The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

My Secret Admirer – Twenty-One

It’s time for this week’s LOVE LETTERS GONE WRONG secret admirer big reveal! This week we did have a winner, so click the trophy to the right for this week’s winning blogger.

Here’s a recap of Friday’s post as well as my response at the bottom. If you’d like a free copy of my ebook take a guess or send a love letter gone wrong to


Maybe it was your name, and how Heellis reminded me of the high heels I fantasized you wearing, or maybe it was the way you smelled as you walked past me, not seeing me hiding behind the flower pot. Whatever it was, I am in love and I want you, even for a minute. I have this ring that it stole from my dead grandmother and I want you to have it, I want you to wear it, forever.

I know you love another, but that can change, anything can change if we want it to. Forget him, I am better, stronger, faster. I am the Bionic man, I am Superman, I am Spider man, I can be your hero if you let me.

As I sit in front of my computer, looking at porn, I think of you and I think of us, and how wonderful it would be if you said yes to a date. Just a date you say, but for me it would be the world. So what if I am 53 and never had a date. I watch movies, I know how to act, even if they don’t believe me. They who work here, and watch me and give me the medications it takes to help me deal with my insanity.

For you I would do anything. For you I would trade this straight jacket for a tuxedo and sweep you off your heels and …I love heels…I am getting sidetracked again, it is like that when the voices in your head talk constantly now where was I? Sweep you off your feet and into my arms.

So what do you say? Do you want to date? Let me know, or better still, let the guards in my cell know that you want to date.

Yours truly,




How touching it is that you care so much. I can tell you are devoted and loyal, and believe me, you will be rewarded. I think it is quite appropriate and fitting that you watch movies, especially porn, which by now should have exposed you to what you will be in for.

By way of a taste of our time together, let me say that while I find the offer of your grandmother’s ring touching, the only ring I will accept from you is the one I want binding your collar closed. Until we are together, please imagine what I have planned, beginning with me oh-so-gently slipping the ball gag into your devoted mouth, cinching it tight, and then whispering in your ear:


I assume you have no aversions to whips given your situation.


H.e. ELLis





14 responses

  1. BTW, I’m going to need those heels back by Thursday please.

    May 27, 2012 at 8:28 am

    • Absolutely. Size 10 doesn’t fit anyway.

      May 27, 2012 at 8:34 am

    i’d like to thank the makers of Cheez Whiz for this auspicious occasion, and to encourage every last one of you to follow your dreams and don’t ever give up, because one day…one day, the magic can happen to you. Just like it did to me!!!!!!!

    WOOHOO! Suck it Kardashians!

    What? Too much?

    May 27, 2012 at 8:54 am

    • CONGRATULATIONS EL GUAPO! Tell him what he’s won, Jim!

      “Why you’ve won an all expense paid trip to beautiful, scenic New Limerick, Maine – where the men are men and the moose are afraid. There you will stay at the Deer Tick Inn and enjoy a free continental breakfast of lobster roe and clam jerky. Sound too good to be true? Well wait…there’s more!

      In addition to your four star accommodations you’ll be the winning recipient of the latest installment of THE GODS OF ASPHALT series, namely Book Two (upon its completion). Book Two follows River’s quest to confront his mother, find his father, and discover the true meaning of family. Oh, and there’s drag queens. Lots and lots of drag queens.”

      May 27, 2012 at 9:18 am

      • Holy crap, the Deer Tick Inn and the next book???
        I’m gonna be the coolest guy at the Joan Baez Lookalike Competition For Men this year!

        May 27, 2012 at 12:18 pm

        • Are you kidding? You’re a shoe-in!

          You know, I hear the winners of that contest qualify for the “Young Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians” Competition. Bruce Jenner’s the current reigning champ but you can take him!

          May 27, 2012 at 12:25 pm

          • If only that were true. While I’ve trimmed my mustache down to just a harelip, I hear Patton Oswalt and Martina Navratilova (she’s a guy, isn’t she?) are entering this year.
            And I had my heart set on that GE Kitchen Magic Tortilla machine. And the years supply of Turtle Wax…

            May 27, 2012 at 12:29 pm

            • BUMMER!!

              Well, let’s not let that mustache go to waste. I did some research and found a couple of other contests you can enter. If I were you I’d go with either the “Third Annual John Waters Look-a-like” contest or the “Creepy French Guy who uses his culture as an excuse to explain why he grabs your ass on the subway” competition. The award is the same for either contest: A year supply of Rice-A-Roni. It’s worth its weight in carbs!

              May 27, 2012 at 12:58 pm

  3. Edward Hotspur

    I;m in the shower……….can you call back later?

    May 27, 2012 at 10:43 am

    • Dude…put it on speaker phone!

      May 27, 2012 at 10:59 am

      • Ok, ok, if you 2 are done skyping each other can we go back to the blog thing? Thank you.

        May 27, 2012 at 4:34 pm

      • Hellis: “Please be a video phone! Please be a video phone!*

        May 27, 2012 at 6:36 pm

        • Sorry Mr. Hotspur her phone still has a rotary dial. Mine on the other hand….

          May 28, 2012 at 8:36 am

          • The other hand? What’s in the first hand? A Vienna sausage?

            May 29, 2012 at 9:55 pm