The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

It’s Flagulous!

Hold onto your garders people, because this next interviewee works red, white and blue. To commemorate Flag Day we sit down with our nation’s favorite seamstress, the ever saucy Betsy Ross.

*** So tell me, Ms. Ross, what was it like being raised in a strict religious household?

As I was growing up, I never noticed that anything was amiss with regards to my religious upbringing. I was taught the ways of God and that to stray from them was a sin. It was until I met John that perhaps there was something more to life than praying and confession.

*** It seems you were quite the rebellious young woman. Tell us about your early love affair and your elopement with your husband, John.

I must point out, H.E., that I detest the word “rebellious”. I prefer the term “incorrigible.” No one has ever made me do something I didn’t want to do, and once I set my mind to do something, I do it, no matter what the reaction. That includes my elopement with John. My family was so upset I was excommunicated from our Quaker community. But every decision I made was worth it, because John was my one true love, and anyway, who could pass up the amazing honeymooning sex?

*** After John was killed in battle you went on to marry two more times which was nearly unheard of during the early 1700’s. How do you attribute your success in finding men?

I must be honest when I say that I’m not sure what it is that attracted all the men to me. I suppose my breasts may have had something to do with it, and my obnoxious need for love and affection…

*** I am going to quote Wikipedia here: “There is speculation that Betsy was the “beautiful young widow” who distracted Carl von Donop in Mount Holly, New Jersey, after the Battle of Iron Works Hill, thus keeping his forces out of the Battle of Trenton.” What was it like being so desirable that you potentially altered the future of a nation?

Women have been the cause for wars and the downfalls of countries for centuries. Just look at Helen of Troy. The main thing is to not let it go to your head.

*** Where did you get the idea for the design of the American Flag?

Well, I will let you inΒ  on a little secret here. I’m into S&M a bit, and I was asked to design the flag right before I had a more than satifying… encounter. There was blood striping my freshly-washed white sheets, and that’s where the idea for the stripes came from. The stars I thought of because I tried to think of the most beautiful and sparkly thing I could think of to represent each state of glittery happiness our country had. Voila!

*** If you hadn’t made the flag, what would you like to have made instead?

If I hadn’t made the flag, I probably would have designed amazing satiny dresses for prostitutes, so as to give them a semblance of class.

*** What’s history’s biggest misconception about Betsy Ross?

The biggest misconception? ALL women who misbehave are misconceived. You know what they say- “Well-behaved women rarely make history.” I guarantee you wouldn’t be interviewing me if I had remained a Quaker. XOXO

29 responses

  1. I think I like Betsy Ross. πŸ˜‰

    June 14, 2012 at 6:46 am

    • I like her too. She reminds me a lot of someone I know.

      June 14, 2012 at 5:21 pm

  2. I think Betsy has some blogger descendants.

    June 14, 2012 at 7:42 am

    • I’ll just bet she does. πŸ˜‰

      June 14, 2012 at 5:21 pm

  3. I think that might be your best blog ever. Our founding fathers and mothers were much more interesting then the secondary education texts would like you to believe. Ben Franklin for example – total slutty bixsexual into orgies – that guy would fuck anything. Now that’s what I call a founding father!

    June 14, 2012 at 12:07 pm

  4. Not to mention that when they wrote the constitution they were all apparently drunk. yes. drunk.

    June 14, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    • I knew Franklin was a womanizer, but had no idea about the bisexual part. That’s just awesome, really. Especially when you think about all these people who think being gay is anti-Christian and therefore anti-American. Hollywood needs to make a GOOD movie about him.

      June 14, 2012 at 5:24 pm

  5. Descendents of Betsy Ross:
    Bob Ross
    Marion Ross
    Ross Perot
    Ross Gellar
    General Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross
    Betty Ross
    Ross Tafarian

    June 14, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    • Lost it at Ross Tafarian.

      June 14, 2012 at 7:17 pm

      • I read that as ‘lost it to Ross Tafarian”. Yeah, mon.

        June 14, 2012 at 8:42 pm

        • No, I lost it to something more sinister and Nightmarish….

          June 15, 2012 at 6:44 am

          • My spidey sense is tingling. By which I mean, my BS detector is going off.

            June 15, 2012 at 7:12 pm

            • Shh! He only knows what I tell him!

              June 15, 2012 at 7:16 pm

              • You underoverestimate the ability of a dude to have knowing what you be in the way of having done.

                You probably just had a slow week that week.

                June 15, 2012 at 7:22 pm

                • It was easier just to let him in the back door.

                  June 15, 2012 at 7:47 pm

                  • OH! Why didn’t you say you meant back door virginity?

                    June 15, 2012 at 8:21 pm

                    • Oh I think you know why. Like my grandmother always said, “Why buy the cow when she’ll let you drill her in the ass?” Or something like that.

                      June 15, 2012 at 8:27 pm

                    • She did say that. I still tipped her, though.

                      June 15, 2012 at 8:30 pm

                    • Get it? Cow? Tip? Bwa ha ha ha!

                      June 15, 2012 at 8:30 pm

                    • Yes, I got it in the end.

                      June 16, 2012 at 8:40 am

                    • Like caulk in Uranus.

                      June 16, 2012 at 11:19 am

  6. P.S. Shoes is da clues.

    June 14, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    • Yes it is. πŸ˜‰

      June 14, 2012 at 7:18 pm

  7. I always figured Betsy Ross for a bit of a whore.

    June 14, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    • I am still curious as to how she really got the flag job.

      June 15, 2012 at 1:11 am

    • Hey, now. That’s a bit harsh.

      June 15, 2012 at 8:18 am

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