The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Raider Nation’s Reluctant Member

Picture the scene:

February 2012 and yours truly is glued to the television, elbows deep in clam chowda, an ice cold rack a pounders within reach. The iconic opening notes of O Fortuna pour out of the speakers, and like Pavlov’s dog, my heart begins to pound in anticipation. I move closer to the screen just as the unmistakeable sound of Ozzy screaming, “ALL ABOARD “ heralds the moment I’ve been waiting all season for– the moment my beloved New England Patriots take the field for SuperBowl XLVI.

I spend the next hour watching the Pats do what they do best– beat the snot outta anything hailing from New York, all to the tune of AC/DC’s Thunderstruck. Drunk with uber-fandom superiority (and a few Sam Adams), I place a hasty call before the half to brain-dead idiot and lifetime Giants fan, Jeb.

Questions were posed as to how far I might go if the Pats inconceivably lost the SuperBowl, one in particular to involve the possibility of me patronizing another NFL sports team.  For life.

Confident in New England’s ability, my bet was made.

And lost.

Jeb knows me well enough to know that I would never make a bet to become a Giants fan, so he picked the lesser of two evils.

You guessed it. Karma is a Raiders fan. And as of February 5th, so was I.

Let me begin by saying that there are many reasons why I am morally opposed to patronizing a West Coast sports team, the first being that I am, in fact, an East Coaster. I mean, do they even have clam chowder in California? I bet they put pineapple in it, the savages.

Next are their team colors. Silver and Black? Really? My Patriots proudly sport the Red, White, and Blue; clear evidence that to be a Raiders fan is to be unAmerican.

Now, some may argue that the West Coast has superior beer, and I for one would agree. But I would also like to point out to all you West Coasters out there that just like everything else in California, Corona is from Mexico, which means it doesn’t really belong to you. Just ask Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna.

But I think the biggest affront to my senses will be the assault to my ears. Tell me, how in the hell is Godsmack supposed to cover this??

People, it’s going to be a long season.

24 responses

  1. Wow. I just do Fantasy Football leagues, and that way I don’t care who wins or loses, as long as my players score lots of points.

    August 9, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    • That’s probably the safest way to go.

      I will admit that New Englanders take their sports teams a bit too seriously, especially in regards to a New York rivalry. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about. The county mentioned is where I live, sadly. I don’t dare display anything Raiders on my car or it’ll get keyed. If I put anything on it that says New York, it’ll get torched.

      August 9, 2012 at 9:11 pm

      • Film it, and then ask them on camera “What happened to “Live Free or Die”, dick? Why do you hate America? Go back to Mother Russia, you communist!”

        And let me know how it turns out.

        Or, you could film something else.

        August 9, 2012 at 9:45 pm

        • Uh…no. The only thing NH natives take more seriously than their sports teams is the phrase, “Live Free or Die.”

          August 9, 2012 at 10:15 pm

          • And living free means rooting for whatever team you want. They can’t have it both ways.

            August 9, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    • Yeah, I have no clue about Fantasy Football. I’ll have to look it up.

      August 9, 2012 at 9:13 pm

      • Fantasy Football is sort of like 50 Shades of Grey. Only different.

        Look at all the sense I’m not making! Whew. I need a change machine to hold it all.

        August 9, 2012 at 9:46 pm

  2. Yeah your super secret project is never gonna get done on time.
    Or is it???

    August 9, 2012 at 9:20 pm

    • It’s practically done now, smaht ass.

      August 9, 2012 at 9:23 pm

  3. Being a raider fan isn’t all bad and way better than being a giants fan. Any ex-pats on Oakland?

    August 9, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    • I am sure there are, but just like in Russia, we shoot our defectors.

      August 9, 2012 at 10:08 pm

      • Keep your head up then.

        August 9, 2012 at 10:18 pm

        • Da, Comrade.

          August 9, 2012 at 10:21 pm

  4. Oh, you poor baby! And that theme song?! I had to cancel it after 30 seconds. It’s gonna be a loonngg football season. When is our magical surprise? Pretty soon?

    August 10, 2012 at 2:03 am

    • Oh yes, the Super Secret Project is chugging along nicely…

      August 10, 2012 at 2:56 pm

  5. I watched that game till 3 o’clock in the morning! Damn time difference. I think you can’t take a sport too seriously, I live where the bitterest rivalry in rugby league is! And I support one of the teams (colours red, white and blue. Not the black, white and blue worn by the other team!) it is probably the best two games of the season to watch, full of passion and power! I do realise I get a little over excited when we win Ahaha. I am sure the Raider’s will do you proud Ms. Ellis 😉

    August 10, 2012 at 4:38 am

    • All I can say is they’d better. If the Pats go on to win this season’s SuperBowl I will never hear the end of it thanks to the snickering masses.

      August 10, 2012 at 2:58 pm

      • Ohhh just tell him to sit down and shut up! that’s all I do, living in a Hull FC village and supporting Hull KR, I like being the underdog! sometimes 😉

        August 10, 2012 at 3:15 pm

  6. Urethra Franklin

    Although we have trouble remembering which one is red and which one is white, we do not put pineapple in our chowder. We are not troglodytes. We put it on our pizza. And in our beer.

    August 10, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    • I really shouldn’t judge. We make floats out of ice cream and beer, and pour maple syrup over snow.

      August 10, 2012 at 2:59 pm