The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Hellis In Bloggerland

Just when I thought I’d said it all, El Guapo says it better. I give you my screenplay as seen through a very handsome lens:


Judging from the actors, your movie is a rom-com-buddy cop movie, with Edward Hotspur as the alien no one understands. Hilarity ensues as Edward, separated from the mother ship, is lost and adrift in dark foreboding Canadia. Kayjai, president of Canadia, takes pity on him and drives him (in a fast car, and apparently very few clothes) southeast to the wilds of New England, where for some reason, his gadgets are telling him to go.

Trask Avenue, a member of Canadia’s equivalent of the CIA (the dreaded MSF – Moose Syrup Fanatics), follows in hot pursuit. At the border, bored Border Guard, El Guapo, decides to leave his job and accompany the two star-crossed travellers on their journey. At one point, he distracts Trask from his pursuit while Kayjai and Hotspur escape. He is last seen (until the finale) telling a confused Trask (who has just arrested him) “Hey, if you can’t beat em, confuse em!”

Our story continues through the wilds of Nebraska and Ohio. They stop off at an empty diner, run by BestBathroomBooks for some food. He dispenses wit and wisdom along with hot coffee and huevos rancheros. They continue on their drive, stopping at an Ohio crossing to let the freight train pass. A badass in a mustang pulls up, none other than GingerSnaap. Hotspur reminds her of the frog who done her wrong (no, really, an actual frog) all those years ago, and there is a spectacular heart stopping chase through the cornfields (are there cornfields in Ohio?) of Ohio.

Kayjai and Hotspur manage to escape, heading east toward the dawning of a new day. They are exhausted and pull over to rest. While sleeping, Kayjai is visited by Sandylikeabeach, who sums up what has already happened, and hints about what may happen next – but she does it all in one long sentence that even includes her trademarked asides. And it’s all in Charo’s voice!!! (Seriously, this is my favorite scene of the movie!)

As they come out of the wilds and into the bigger cities, Trask Avenue is closing in. But Hotspur uses his magic to convince unbelievably sexy companions Sparklebumps and Megan that he is the good guy. They use their not inconsiderable wiles to slow down Trask while Kayjai and Hotspur escape.

Finally, closing in on the snow filled bus lots of New England, the two stop at the tire yard, and ask a shirtless, sweaty HR Nightmare (wearing a green shoulder mounted bikini thong)(because that’s how he rolls) where they can find the magic moose of Massachusetts – which is the only thing that can save Hotspur now.

(Sorry – earths environment is slowly killing Hotspur. What? I’m sitting at my desk writing this thing, cut me some slack. We good? Ok, moving on.)

HR points down a snow filled trail. Kayjai slowly eases the car down the path. We see Trask (in his gov’t issue Crown Victoria) speeding toward them. In the back seat, El Guapo rises, swinging a ski pole at the back of Trasks head. Trask yanks the wheel and Guapo flies out of the car, landing on a plank and, with a “WOOHOO” snowboards into the distance.

But while Trask was distracted, a blue Charger comes rocketing along the road. “SHINY!!!” bellows GingerSnaap, as she races along, bumping mercilessly into Trask in an attempt to drive him off the road. BestBathroomBooks, in the car with her, calmly calls out reasons to Trask why he should surrender. Trask grits his teeth and continues pounding down the road.

Into a clearing.

Where Sparklebumps, Sandylikeabeach and Megan all dance gracefully on an empty patch of land.

A bright light suddenly engulfs the beautiful ladies as Kayjai and Hotspur glide to a halt, Trask pulling up behind them. Arms spread, Hotspur steps into the circle of light, as Trask raises his gun. Sparklebumps flashes him to distract him, but surprisingly, that only works for a moment. Hotspur turns, and in the language of his people, yells “Unicorn! Palindrome lyric poem! Innuendo!”
Trasks weapon flies from his hand, and bewildered, he, with everyone else, watch the circle of bright light condense into a pinpoint beam of rainbow as Hotspur floats gently up to the mothership.

Kayjai strolls over to Trask. “For fucks sake.” she says.
Trask raises an eyebrow.


Apologies to everyone slandered in this, and if you’ve made it this far, next round is on me. Really, you earned it.

52 responses

  1. Thanks Guap. I sound very reasonable in this one. I have a connection–I can get this to Tarantino. You think we can work John Travolta into it?

    June 7, 2012 at 1:48 am

    • From what I hear, we can get ol’ John into most anything…

      June 7, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    • Well, we’d have to up the cursing if Tarantino does it.
      I guess Kayjai will be getting some extra dialogue…

      June 8, 2012 at 8:55 pm

  2. Fucking awesome…

    June 7, 2012 at 7:19 am

    • Damn straight!

      June 7, 2012 at 12:23 pm

  3. ” Sparklebumps flashes him to distract him, but surprisingly, this only works for a moment.” Clearly this is an unbelievable storyline….

    June 7, 2012 at 8:01 am

    • Well, I did say it was fiction. I am certain no man would survive the experience. 😉

      June 7, 2012 at 12:23 pm

  4. I can totally imagine Kenneth Branaugh in this role.

    June 7, 2012 at 9:04 am

    • Seriously, KB is the shit. I’ll watch him in anything. Well, except for scat porn. That’s stuff’s just gross.

      June 7, 2012 at 12:25 pm

      • I’m glad you have limits.

        June 7, 2012 at 2:56 pm

  5. Holy shit! And I thought my imagination was wild! I bow to superiority.

    June 7, 2012 at 10:36 am

    • Yes, El Guapo is blogworld’s own little hidden treasure.

      June 7, 2012 at 12:25 pm

  6. That frog was diabolical.

    ‘SHINY’ is the best battle cry of all battle cries!

    June 7, 2012 at 11:37 am

    • Yup– it’s right up there with “SWEET!”

      June 7, 2012 at 12:26 pm

      • I prefer ‘ SA-WEET’!

        June 7, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    • I always knew you would come to tears at the legs of a slimy forest denizen…

      June 8, 2012 at 8:56 pm

      • Oh, so you have met my husband then?

        June 8, 2012 at 9:42 pm

  7. Gotta say love how close to real life this is, but there is one point that I would like to make. Pretty sure if Ms. Sparkle where to flash in the direction of the mothership and EH, both would be so mesmerized they would have crashed together and there my friend would be the fireball the story needs to end on.
    Que the music ‘ cool guys don’t look at explosions ‘

    June 7, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    • I think you need to write the sequel, HR.

      June 7, 2012 at 3:09 pm

      • That’s easy, ready.
        Sparklebumps flashes the crowd, big explosion in the back ground, fade off to ‘ FIN ‘
        short film will make millions.
        Instant block buster.
        (explotion is a boss mustang) hahaha

        June 7, 2012 at 5:23 pm

        • BRILLIANT!!!!
          A forged Boss Mustang please, not an original…

          June 8, 2012 at 8:56 pm

          • Going for factory direct, I mean you cant use a fake car with real booies can you?

            June 8, 2012 at 9:43 pm

            • Well, since you aren;t blowing up real boobi- waitaminute…

              June 8, 2012 at 10:37 pm

  8. So to sum up and I think I’m in the best possible position to do that since I’m the next one commenting unless someone posts a short comment before I complete another marathon run-on sentence except you won’t know that because only I know who commented last before I started typing unless I’m the first to comment since 3:09, our dear H.E. will be taking Guapo’s magnificent scenario and turning it into screenplay magic (it’s really easy just fade in, fade out, pull back and that sort of stuff between lines of dialogue which she is really good at) and she already knows who will play the roles and Les knows Quentin and I apparently have the best scene like Steve Buscemi in another Tarantino film, Desperado, though he didn’t direct it or write it, he (Tarantino not Buscemi though his part was small, too) just had a small part in it though now that I think about it maybe Tarantino’s scene was better except for the sex scene between Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek because that was pretty hot, but in any event, we’ll all somehow get rich off of lending our blog personas to this incredibly imaginative project and live happily ever after or at least be able to buy that mustang (thinking of you, Sparkle) or just have enough wine or beer or whatever it is that keeps us happy (i’m in the whatever group (an homage to one of my favorite films) though I don’t turn down wine or beer unless I already have whatever. Can’t wait to see the finished project!

    June 7, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    • Oh. My. God.
      Complete with parenthetical asides!
      Sandylikeabeach, you have to write the novelization of the screenplay!

      June 8, 2012 at 8:57 pm

  9. And another epic comment from Sandy…whew…breathe, girl!

    June 7, 2012 at 5:52 pm

  10. I like the casting of myself as the star who is a little bit out of this world, but where’s all the sex and doing it? Judging from the cast, this isn’t a children’s movie! And where’s the Japanese music, or the unicorns? And I’m confused about who wrote it, because there’s all this shit inside my head, but either way, why isn’t Hellis in the film? Is it because she’s the fluffer?

    June 7, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    • there was going to be a whole Moose/Red Sox metaphorical character that Hellis would embody, but honestly, I was just trying to figure out how to wrap the damn thing up…

      June 8, 2012 at 8:59 pm

      • I guess you could wrap it up with a tuna party. That’s like a sausage party, only with females.

        June 8, 2012 at 9:16 pm

  11. Hummmmmmmmmmmm.

    June 9, 2012 at 12:02 pm

  12. I have lost all control of my blog.

    June 9, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    • That’s not uncommon in a woman your age. All you need to do is get some… Oh BLOG! I thought you said something else. Forget I said anything. Never mind.

      June 9, 2012 at 5:15 pm

      • Yes, my doctor prescribed me some GENUFLECTROL.

        June 9, 2012 at 5:26 pm

        • I need to get drunk. Drunktrol. I’m kinda bored. Sure, I have lots of chores to do, but that’s boring, and I have a 4 hour rule.

          June 9, 2012 at 6:39 pm

          • Oh God, yes. I just got home from my kid’s graduation and am now contemplating the rest of my life. I need a shot of something stronger than Drunktol.

            June 9, 2012 at 6:43 pm

            • Shitafaceamin or Tyoneonal

              June 9, 2012 at 6:46 pm

            • wow, that must have been hard. though, it wasn’t that hard for me when my daughter graduated.

              June 9, 2012 at 6:47 pm

              • It was, but not as hard as it was on HR. Our kid is older now than he was when the kid was born. He bawled like a baby. Yeah, I got blackmail pictures.

                June 9, 2012 at 6:51 pm

                • What are you gonna have him do?

                  June 9, 2012 at 6:58 pm

                  • Hmm…I haven’t given it much thought. Any ideas?

                    June 9, 2012 at 7:05 pm

                    • None. Not a single idea. I’m out of ideas. I’m idea-free. No.

                      June 9, 2012 at 7:56 pm

  13. I think you missed a lot of opportunities by not including some of the superb bloggers north of the border as characters in your screen play! We could have added some realism for the frozen white north.

    June 9, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    • That is soooo creepy! I literally am writing HELLIS IN CANADALAND as I type this!

      June 9, 2012 at 4:42 pm

      • Well thats favoritism! just because we are small and are a land full of people who speak really strange :O

        June 9, 2012 at 5:24 pm

        • Oh believe me, there will be a HELLIS GOES ABROAD post coming up soon. 🙂

          June 9, 2012 at 5:27 pm

          • You will have to come over here and write it 😉 You can borrow my laptop ahaha.

            June 9, 2012 at 5:30 pm

            • That depends…do I have to sit on the other side of the room?

              June 9, 2012 at 5:33 pm

              • No, well depending what I am doing if I am cooking, Yes, nobody comes in the kitchen while I am cooking! otherwise, you can sit were you like ahaha.

                June 9, 2012 at 5:35 pm

      • Cant wait to read it!

        June 9, 2012 at 6:11 pm

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