The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

It’s Time For Father Time

Father’s Day is upon us and with it an interview from the ultimate patriarch, Father Time.

*Good Afternoon, uh…is there such a thing as a time reference like “afternoon” in your reality?

Why wouldn’t there be? I’m just like you, missy. Minus the white beard. But don’t worry. It’s nothing a little electrolysis can’t help you with. (Bursts out laughing and slaps his knee). Man, I slay me! See what I did there?


I took the white beard reference and applied it to you! Since this is a print interview, people will think you have a white beard! Haha!

*Yes, I got it. Hilarious.

I know, right? I missed my calling, but relatively speaking stand-up comedy is a new thing. What would I have done before what you people call the 20th century? Wear a jester’s hat? No way. I have my pride. Plus, have you ever seen a comedian with such impressive biceps?


What? You want me to flex?

*No, thanks. Do time references like “afternoon” exist in your reality?

Oh, that. No offense, sweetie, but that’s dumb question. I mean I’m sitting here with you, aren’t I? In the afternoon. I would think the answer is obvious.

*It’s not afternoon everywhere.

Hey, don’t get all smart-ass and technical. Although I am everywhere I can’t be everywhere. I have to be somewhere, even if I am everywhere. So wherever I am, which doesn’t mean everywhere, is where I am. And when I am there, like I am here, I follow the clock like everyone else. By the way, do you know why clocks die?


Because their time is up! Haha! Get it? You see when people die other people say their time was up. So when you apply that to clocks it takes on a whole new double meaning!

*That begs for your thoughts on how we measure time.

You mean how I taught you to measure time. The truth is you people need structure and organization. Have you looked in your closets? So I gave it to you. However, to be fair, precision rocks my world. Without some sort of time structure your life would be chaotic, but mine would be completely different. I wouldn’t be a celebrity, for one. I’d only be that guy with the amazing bod and killer sense of humor. No one would call me Father Time which would be tragic since my given name is Vivien. Hey, wanna see my pecs?

*Since you’ve been around forever you must have witnessed some amazing moments in history. Can you tell us which event was your favorite?

Been around forever? Is that some sort of age crack?

*Of course not. All I’m saying is you are a man of experience.

That’s true. I am. I get a little sensitive when people start talking about age because it is saddled with all these pre-conceived notions. So what if I have a few trillion miles under my belt? I’m still sharper than a Ginsu knife. Not only that, I have quads to die for.

*I’m sure you do. Now back to your favorite moment in history. When was it?

Right now, baby. (winks)

*Which event did history get wrong?

It would be easier to answer which event history got right.

*Okay, which event did history get right?

What? Do I look like some sort of history expert? (Doubles over in laughter.) Sucker! You fell right into that one! Am I killing it or what? Dane Cook couldn’t touch me on his best day! Haha!

*Is there a special lady friend in your life?

Look at me. What do you think? This magic doesn’t just happen. It takes hard work and let me tell you, the ladies appreciate it. One peek at my lats will convince you.

*I’m flattered, but let’s keep this professional.

Oh I’ll keep it professional alright, sugar.

*I have no idea what that means. Do you have any inside information on the Mayans and their world-end predictions?

They were a fun-loving group, the Mayans. Did a bit too much peyote, which is never a good thing. I’ll tell you this much though. Even when the world ends, time will continue. Which means – cha-ching! – I have nothing to worry about.

*What is the one thing most people get wrong about you?

That I’m a “father”. I’m not. I challenge anyone to produce a paternity test that says otherwise. And if they do show me a test it better be multiple choice. Haha!

15 responses

  1. Yeah yeah, blah blah. Can he get me another 20 minutes of sleep on weekeday mornings or not?

    June 17, 2012 at 1:26 am

    • I’ll see what I can do. 🙂

      June 17, 2012 at 4:55 pm

  2. Yeah. I always figured time was a sick joke.

    June 17, 2012 at 3:41 am

    • Every time I look at my boobs I agree.

      June 17, 2012 at 4:56 pm

  3. Why is Fathers day on the same day in England and the U.S but not Mothers day! that is the question.

    June 17, 2012 at 3:47 am

    • Because Father Time is a player and has two families.

      June 17, 2012 at 4:57 pm

  4. Can this guy bring me back to that day in high school so I can stop myself from doing that thing I’m not allowed to talk about?

    June 17, 2012 at 5:33 am

    • I think the statute of limitations has run out on that.

      June 17, 2012 at 4:57 pm

  5. Father time reminds me of a couple of guys I didn’t date.

    June 17, 2012 at 8:39 am

    • Funny, he reminds me of one I did.

      June 17, 2012 at 4:58 pm

  6. I like Father Time. I think we would get along superbly!

    June 17, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    • Something tells me you would.

      June 17, 2012 at 4:58 pm

  7. What’s the deal with the time warp, where it flies when you’re late for work, but crawls when you’re at work? I’d stay away from Father Time, if I were you–he’d just be watchin’ himself in the mirror the whole time, I think.

    June 17, 2012 at 10:20 pm

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