A quasi writer avoiding life through Zen meditation and grain alcohol

Love Letters Gone Wrong – Twenty-One

It’s time for another round of LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG! Every Friday I feature a LOVE LETTER GONE WRONG submitted by an anonymous blogger. Sunday morning I reveal the secret admirer’s identity with a link to the blogger’s home page. If you’d like to submit some truly heinous love letters please send them to heellisgoa@gmail.com.

This week’s love letter one wrong was written by a blogger who commented on the TOP TEN SPaM post. Check out this post and then return to the comments here to guess who the secret admirer is. The first correct guess wins a free copy of my ebook.


Maybe it was your name, and how Heellis reminded me of the high heels I fantasized you wearing, or maybe it was the way you smelled as you walked past me, not seeing me hiding behind the flower pot. Whatever it was, I am in love and I want you, even for a minute. I have this ring that it stole from my dead grandmother and I want you to have it, I want you to wear it, forever.

I know you love another, but that can change, anything can change if we want it to. Forget him, I am better, stronger, faster. I am the Bionic man, I am Superman, I am Spider man, I can be your hero if you let me.

As I sit in front of my computer, looking at porn, I think of you and I think of us, and how wonderful it would be if you said yes to a date. Just a date you say, but for me it would be the world. So what if I am 53 and never had a date. I watch movies, I know how to act, even if they don’t believe me. They who work here, and watch me and give me the medications it takes to help me deal with my insanity.

For you I would do anything. For you I would trade this straight jacket for a tuxedo and sweep you off your heels and …I love heels…I am getting sidetracked again, it is like that when the voices in your head talk constantly now where was I? Sweep you off your feet and into my arms.

So what do you say? Do you want to date? Let me know, or better still, let the guards in my cell know that you want to date.

Yours truly,



15 responses

  1. I’m going to guess SightsnBytes. I think that nice guy, humorous exterior hides a wicked sense of humor interior. Like Twix bars. Or something.
    Plus, there’s no cursing, so I doubt it;s Kayjai.

    May 25, 2012 at 10:27 am

    • Since he stole my answer…

      I’m going to guess SightsnBytes. I think that nice guy, humorous exterior hides a wicked sense of humor interior. Like Twix bars. Or something.

      Plus, there’s no cursing, so I doubt it;s Kayjai.

      May 25, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    • El Guapo votes SightsnBytes!

      May 27, 2012 at 7:46 am

  2. Oh crap, I don’t know, but it is a very polite letter. If I knew who your most polite reader was I would win.
    But I don’t.

    May 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    • Who knew I had a polite reader?

      May 27, 2012 at 7:47 am

  3. I don’t think it’s John, ’cause he’s got nothing to say….or Guap to say….or somethin’.

    May 25, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    • Yeah, John talks a lot of Guap.

      May 27, 2012 at 7:47 am

  4. I think it’s Edward Motherfucking Hotspur, because that guy is such a douche that his name shows up with a little red line under it, EVEN THOUGH “Motherfucking” DOES NOT! That’s how loserly he is. Loserly, another line. Does Hotspur = Loserly? Has the same amount of numbers, which is zero. Coincidence? I think not!

    Anyway, so the three pigs gathered at the third pig’s house, which was made of bricks. The wolf showed up and went ‘holy shit! Why does this house stink so bad?’ And the little pigs answered ‘you scared us so bad we were shitting bricks, and we used those shit bricks to build this house!’ And the wolf was never smelled from again, because he lost his motherfucking Appetite for destruction album by Guns and Roses. And this is why Guns and Roses broke up, later reforming as ‘Guns and Roses who suck now’.

    May 25, 2012 at 7:23 pm

  5. wtf?

    May 26, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    • My thoughts exactly. 🙂

      May 27, 2012 at 7:48 am

  6. Ok I have waited long enough. I have a guess. It is no other then the split personality of Hellis herself.
    That’s right I guess YOU!
    But then again it could be some guy named Carl who lives in a shack next to the burger king on Central ave in New Mexico.

    May 27, 2012 at 8:14 am

    • Seriously?

      May 27, 2012 at 8:21 am

      • Yep, I posted this comment about 20 seconds before you posted the answer.

        May 27, 2012 at 8:25 am