The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Shit My Kid Does – Four

My real world life is such a circus that at times I find it hard to believe it’s not really some pre-scripted reality show set to make higher powers roar with laughter. Don’t believe me? Well here’s an example:


A family of five strolls down the fairway of carnival. The smell of fried dough and the musical stylings of a local garage band permeate the warm night air. In the lead is youngest daughter BabyGirl, holding a rainbow flashing scepter and donning a white fringed cowboy hat won for her by her father. Following closely is oldest son Prince Charming, angst-ridden, attempting his best Edward Cullen impression. Last in line is middle child, Junior. All are walking at a leisurely pace through the crowd until…


Suddenly, to the horror of the parents, the first few notes of Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline pour out of the large speakers framing the stage behind them. Both adults catch each others gaze, knowing full well what’s to come.

As if in a reoccurring nightmare that they are powerless to stop, mother and father turn slowly to look at Junior who himself is staring at Prince Charming, his eyes wild with evil contemplation. In slow motion the father reaches out for Junior as the mother shouts, “NOOO!”

But it is too late.

Charging forward, Junior snatches BabyGirl’s hat off her head, places it on his own and begins to dance, bump and grind style against the side of his much older, much larger brother’s leg. The howls of laughter from passers-by do not deter Junior, and this brave soldier pushes on, committed to the cause, straight on until the phrase, “touching me, touching you..”


Location: The local Funeral Home….

26 responses

  1. There is an observation I could make about this event, but I think you’ve already suffered enough.

    June 4, 2012 at 1:24 am

    • Oh I am sure Junior will put me through plenty more in the future.

      June 4, 2012 at 10:01 am

    • Deep thinking – adds a new diiomsnen to it all.

      April 24, 2014 at 1:16 pm

  2. I can’t help but laugh because my mind works like juniors does (must be a middlechild thing πŸ˜‰ ) although if I did what he did I think I would be arrested for … Yes ok. Ahahaha I LOVE the line doing his best Edward Cullen impression.

    June 4, 2012 at 4:29 am

    • Yes, middle children are a nightmare!

      June 4, 2012 at 10:02 am

      • Anonymous

        And we enjoy every moment of it πŸ˜‰

        June 4, 2012 at 10:06 am

      • I don’t get the logic behind this middle child thing…… Clearly I turned out mentally stable.
        Ok maybe not the best argument but stop trashing on middle children :-/ .

        June 5, 2012 at 8:14 am

  3. How can any self-respecting Sox fan find horror in Sweet Caroline?

    June 4, 2012 at 9:55 am

    • That’s the problem – my kids are Sox fans who know that song so well they can beat each other bloody in time with the chorus.

      June 4, 2012 at 10:03 am

  4. He is gonna marry one of my girls, right?

    June 4, 2012 at 10:22 am

    • No, I like you too much to do that to you.

      June 4, 2012 at 10:30 am

      • No fair, Hellis!

        June 4, 2012 at 10:34 am

        • Go here and see if you don’t change your mind:

          June 4, 2012 at 10:37 am

          • I have already read that and all I have to say is this:
            My girls bite too- he will feel right at home!

            June 4, 2012 at 10:43 am

  5. Sweet! Then they’ll get married and have kids and everyone will say how they have the two hottest Grandmas!

    June 4, 2012 at 10:54 am

    • Damn straight they will! Cougar Grandmas with grand-cougars that bite everyone! Or get bitten by everyone. Or not.

      June 4, 2012 at 11:14 am

  6. Sweet Caroline. I haven’t heard that one in years! Some of the memories it brings back though, are maybe best forgotten by others involved.

    June 4, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    • That’s how I feel about every Steve Miller Band song ever recorded.

      June 4, 2012 at 5:17 pm

  7. If I recall correctly, the singer had a hard time finishing the song without messing up because he was laughing to hard at JR being chased by charming and turning just to grind one more time. Before returning to running for his life.
    Good times had by all.

    June 4, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    • I blame you.

      June 4, 2012 at 7:51 pm

      • But in a good way right?

        June 4, 2012 at 7:57 pm

        • Yes, in all the ways that it’s good to blame something; like blaming in on the rain, or on Rio, or on Sue…

          June 4, 2012 at 8:05 pm

          • Don’t blame sue. It was Dick.

            June 4, 2012 at 8:11 pm

            • Dick made the costumes?

              June 4, 2012 at 8:23 pm

              • Thats a post for another day.

                June 4, 2012 at 8:25 pm

  8. So good, so good, so good!

    June 5, 2012 at 1:45 am