The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

The Hellis 100 (81-90)

After taking a brief hiatus to participate in the real world (blah) I have returned to post the next installment of THE HELLIS 100 series.

One of the ideas I’ve tossed around lately is taking up the challenge of writing a screenplay. But what to write about? A movie about life in New England? A story about growing up with my Italian mother? Who knew it would be a trip to my Site Stats page and a view of my top commentors that would inspire my latest, greatest idea. I give you…



It goes without saying that since I don’t know anyone personally, my “dreamcast” will be comprised of actors who I believe best reflect the bloggers’ particular personality traits and not necessarily what they look like. Now let’s start the list with:

10. BESTBATHROOMBOOKS to be played by Hugh Jackman

Who better to play Les the Great than Hugh Jackman? Both are smart, witty and so very likable. The only question is, does Les dance?


9. KAYJAI to be played by Cameron Diaz

Specifically, BAD TEACHER Cameron. Who better to do both Kayjai and the word “Fuck” justice?


8. TRASK AVENUE to be played by Kenneth Branagh

Kenneth Branagh has the talent and ability to go from a man of great intellect to a dastardly villain in very few words. Like John, I’d pay money to watch Branagh fold towels or write a clever blog.


7. GINGERSNAAP to be played by Sandra Bullock

Quirky, fun and self-deprecating, Sandra Bullock is the perfect fit for everyone’s favorite bloggirl next door.


6. SANDYLIKEABEACH to be played by Charo

Not only is Charo a feisty Latin Superstar, but she’s the best choice to play someone who’s bright, bubbly and sexier than twice the women half her age.


5. EL GUAPO to be played by Mark Ruffalo

The consummate Everyman, both Mark and El Guapo are proof that Nice Guys really do get the girl.


4. SPARKLEBUMPS to be played by Marilyn Monroe

Was there ever any doubt that the world’s most famous sex kitten would play our girl Sparkles? Men everywhere know why.


3. VERYNORMAL to be played by Emma Stone

No one pulls off both Badass Chick and Sweetie Pie better than Emma. Sounds like a British somebody else I know.


2. HR NIGHTMARE to be played by Joe Manganiello

Obviously I know what HR looks like, so when I thought about who should play him in my movie I couldn’t pass up True Blood’s own Alcide (don’t believe what he says about the muscles, ladies. It’s the hair and beard that does it). Like Alcide, HR sports a perpetually pissed off look on his face, not to mention that after a lifetime of being harassed about his Transylvanian roots he absolutely despises Vampires. That means the number one top Hellis commentor is….

EDWARD HOTSPUR to be played by Ruki

Followers of Edward Hotpsur’s blog know of his love of visual kei music and specifically of the band, The GazettE. What you may not know is how similar the lead singer Ruki is to our own EH. Both are creative, enigmatic, genuine and self-aware. Both have amassed quite a following despite never trying to be mainstream and have elevated what they do to an artform. And from what I hear they both have Discharge.


So there it is, people; HELLIS IN BLOGGERLAND. Coming soon to a blog near you!

36 responses

  1. Joe Manganiello = ommm nom nom Ahaha although I just can’t bring myself to watch that show.

    June 5, 2012 at 4:47 am

    • I close my eyes at the bloody parts. Not sure how I’ve seen the show.

      June 5, 2012 at 6:00 am

  2. Gotta tell ya, there are some pretty sexy ass commentors here on your little ole blog Ms. Hellis. But staying true to your post, wouldn’t YOU be the number 1 commentor?

    Who pray tell would play you in this movie of yours? Hmmmmm????

    June 5, 2012 at 5:42 am

    • Peter Dinklage.

      June 5, 2012 at 6:00 am

      • No No No. That would never work, He’s taller then you. 🙂

        June 5, 2012 at 6:19 am

  3. Hey! I’m awesomely flattered, but Marilyn is dead, soo I guess that means I get a small part, huh?

    June 5, 2012 at 8:21 am

    • Since she’s gone the only person sexy enough to play you is you.

      June 5, 2012 at 6:47 pm

  4. Holy Fudge Nuggets! Am I really in a Hellis Top 10 List?
    I like Sandra- she got to kiss Ryan Reynolds- mmmmmm.
    And? I never knew the Blogger Men up there were so smokin’ hawt- damn guuurl! Drooling over here…

    June 5, 2012 at 9:18 am

    • Ryan Reynolds….


      June 5, 2012 at 6:47 pm

  5. I find it hard to believe I made anyone’s top ten commenter list seeing as how I’m not one to comment unless the writing is superb. I concur with most of your choices of actors for the parts of these bloggers, especially Hugh Jackman for Les. Thanks for picking such a sexy picture of Charo to represent moi. And much like Charo, I think many people don’t quite understand what I’m saying either!

    As to your screenplay – why not write a screenplay of your book and shop it around? I think it would make a terrific movie.

    June 5, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    • I actually considered adapting the book into a screenplay, but then I looked into what was involved and yeah…

      Screenplays are HARD.

      June 5, 2012 at 6:49 pm

  6. Oh snap!

    June 5, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    • Snap Indeed.

      Wait…is that good?

      June 5, 2012 at 6:49 pm

  7. Though I’ve often been called Hugh Jorgan, I will accept the moniker of Jackman. Thanks for including me in this lineup of superstars. I can and do dance and will reclaim my washboard stomach as soon as I stop blogging and get off my ass.
    Thanks again H.E.
    Can’t wait to read your new stuff.

    June 5, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    • I can’t wait to write it!

      June 6, 2012 at 7:44 pm

  8. Ballsy casting of a Japanese man in the role of Hotspur. Honestly, as I scrolled down, I wasn’t sure I was in this list, and then I was thinking it would be some kind of cross between Jack Black and Oscar Wilde. But then I thought of The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, where four actors played that one role because Heath Ledger died, and thought maybe that would be the way to go.

    Or maybe just James Lipton.

    Anyway, Guapo has a huge temper, so Ruffalo is perfect.

    June 5, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    • You describe yourself as a cross between Jack Black and Oscar Wilde? Really?? Wow…

      June 6, 2012 at 7:48 pm

      • I don’t know. What do you think I’m a cross between? Mitch Hedberg and Frank Sinatra? Robert Downey Jr. and Adam Lambert? Johnny Depp and Larry the Cable Guy? Adam Sandler and Bob Ross? All I know is that there isn’t a single human out there like me.

        June 6, 2012 at 8:57 pm

      • Perhaps more than two people?

        June 6, 2012 at 8:58 pm

        • Hmm…I sense another blog post coming on…

          June 7, 2012 at 12:40 pm

  9. Bad Teacher Cameron…I like it! And damn, the men are hot! Just sayin’….

    June 6, 2012 at 7:40 am

    • Like you, Cameron makes swearing sexy. And yes, all men are sexy in Bloggerland!

      June 6, 2012 at 7:49 pm

  10. Judging from the actors, your movie is a rom-com-buddy cop movie, with Edward Hotspur as the alien no one understands.
    Hilarity ensues as Edward, separated from the mother ship, is lost and adrift in dark foreboding Canadia. Kayjai, president of Canadia, takes pity on him and drives him (in a fast car, and apparently very few clothes) southeast to the wilds of New England, where for some reason, his gadgets are telling him to go.
    Trask Avenue, a member of Canadia’s equivalent of the CIA (the dreaded MSF – Moose Syrup Fanatics), follows in hot pursuit.
    At the border, bored Border Guard, El Guapo, decides to leave his job and accompany the two starcrossed travellers on their journey. At one point, he distracts Trask from his pursuit while kayjai and Hotspur escape. He is last seen (until the finale) telling a confused Trask (who has just arrested him) “Hey, if you can’t beat em, confuse em!”

    Our story continues through the wilds of Nebraska and Ohio. They stop off at an empty diner , run by BestBathroomBooks for some food. He dispenses wit and wisdom along with hot coffe and huevos rancheros.
    They continue on their drive, stopping at an Ohio crossing to let the freight train pass. A badass in a mustang pulls up, none other than Ginger Snaap.
    Hotspur reminds her of the frog who done her wrong (no, really, an actual frog) all those years ago, and there is a spectacular heart stopping chase through the cornfields (are there cornfields in Ohio?) of Ohio.

    Kayjai and Hotspur manage to escape, heading east toward the dawning of a new day. They are exhausted and pull over to rest.
    While sleeping, Kayjai is visited by sandylikeabeach, who sums up what has already happened, and hints about what may happen next – but she does it all in one long sentence that even includes her trademarked asides. And it’s all in Charo’s voice!!! (Seriously, this is my favorite scene of the movie!)

    As they come out of the wilds and into the bigger cities, Trask Avenue is closing in. But Hotspur uses his magic to convince unbelievably sexy companions Sparklebumps and Megan that he is the good guy. They use their not inconsiderable wiles to slow down Trask while Kayjai and Hotspur escape.

    Finally, closing in on the snow filled bus lots of New England, the two stop at the tire yard, and ask a shirtless, sweaty HR Nightmare (wearing a green shoulder mounted bikini thong)(because that’s how he rolls) where they can find the magic moose of Massachusetts – which is the only thing that can save Hotspur now.

    (Sorry – earths environment is slowly killing Hotspur. What? I’m sitting at my desk writing this thing, cut me some slack. We good? Ok, moving on.)

    HR points down a snow filled trail. Kayjai slowly eases the car down the path.
    We see Trask (in his gov’t issue Crown Victoria) speeding toward them. In the back seat, El Guapo rises, swinging a ski pole at the back of Trasks head. Trask yanks the wheel and Guapo flies out of the car, landing on a plank and, with a “WOOHOO” snowboards into the distance.
    But while Trask was distracted, a blue Charger comes rocketing along the road. “SHINY!!!” bellows Gnger Snaap, as she races along, bumping mercilessly into Trask in an attempt to drive him off the road. BestBathroomBooks, in the car with her, calmly calls out reasons to Trask why he should surrender.

    Trask grits his teeth and continues pounding down the road.
    Into a clearing.
    Where Sparklebumps, Sandylikeabeach and Megan all dance gracefully on an empty patch of land.
    A bright light suddenly engulfs the beautiful ladies as kayjai and Hotspur glide to a halt, Trask pulling up behind them.

    Arms spread, Hotspur steps into the circle of light, as Trask raises his gun. Sparklebumps flashes him to distract him, but surprisingly, that only works for a moment.
    Hotspur turns, and in the language of his people, yells “Unicorn! Palindrome lyric poem! Innuendo!”
    Trasks weapon flies from his hand, and bewildered, he, with everyone else, watch the circle of bright light condense into a pinpoint beam of rainbow as Hotspur floats gently up to the mothership.

    Kayjai strolls over to Trask. “For fucks sake.” she says.
    Trask raises an eyebrow.


    Apologies to everyone slandered in this, and if you’ve made it this far, next round is on me. Really, you earned it.

    June 6, 2012 at 4:44 pm


      This totally deserves a blog post.

      June 6, 2012 at 7:49 pm

  11. Pingback: The End | bestbathroombooks

  12. You’ve got a good taste!:)

    June 9, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    • You’ve tasted her?

      June 10, 2012 at 10:50 am

      • Yes she did! And from what I’ve been told I taste remarkably like a combination of bok choy and Clamatto.

        June 10, 2012 at 10:53 am

        • That’s not how you spell chlamydia…
          Oh, it’s not supposed to be Young Boy and Chlamydia?
          Wait a minute what site am I-

          June 10, 2012 at 11:23 am

          • Haha! I KNEW you were a giant perv, El Guapo!

            June 10, 2012 at 11:46 am

        • You put the ‘clam’ in Clamato.

          June 10, 2012 at 11:38 am

          • There’s a “put something in my clam” joke in there somewhere…

            June 10, 2012 at 11:47 am

      • Who said anything about my taste? LOL

        June 10, 2012 at 11:27 am

    • Thanks! I’m glad you agree.

      June 10, 2012 at 11:00 am