Men

          He’s crazy about me. It’s clear. There can be no other interpretation.

          May 12, 2012 at 9:59 pm

          • Uhm…I am fairly certain Mr. Hotspur’s penis is spoken for.

            May 13, 2012 at 12:46 am

            • It’s married. It has a ring and everything!

              May 13, 2012 at 5:10 pm

      • I was only joking with my comment, and I’d like to send an apology email if you’ll let me, Savor. Please. My email is

        May 13, 2012 at 10:05 am

        • Sucka! Now I’m gonna sign you up for all kinds of filthy pornography and Sears catalogs and junk! So when you start getting 5000 emails a month from Shit I Don’t Need dot Com, don’t be surprised.

          May 13, 2012 at 5:13 pm