The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

The Hellis 100 (91-100)

Sadly I have reached the end of The Hellis 100 series. What was supposed to be an exercise in creative writing has turned out to be the typical mish-mash of utter nonsense and verbal shenanigans that readers have come to expect in my blog posts. So if you clicked here expecting to find more of the same, I invite you to pull up a chair and prepare to be disappointed because I have written a post that scrapes the bottom of the creativity barrel. That’s right folks, I give you:



I refuse to be in a room with someone who is drinking milk or eating a bowl of cereal (yes, my poor children ate Cheerios dry). I will gag at the sound of someone slurping milk and vomit the instant I see a milk mustache. I do, however, take cream in my coffee. Can’t explain that.


Yes, I am a total Gothlette. Or at least I was before Twilight fans corrupted the genre. I’ve seen Marilyn Manson in concert more times than I’ve willingly gone to church; I’ve lived in black eyeliner and torn fishnets and have listened to Bauhaus so many times that the words “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” have lost all meaning. Hell, I even married a Vampire. Man it sucks to grow up.


Not sure how I feel about that.


Blame it on my strict Catholic upbringing or my even stricter Navy father, but there is just something so unbelievably sexy to me about men and their tattoos. For the record I have exactly zero tattoos. I know, I make no sense.



Somehow…distantly… Al Pacino and I are related. He has no idea I exist. He and my daughter have the same eyes.


Yeah, I’ll admit it. I don’t much like pasta; I abhor anything fizzy and I absolutely DESPISE cookies. Let the lynching begin.


Yeah, it’s not as awesome as it sounds.


They are English, French, German, Italian, Korean, Russian and Spanish.


I never miss an episode of Vampire Diaries (DAMON!) and I’ve seen Freddy Got Fingered so many times I can quote it in my sleep. Don’t you judge me.

71 responses

  1. Proof positive, you are definitely one of a kind.

    June 15, 2012 at 1:33 am

    • Finally! My freakiness–uh, uniqueness paid off!

      June 15, 2012 at 6:43 am

  2. Number ten, is me too, Ben pours milk while my back is turned and I turn around and gag then run to the other side of the house and scream thats discussing Ahaha. But Nar I still love you 😉

    June 15, 2012 at 3:07 am

    • We are definitely alike in so many ways it’s eerie!

      June 15, 2012 at 6:49 am

      • I know, the only difference is I am 5ft 7 ahaha 😉

        June 15, 2012 at 7:06 am

  3. I think I sprained a synapse or two, but that was an awesome list….*amazing tricks with her tongue, hmmm*….I’ll be back soon….or not.

    June 15, 2012 at 3:30 am

    • Yes, yes I can. It’s because my frenulum linguae is too short and growing up I had elocution lessons to train away my lisp.

      June 15, 2012 at 6:54 am

  4. what Kind of things can you do with your tongue? ooh baby

    June 15, 2012 at 6:10 am

    • I can twist it, curl it, make it look like a shamrock, tie a cherry stem, etc…

      What I cannot do is say words like “Google” without tripping over it. I also lisp when I am tired.

      June 15, 2012 at 6:55 am

  5. tee-hee

    June 15, 2012 at 6:27 am

    • Of…course.

      June 15, 2012 at 6:58 am

  6. I lisp when I’m drunk…and tired…and..wait. uh, never mind. Great litht! Ugh…

    June 15, 2012 at 7:36 am

    • Thanks!

      Damn. My joke didn’t work.

      June 15, 2012 at 4:50 pm

      • I don’t get it.

        June 15, 2012 at 5:55 pm

        • “THanks” already starts with a “th” sound, therefore I cannot liTHp it.

          June 15, 2012 at 7:08 pm

  7. Loving bad movies and Netflix, a perfect couple. Lori hates bad movies and I love them

    June 15, 2012 at 9:08 am

    • The mocking at your house must be awesome.

      June 15, 2012 at 4:50 pm

      • Discussions on what movie to watch could be considered pythonesque at times. And she don’t like them either.

        June 15, 2012 at 5:16 pm

        • Might I suggest RABID GRANNIES as well as REUBEN AND ED. That will be enough to keep anyone complain–uh, talking for years.

          June 15, 2012 at 7:10 pm

          • Thanks for the tips. Rabid Grannies sounds spectacular

            June 15, 2012 at 7:25 pm

  8. Gee! If your daughter and Al Pacino have the same eyes who wins if they both need them at the same time?

    June 15, 2012 at 9:35 am

    • My daughter does. She’s a way bigger badass than Pacino.

      June 15, 2012 at 4:51 pm

  9. The milk thing is oddly intriguing.

    As a side note in a previous life I was a toll collector and I collected a toll from Al Pacino.

    June 15, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    • I remember. I was there. He gave you a wheat penny.

      June 15, 2012 at 4:53 pm

  10. Instead of taking the easy route by picking the tongue thing, I’m going to raise one eyebrow and suggestively say “Miiiiilllllllk”.

    And I can say my pencil is green in 4 languages – French, Spanish, English, Hebrew.

    June 15, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    • I think the milk thing stems from my science teacher in junior high telling us that it’s a living tissue.

      *wretch, gag, vomit*

      June 15, 2012 at 4:55 pm

      • thanks for that one, now what will I have with my corn flakes?

        June 15, 2012 at 7:33 pm

        • Molson!

          June 15, 2012 at 7:48 pm

          • I rather coors!

            June 15, 2012 at 7:52 pm

            • Have whiskey on your corn flakes, starts the day just right!

              June 16, 2012 at 9:17 am

  11. # 7- mmmmmmmmm, me gusta!

    And I’m wondering WHY El Guapadorko needs to say ‘My Pencil Is Green’ in 4 different languages?

    June 15, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    • It’s a typo. He meant to type, “My PENIS is Green.”

      June 15, 2012 at 4:56 pm

      • No, I have a Medic Alert bracelet for that.

        June 15, 2012 at 4:58 pm

        • Naturally.

          I like the new bracelets they have now that you can customize yourself. The one I bought, instead of being engraved, has a compartment with a slip of paper inside for me to write my ailment down. I don’t actually have an ailment, so instead I wrote, “I like tacos.”

          When I am bored I randomly throw myself onto the floor of the local Walgreens and start twitching…

          June 15, 2012 at 5:02 pm

          • Nice!
            As a diabetic, my girl gets very upset when I don’t wear it.
            It’s actually saved my life at least twice over the years.

            June 15, 2012 at 5:08 pm

            • I know what you mean! I would kill for a taco right now.

              June 15, 2012 at 5:14 pm

              • Well, that would be saving the life of the victi- I mean, person, with the taco, I guess…

                June 15, 2012 at 5:18 pm

          • “Start an IV of guacamole and give her 5 CC’s of salsa. STAT!”

            June 15, 2012 at 5:17 pm

      • you have a green penis? I always thought you were a chick…oh well

        June 15, 2012 at 7:33 pm

        • You wouldn’t like it when its angry…

          June 15, 2012 at 7:49 pm

          • But it’ll love you!!!
            Hubba hubba

            June 15, 2012 at 7:57 pm

        • Mine is only green when I forget my sulfa pills.

          June 15, 2012 at 7:58 pm

  12. Even though you’re a total freak because you don’t acknowledge the greatness of the chocolate chip cookie food group (the base of any good food pyramid)……………………………I’m still not worthy. “Bottom of the creativity barrel”? “Better than a lot of people’s best”, I say. Cereal doesn’t bother me, but I wanted to strangle my own mother, father, and brother when every one of them would click their motherfucking spoons up the sides of their ice cream bowls to finish spooning up the last drops of ice cream, every fucking time. I mean, I Ioved ’em , but…

    June 15, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    • I HATE the sound of empty recycled plastic two-liter bottles being squeezed. CAN. NOT. STAND. IT.

      June 15, 2012 at 7:15 pm

  13. I skipped all the previous comments just to rush right down here and quickly and hastily type this, like some kind of hasty premature ejaculocutor. But don’t worry, I don’t need that cooling down time that most guys require. Anyway, this is even worse than you promised! I loved it! Plenty of things to pick on, as you take the place of HobSnap for a day.

    I loved how the title was 91-100, but then you counted down from 10 to 1! I love how you claim to have huge boobs, but then say you’re terrified of milk! I love how you say you adore guys with tattoos, but seem to have completely forgotten that I don’t have a single tattoo, and after we made sweet sweet love all night that one night, you told me that you could never love another, though you were lying and we both knew it, and you didn’t mean ‘love’ either. Ditto with not liking sweets, vis a vis me and sweetness.

    I love how you say you’re goth and then you say you saw Marilyn Manson! He’s…. sigh. Anyway, then you say Sully Erna is your fave, and he’s not goth. Wiccan, yes, but not goth. He’s alive because of you. Keep away from him! He writes a lot of songs about people getting the fuck away from him, doesn’t he? Makes you wonder how he started a band anyway.

    You say you can do tricks with your tongue – but you know what would be the best trick in the universe? LAPPING UP A BOWL OF MILK! That’s right, I said it. Actually, I typed it, because if I had said it, you wouldn’t have heard me. Unless – wait *checks out window* no, you’re not out there. Do you have my house bugged? I don’t think you do, because you would know about my huge collection of women’s

    In summation, or claymation, you basically sit in your closet in black clothes counting in various languages (though not from 91-100!), watching shitty television and never coming out, because there’s a huge jug of milk sitting in the middle of the floor right outside the door. Reiter wrong, it’s the reinCarnation of Juggs. Got milk?

    Or does Milk “got you”?


    Saint Punk the Divine
    Edward Hotspur

    June 15, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    • Holy Crap your comment is better than my blog post!

      June 15, 2012 at 8:31 pm

      • But it was over quickly.

        June 15, 2012 at 8:33 pm

      • What? No fucking way? I asked that to be confusing!?!?! I have had one beer, and a really bad week punctuated with all three of my sister-in-law’s kids returning with my wife and all my kids. They are driving me crazy! I find myself wishing I lived near some coyote-infested woods. Or, like, near Ted Nugent. That guy is a douche.

        The odd thing is I find myself halfway through a

        June 15, 2012 at 8:35 pm

        • No, no. What YOU need is a dingo…

          June 15, 2012 at 8:40 pm

          • Those crazy kids, always coming up with new slang for

            June 15, 2012 at 9:00 pm

      • And I know what you’re trying to say. You’re trying to say Oh yeah, it’s business time. Because you remember, and the pink never forgets. You know it’s business time because

        June 15, 2012 at 8:37 pm

        • HA! LOVE THEM!

          June 15, 2012 at 8:41 pm

          • I see you girls
            Checkin’ out my trunks
            I see you girls
            Checkin’ out the front of my trunks
            I see you girls
            Lookin’ at my junk
            Then checkin’ out my rump
            Then back to my sugalumps

            June 15, 2012 at 9:02 pm

  14. kat

    You should get a tattoo. Of just Al Pacino’s eyes.

    June 20, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    • Good idea. It’ll match the one I already have of his penis.

      June 20, 2012 at 4:02 pm

      • kat

        Ahhh! Image! Image!

        I thought you said you had no tattoos?

        June 20, 2012 at 4:28 pm

        • I should have been clear– I have no permanent tattoos. The Pacino Penis is a lickem’ stickem’ kind that came in a box of Fruit Loops.

          June 20, 2012 at 4:54 pm

          • How appropriate that a Pacino Penis tattoo would be of the ‘lickem & stickem’ variety!

            June 20, 2012 at 5:01 pm

            • Yes, it is a vast improvement over the inappropriate John Holmes live action member that changes color in milk.

              June 20, 2012 at 5:06 pm

            • How inappropriate that Al Pacino came in a box of Fruit Loops.

              June 20, 2012 at 7:38 pm

              • He would have come in the Wheaties, but somebody stepped on his Grape Nuts.

                June 20, 2012 at 7:49 pm

                • Ouch. It must have really messed up his Frankenberries.
                  Such is Life…

                  June 20, 2012 at 7:56 pm

                  • Leggo my Eggo. Yeah, I got nothing.

                    June 20, 2012 at 8:00 pm

                • Or maybe that’s how your Mini Wheats got frosted!

                  June 20, 2012 at 8:36 pm

                • They went snap, crackle, pop.

                  June 21, 2012 at 10:23 pm

  15. Are you sure you wanted to share some of those with us?

    July 2, 2012 at 2:56 am