The sub-moronic ramblings of a semi-functioning illiterate

Happy Blogiversary To Me!



So yeah, I wrote a book.

I must have been high when I wrote it because there’s no other explanation I can give for my 120,000 word upper YA novel where the only noun I used more than “boner” was “blood.” It goes without saying that I’m self-published. I didn’t even try to submit it traditionally. Can you just imagine the poor agent who gets my query letter?

“My novel, THE GODS OF ASPHALT is complete at 120,000 words and is the first in a series of five books that for some reason I’ve decided to write out-of-order. Each one is told from the point of view of a teenage male protagonist who has exactly zero supernatural powers (unless you consider perpetual erections a superpower). Oh, and it also has Spanish subtitles.”


On the good side, if you’re like me and are just a little too into music, motorcycles and all around badassery this is the book for you. If you’re not, I’m sure Jodi Picoult’s got a blog somewhere. You can find the opening to chapter one at the top of the page under the tab GOA REVIEWS and you can find my book on line at:



41 responses

  1. Congratulations on surviving a year in the blogosphere! Here’s to many more.

    August 24, 2012 at 1:28 am

    • I hope so. Let’s see how many death threats I can get when I publish my new novella.

      August 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm

  2. Oh how Megan remembers this, I have four days to go though, I started mine on the 28th!

    August 24, 2012 at 3:58 am

    • Yeah! We’ll celebrate by drinking cider and making Devi’s food onion rings!

      August 24, 2012 at 1:32 pm

  3. Conblogrations!

    August 24, 2012 at 7:43 am

    • Whythankyouverymuch!

      August 24, 2012 at 1:31 pm

  4. Congrats on the first year! Hope there are many more.

    August 24, 2012 at 8:20 am

    • I hope so too…although there may not be as I might have angered the wrong people.

      Stay tuned for tomorrow’s blog post and you will see why.

      August 24, 2012 at 1:31 pm

  5. Congrats and best wishes for many more! And by the way… 55,000 hits in 365 days… awesome… simply awesome!!

    August 24, 2012 at 8:57 am

    • A lot of friendly people stopped by from blogworld. I am one lucky lady. 🙂

      August 24, 2012 at 1:29 pm

  6. Happy One Yeariversary!

    August 24, 2012 at 11:03 am

    • Thanks Dayton!

      August 24, 2012 at 1:29 pm

  7. Actually you missed your anniversary by 1 day, slacker.
    True this was your first post and it went up on August 24 2011,
    However 2012 is a leap year and we gained 1 extra day. So therefore your post was completed 366 days ago. It’s all in the details Ms. Ellis.

    August 24, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    • The DEVIL is in the details, HR. 😉

      August 24, 2012 at 1:27 pm

      • HAHAHAHA it’s so true. Hey are back to giving clues on your project with that comment. Think about it…
        I’ll wait,

        Ok got it now. Good movin on.
        But no really, congrats on the year long run of the site, and you did it without pulling all your hair out. 😉

        August 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm

  8. I am very proud of your accomplishments, remember it is the Italian artist in you. And your quirky sence of humor is the Irish. What a combination. Keep up the good work and have fun with it. Make me laugh.

    August 24, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    • You’re still Catholic, right? I am not so sure you want to read this particular book. Give me some time and I’ll write you one about Christmas in Italy. I’ll even cut you a soundtrack for it with Pavarotti. Just look the other way on this one.

      August 24, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    • Aaa, sorry to interrupt here but crossing Irish and Italian, quirky sence of humor is not the FIRST thing that comes to mind. Angry, drunk redhead who is good with a cleaver and says “bobidy-boopy” or A Sicilian who likes golf, maybe. But quirky? Not so much.

      August 24, 2012 at 4:52 pm

  9. I see on your blog where not to buy your book, so tell me where to buy one.

    August 24, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    • Yeah, uh…sorry about that. I am oppositional but you knew that already. Click on that link at it will take you there.

      August 24, 2012 at 4:31 pm

  10. Great stuff H.E.

    August 24, 2012 at 10:40 pm

    • Thanks, John! I am going to enjoy this compliment today, as you may withdraw it tomorrow. I’m revealing something that may not be widely accepted. But damn, is it funny!

      August 24, 2012 at 11:14 pm

      • I like funny. Widely accepted is sometimes not very funny. Is this the reaper thing you speak of. Looking forward to that. The world needs to be poked on occasion. In my case i prefer reading it more than writing it.

        August 25, 2012 at 12:06 pm

        • Yes, this is the Reapers thing, and I think it’s bloody hilarious!

          August 25, 2012 at 12:16 pm

  11. From lowly, self-published author to internet sensation overnight, but only because you deserved it. I gotta get me a copy of Reapers.

    August 26, 2012 at 1:26 am

    • You get a copy on the house, Archon, because you’re just that kind of awesome. And while Reapers doesn’t have any explicit sex scenes, it does poke fun at some fairly sacred stuff. Bring your sense of humor. 🙂

      August 26, 2012 at 7:13 am

  12. Wow, you’re old now!
    Congrats, HE. Looking forward to you being around for a long time to come.

    August 26, 2012 at 2:08 am

  13. Congratulations H ! 😀 So happy for you!! 😀

    August 26, 2012 at 2:43 am

  14. In celebration, let me repost the first comment I made on your blog:
    You wrote a book? Wow. I bet you’re cute. I have a boner right now, just thinking about it. You’ve probably seen my boner – you like Growing Pains, right? That’s my boner! Boner of a lonely heart. Oh no! I just crapped on the street. Did I mention that I’m a police horse? When those cops spur me too hard, I crap on the street just to show them who’s boss. Well, I gotta go – you’ve got me hot to trot. Get it? That’s a little horse humor – from a huge horse. No, I wasn’t talking about you. I said ‘horse’, not ‘whore’. I’m hung like… well… me. Wow, if you’re still around in a year, I think I’ll come along and just repost this comment to celebrate. Good luck!

    August 27, 2012 at 5:40 pm

    • OMG I remember laughing my ass off at this! To the point where I picked up the phone and called my friend Quinn and read it to her! Yeah, she thinks you’re nuts.

      August 28, 2012 at 9:19 am

      • Oh Hellis, it’s like you don’t know me at all. I just made that up! My actual first comment, to the best of my knowledge was this one about your mom’s reaction to your book:

        Edward Hotspur
        You should write a book based on conversations you have with your mother about all the things you do. You could call it… something… my mom says… or something. So anyway, what’s your book about? 😉
        August 29, 2011 at 6:15 pm

        Though I admit, it sounds substantially similar to something I would write. In fact, I fucking wrote it! How’s that for proofing something in your pudding tasting topping Cosby? Huh? I ask you. Put that in your bubble pipe and snowglobe it!

        August 28, 2012 at 7:53 pm

        • Holy crap, that is exactly what you first posted! Although I know for a fact you posted that other comment somewhere else. I know I’ve read it before. When I get some time I am going to hunt through my comments and find it.

          August 28, 2012 at 8:01 pm

          • I swear to you that I just made that up! I stylistically ripped myself off just enough to make it sound plausible. The second to last sentence is the tipoff – I’ve never written a comment based on the assumption that a blog will last.

            Looks like April Fool’s came early this year. DAMMIT! I was trying to work on not coming early.

            August 28, 2012 at 8:04 pm

        • Damn. I just sent my reply to your spam. Notifications is turning out to be useless to me.

          August 28, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    • Nice to know you haven’t matured changed in a whole year!

      August 28, 2012 at 9:25 am

      • I refuse to grow up! HaHa!

        August 28, 2012 at 9:52 am

      • Oh yeah? I haven’t changed my underwear in a whole year. Top that! (You certainly don’t want to bottom that.)

        August 28, 2012 at 8:01 pm