The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

*** Trending Now – Santa Claus ***


UPI / AP Wire

North Pole – More developments in the ongoing case against Santa Claus came to light this morning at the North Pole Superior Court. Claus, arrested in January on drug and prostitution charges, has seen his case go from bad to worse.

Jose Baez, of the Casey Anthony case fame, was visibly incensed after the arraignment proceedings last week, accusing the North Pole District Attorney of obstructionism and failure to disclose evidence.

The North Pole DA, normally reticent on such matters, did issue a statement in response: “Mr. Baez is frustrated and angry on his client’s behalf. While we are sensitive to that, I’d remind Mr. Baez that we do things a bit differently up here at the Pole.”

The outrage of last week stemmed directly from the fact that the NP DA Office introduced a host of additional charges that included workplace safety code violations, international trade agreement restrictions infringements, and internet commerce fraud among the most severe listed.

The Superior Court Judge allowed these charges and associated evidence, and attorneys on both sides have been hunkered down until this morning.

Gloria Allred, standing on the steps of the Lower Court with her arm about Mrs. Claus, announced this morning that she had just filed divorce proceedings on her client’s behalf. In the highly-publicized statement, she said, “This landmark case will strike a blow for all abused women everywhere. No longer will men of power be able to use their image and reputation to keep good women as virtual servants or as scapegoats.”

Following the announcement, the filing was immediately leaked and Mrs. Claus is apparently seeking extensive damages and outright control over much of the Claus empire.

Prior to release of this report, the District Attorney filed a freeze on Santa Claus’ many accounts given the size of the punitive damages sought by Mrs. Claus. This successful motion was granted just as Baez was prepared to ask for bail on his client’s behalf.

“This reeks of a conspiracy,” Baez said, somewhat stunned afterward. “My client is being literally violated daily in jail, and to allow this manipulation of his life and liberty is beyond comprehension.”

Baez is expected to announce tomorrow an open fund to finance Claus’ eventual bail.

15 responses

  1. Oh no!! Please tell me I didn’t just read that!! Santy Clause? A bad ass dude?

    June 19, 2012 at 1:50 am

  2. WSW

    Wait til it comes out that he was hanging with Clemens and getting all shot up with steroids on Christmas Eve. Of course, how people expected the old man to get to every house in Christendom in one night without performance enhancing drugs I’ll never know. I suspect, however, that Lance Armstrong may even have handled part of the route. Now THAT’S a conspiracy.

    June 19, 2012 at 8:11 am

    • That would be awesome – Lance and Santa doing the route together. I’d pay to see that.

      June 19, 2012 at 8:50 am

      • WSW

        If you had syringes, they might even let you ride on Lance’s handlebars.

        June 19, 2012 at 8:56 am

  3. I only hope that the Easter Bunny and cupid aren’t tainted by the association.

    June 19, 2012 at 8:32 am

    • I have a feeling Loki’s involved somehow…

      June 19, 2012 at 8:51 am

  4. Serves Santa right, the pervy bastard.

    June 19, 2012 at 9:16 am

  5. Funny how we both mention Santa Claus within a day of each other! Great post!

    June 20, 2012 at 12:47 am

  6. The North Pole is in Canadian territory, just ask Benze. DAs have no jurisdiction here. Surely you must have meant Crown Attorneys.

    June 21, 2012 at 1:27 am

    • Actually you go up against the “Crown” & yes they do wear those funny black outfits with the weird collars & wigs still! Although I think the wigs are becoming passe.

      June 21, 2012 at 9:47 pm

  7. Red

    He always did like the list of naughty girls just a bit too much.

    June 29, 2012 at 3:31 pm

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