The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Hellis In Bloggerland – Canadian Edition

We join Hellis on her journey into the Great White North of Bloggerland known as Canadia. Here she meets a crazy cast of Canuk characters who make her reconsider ever leaving home…


Archon peeked out from behind a tree. “Is it gone yet?”  he asked, terrified that he may still be in danger.  “Is what gone?” John Phillips asked as he listened to Canadian Rock classics on his iPod.  “The Salt Water Moose!, one of the locals said it was Salt Water Moose season, and that we should be careful walking in those woods.” added Archon’s Den.

As the two frightened tourists scampered out of the wooded area and onto the Trans-Canada Highway, they were almost run over by another speeding tourist, Harem’s Master. Harem wasn’t paying attention to the road. Rather, he was distracted by his latest bevy of middle east beauties, as he sped down the highway in the beat up van he rented from the local branch of Budget Rent a Car.  Harem swerved to miss them and ran right into…guess what…..a Salt Water Moose!

With that, many of the locals ran out into the highway, and using knives, axes and an assortment of other barbaric tools, they carved the meat from the moose, loaded the remaining carcass into their pickup truck, and took off quickly.

As the moose and his new owners left the scene, an RCMP highway patrol vehicle stopped to ask what was going on. He noticed the blood on the highway, and right away suspected foul play from the two terrified tourists. What’s your names guys, and what are you doing here?

Archon’s Den was the first to speak. “What in the hell are you talking about, you young fellow, you young cops just do not understand things. I worked all my life, and now being arrested by an aboriginal, East Indian, half Chinese, Half Pakistani cop? What sort of vacation is this turning out to be? Why I ever left the safe streets of Ontario to venture to Newfoundland I will never understand!” He grumbled.

“Your name, sir?” the cop repeated.

“None of your damn business what my name is, you tell me what a one part aboriginal, one part East Indian, Half Chinese, Half Pakistani cop is doing in Newfoundland and I will tell you my name!” Said Archon.

“Never mind me, I asked you a question, for that, get in my squad car, I am taking you in!” the one part aboriginal, one part East Indian, Half Chinese, Half Pakistani cop said. “And you get in too buddy” he said to Harem. Harem got in, still a bit nervous from the moose incident.

“What about my girls” Harem asked. “What will they do out here in the middle of nowhere?”

“We don’t have room for them, are they hurt?” The cop asked.

“They are alright, are they safe here” Harem asked, concerned. “They will be fine, this is Newfoundland after all.” said the cop.

John didn’t notice a whole lot, as he was captivated with the beautiful Newfoundland scenery, and he was tapping his toes to some authentic Canadian Rock music from the iPod.

“You get in too” the cop yelled at John. The three of them and the one part aboriginal, one part East Indian, Half Chinese, Half Pakistani cop sped toward the station, all of them terrified that another Salt Water Moose would suddenly appear.

When they got to the station, they were greeted by a friendly staff Sargent. “What are you boys in for?” he asked.  “We were running from a Salt Water moose, and all of a sudden a car hits him, a truck load of locals come over, take him in their truck and drive away, and your officer blames it all on us.” said Archon.

“Well, first let me inform you, there is no such thing as a Salt Water Moose. Whoever told you such a thing was pulling your leg.” The Sargent said. “Second of all, there is no law against moose hunting with your car, long as you don’t get yourself killed, so the officer had no right to charge you.” The cop apologized. “How about I make it up to you guys? My wife is cooking bbq for supper, if you would like to drop by.”

The three were starving from all the commotion, and they agreed. Harem said that he was hungry enough to eat a horse, and Archon said that he just needed a rest.

When they arrived at the cop’s house, they were greeted by the cop’s wife. “What in the fuck do we have here?” she asked. “Honey, what the fuck did you fucking bring home now?”  Archon and the others looked on, terrified at the woman’s attitude. “Don’t mind KayJai, she’s a Mainlander from Ontario”, the cop said. “You gotta watch the Mainlanders, they are a hard crowd to figure out, and please excuse her language, she tends to cuss a lot, but she is a real sweetheart once you gets to know her.” he added.

“It’s a good thing you came today, the neighbors have company over from Ontario as well, and they went and bagged road kill for supper!” KayJai said. “We are all invited over for a feed of Moose. They were out for a drive to show their friend around the island when they happened along a few Mainlanders who had witnessed a moose accident. The neighbors said that they were hollering something about Salt Water Moose or something.” she added.

When they got to the neighbor’s house, a very relieved Benzeknees met them at the gate. “My God, they found a moose on the highway and now they have it on the barbeque cooking it for supper…and we are all invited. What a kind crowd of people, it smells delicious!”

“Holy Fuck!, What a fucking horrible supper. Do they have any fucking thing else? I am fucking starved, but I am not eating fucking moose that was killed on the fucking highway,” KayJai said.

The owner of the house, SightsnBytes came out to see what was going on. “Guys, if you don’t want moose, we can order takeout, just everyone get along please.”

With that, everyone sat and had a wonderful supper, followed by a fire in the backyard firepit, lots of beer (not pine beer though) and authentic Newfoundland music blasting through the speakers in the yard.

*** Thanks to my good friend Ted from Sightsnbytes for this latest take on Hellis in Bloggerland. ***

54 responses

  1. Golly gosh! I’m a celebrity!

    June 16, 2012 at 6:49 am

    • You certainly are!

      June 16, 2012 at 8:51 am

      • So how long are we going to leave my luscious ladies stranded on the highway in Newfyland?

        June 16, 2012 at 10:49 am

        • I’m sure they won’t be stranded for long, if indeed they are luscious. Just sit and enjoy your moose.

          June 16, 2012 at 7:37 pm

  2. I have a new appreciation of all things Canadian and their ability to make the most out of major roadkill.

    June 16, 2012 at 8:19 am

  3. waste not want not I always say. You just have to make sure the moose has just been hit, and that major organs have not been damaged

    June 16, 2012 at 8:47 am

    • Or you can be like HR–

      Hit one, have it annihilate the front end of your truck and then watch it walk away.

      June 16, 2012 at 8:52 am

      • what a wuss

        June 16, 2012 at 10:58 am

        • I know that Moose dident even stay and fight, Little shit.
          I would have totaly kicked his ass.

          June 16, 2012 at 8:16 pm

  4. Always wanted to eat moose.

    June 16, 2012 at 9:45 am

    • I’m leaving that one alone.

      June 16, 2012 at 7:07 pm

      • Watch out for the knuckles. They’re usually kinda fatty and chewy.

        June 16, 2012 at 8:18 pm

        • I don’t think those were the knuckles

          June 16, 2012 at 8:22 pm

          • That explains why it followed me home that night and sent me like 30 text messages the next day.

            June 16, 2012 at 8:47 pm

      • Well played. I’m doing a post tomorrow of a unique coincidence

        June 17, 2012 at 12:24 am

      • Good choice

        June 17, 2012 at 12:51 pm

  5. I’m so confused, I thought Kayjai was the cops wife and she’s the one who said they were going to go to the neighbors for moose. Why did she then sound appalled at the idea of eating moose?

    Are women who swear really that terrifying? Cool, I love the idea of terrorizing men. 😉

    June 16, 2012 at 11:16 am

    • Men agree that I am more terrifying when I am sweet. They think it means I’m up to something. They’re right.

      June 16, 2012 at 7:08 pm

      • these men sound paranoid. remember, just because a paranoid person turns out to be correct, doesn’t mean they aren’t also paranoid.

        as for me, I’m pathologically sincere. When I’m sweet, I really am feeling sweet. I wonder how a pathologically sincere woman and a paranoid man would get on? Sounds like a recipe for multiple misunderstandings.

        June 16, 2012 at 7:18 pm

        • Come and knock on our door….

          June 16, 2012 at 7:20 pm

          • I sensed that someone was talking about me???
            What have I missed???

            June 16, 2012 at 7:30 pm

            • I think HE wants to set us up. She thinks it would be hilarious to pair together a pathogically sincere woman with a pathologically paranoid man. or at least that’s what she seems to be up to. Are you pathologically paranoid? If not, then she’s up to something else.

              (really HE? you’re ex husband – isn’t that a bit too cozy? I feel like it would make us lovers by association. wait….and why do I think that is a problem?)

              June 16, 2012 at 7:49 pm

              • I really don’t think that’s it at all. She knows full well that the last time I was involved with a therapist she had to change professions. (something about being too stressed out or something).

                June 16, 2012 at 8:06 pm

                • then clearly she wants you to hire me as your therapist. I will totally fuck your psyche. and you get to pay me to do it.

                  June 16, 2012 at 8:16 pm

                  • I’m not sure that’s possible. The way I heard it, the mind-fucking went the other way around.

                    June 16, 2012 at 8:18 pm

                    • it’s not possible for me to fuck his psyche? really? that’s sounds like a challenge. I AM looking for someone to beat up. Brainrants already called uncle, so now I’m looking for my next prey.

                      June 16, 2012 at 8:22 pm

                    • Alright Hannibal–er, H.R. you’re up.

                      June 16, 2012 at 8:23 pm

          • okay, now I’m feeling paranoid and suspicious….what will you do to me if I knock on your door…?

            June 16, 2012 at 7:35 pm

            • Why worry? After all, we’ve been waiting for you…

              June 16, 2012 at 7:37 pm

              • Theres nothing to fear, You have been invited. It’s when there a knock on YOUR door it time to worry. So come on in have a drink, sincerely.

                June 16, 2012 at 7:49 pm

                • already have drink in hand. holding it in my left hand lest I need my right hand to cause grevious bodily harm.

                  June 16, 2012 at 8:08 pm

                  • Savor– the fastest hand in the West.

                    June 16, 2012 at 8:09 pm

                    • my hands are fast. but generally l prefer to use other body parts.

                      June 16, 2012 at 8:12 pm

                    • Ok, is it just MY mind that went to porn? I get it Physical therapy…

                      June 16, 2012 at 8:13 pm

                    • nope. my mind went there first. didn’t HE tell you about me? I’m a dirty dirty girl.

                      June 16, 2012 at 8:18 pm

  6. I was sat at my college placement with one of the three year old and I showed him a moose and said “This is a Moose,” at that he looked at me and said “Don’t be silly Megan, that’s a man dear,”

    June 16, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    • A man deer? Kids are adorable. 🙂 Well, the one’s that aren’t mine, anyway.

      June 16, 2012 at 7:09 pm

  7. Hey! I was sure I looked behind every tree while I was searching for that damned moose, and I don’t remember you being there with a notebook. Are you stocking….Oops, that’s my Other life….stalking me??!

    June 16, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    • no silly. I’m the one who is stalking you. it’s always been me. stop trying to play dumb. you know you like it.

      June 16, 2012 at 7:52 pm

  8. Savor my dear, what about me gives you the impression that there is any possible way you could screw with my head any better then all the fallen shrinks before you? I mean, if you really would like to know a few things I’m sure I could dig up the 3 case studies done about me in the past years. Or even better from time to time I still run into the psychotherapist that thought me acting as a “scared little girl named Susan” was completely true. There is a possibility that you can head on over to what we round these parts call “Four-South” (psyche-ward) and visit the guidance counselor. I hear he’s taking visitors now. So my darling Savor, you have as much luck screwing with my psyche as I do being adopted by Angelina Jolie and her believing I need to still be breast-fed.

    June 16, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    • Poor dear. You sound terrified of intimacy and have developed elaborate defenses against allowing anyone in close. You are certainly welcome to try and out smart me, but what would it gain you that you haven’t already gained with these other therapists?

      Maybe you could outsmart me some of the time – in fact, I have no doubt you would succeed some of the time – but what does it really gain for you? It helps you defend against terrible feelings of powerlessness and weakness and feeling that you’re very close to losing your own mind. What would it cost you to let a caregiver or authority figure take care of you? I think it terrifies you.

      But there is a cost to keeping things as they are, right? I think you must be very lonely. I think you wish you could find a woman who would take such good care of you that it would feel like nursing from a beautiful and powerful woman.

      June 16, 2012 at 8:50 pm

      • And how shall I respond to this?? Theres the classic and still used “fuck off you don’t know me”

        Step it up a bit and say ” You might be right, I am scared to death of intimacy what should I do?”

        Could go with the ” I’m mean and sarcastic to people because I’m scared if they got to know the real me they wouldn’t like me.”

        For the out smarting you thing and what would that gain me, probably nothing. There is an empty shell inside my soul where once lived a vibrant heart. I have nothing at all to gain by trying to outsmart you. I was foolish to even try. I feel that If I take even the smallest stand and try to outwit the leading mind here in blog world my peers will see me in a new light, like they do you. I only want what I don’t have which is friends that are willing to take a chance on a guy like me. thank you for understanding just a little of the world in which I live on a daily basis. As for the needing a beautiful and powerful woman in my life to take care of me and let me know everything is going to be OK, I have had multiple conversations with my mother over the years and feel she never showed the compassion of my friends moms. I tried telling her that all I wanted from time to time was for her just to let me know she cares. so again you might be right, what was I thinking trying to out wit you of all people.

        June 16, 2012 at 9:21 pm

        • I wish I could see your face right now because without it I have no way of knowing what you are really feeling right now.

          you do not need to stroke my ego. I am not the leading mind out here, and if I am then that just shows what a pansy ass I am for not seeking out blog company where I’m more average.

          hotspur for example, is a very compelling man – and can definitely give me a run for my money. he’s ten times more creative then I am and probably just as clever.

          In any case, I can’t tell if you are being sincere or not since I can’t see your face. and then again, after the mind fucking my husband gave me, I now have a new appreciation for how well some people lie.

          I go over and over again in my mind the years together and one incident in particular sticks out for me – a time when he lied to my face about some money issues and his eyes and expression were so caring and reassuring and I felt better.

          But being able to lie that well – with eye contact and all – that’s bordering on psychopathic.

          I hope for your sake your are not as fucked in the head as he is. Nobody learns to lie that well unless it was adaptive as a child.

          June 16, 2012 at 9:41 pm

          • I am more fucked in the head then you could ever imagine, I am however NOT evil. therefor, I am going to stop messing with you right now. Another time purhaps and then you can just call me Susan.

            June 16, 2012 at 10:52 pm

            • okay Susan. I doubt that you are more fucked in the head then I could ever imagine, but perhaps we’ll chat another time.

              June 16, 2012 at 11:22 pm

  9. I would never talk like that with people I’ve just met…I save that for when I’m hammered. Sights…lucky you never mentioned ‘work’ in there…I really would have been sunk. Nice job and just for semantics…Hubby’s a Sergeant stripe yet.

    June 17, 2012 at 6:37 am

    • this was a fictional post that I wrote in twelve minutes while my boss was talking to me, so please excuse any flaws in the story…

      June 17, 2012 at 4:52 pm

      • I worked on a version of this for two days and still didn’t come up with anything this awesome. You rock, Sights.

        June 17, 2012 at 4:55 pm

      • What?! Twelve minutes??!! That’s the fastest written post in history I think! Well done…

        June 18, 2012 at 7:30 am

        • nope, words have just been pouring out of me as of late, most posts only take a few minutes and are relatively painless…thanks for the comment though

          June 18, 2012 at 7:36 am

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  11. As soon as I saw all the fuckety fucks, I laughed and said “kayjai”.
    Which earned an dd look from my wife.
    mAnd while I should have recognized SnB’shand in this, it was that same cursing that threw me off.
    Well played, HE and SnB. Well played!

    June 17, 2012 at 10:13 pm

  12. Just so ya know, I am not that insipid in real life! I’ve never even been to Newfoundland & I hate moose. They are so huge they kill people when you hit them, they taste awful & they’re tough. They’re also dumb as rocks & during mating season will chase cars because they thinks they might be able to mate with them! Nuff said!

    July 2, 2012 at 3:03 am

  13. Oh BTW hahahahahahahahahahaha

    July 2, 2012 at 3:03 am